Whenever I Feel Down I Must Remember I am Blessed

Whenever I feel down about my pregnancy losses, see all of those pregnant women out there, or hear of another birth announcement I must remember how blessed I truly am.  In fact, lately when I feel sad about this whole roller coaster of a journey we've been on I stare at our most recent family picture and it brings happiness to my heart.

To think that at this exact time in 2008 I was childless and heartbroken over our multiple pregnancy losses and thought I would never be a mom truly is amazing.   Look where we are today! Last night my 2 1/2 year old daughter Kayla whispered to me the most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life, "I love you mommy."  She has no idea how much that little sentence meant to me. 

A friend of mine said it perfectly "God works in mysterious ways." He really does and I still believe we will have our family of 4. 

Currently we are playing the waiting game again.  I have to do my booster HCG trigger on Sunday and then wait 11 days to test.  Praying for a BFP. (Big Fat Positive)

Feeling Free!

I'm totally drunk as I write this and you know what?  It feels freeing!  Tonight I went out to The Best of Phoenix Party and got my drunk on and partied with friends.  I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I had the best night ever.  I'm tired of hoping and wishing I was pregnant successfully.  I'm tired of being a slave to my body.  Tonight I let loose.  I ate sugar, I drank alcohol  and just had fun being me for once. I miss the carefree me I used to be. 

 Not Lisa, trying to get pregnant, not Lisa trying to get stay healthy and do the right thing.  Just Lisa, having fun. I finally told my friend Jill about our adoption and I really feel free and happy.  For so long I have followed the rules,  done the right thing.  Tonight was my night to enjoy, indulge and just be.  It's 12:43am.  Wish the night didn't have to end but you know what?  That is what being a parent is all about and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I am so proud and thankful to be Kayla's mommy and so happy I have a child to come home to.  She is my world ( as well as my hubby) and I can't imagine my life without either of them.  Cheers to a great night and a wonderful life!

Just When I feel Like Giving Up....

Just when I feel like giving up this message from Joel Osteen pops up in my email this morning.  I love Joel Osteen.  He is so positive and uplifting. So is this a sign to keep going and keep moving forward with this dream?  I truly believe in signs so I am going to say yes.  I have written off this past cycle and am going to think positive for Cycle 4.


 

It’s All Still in There TODAY’S SCRIPTURE “For God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn” (Romans 11:29, NLT) TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria Today, I want to remind you that you are full of incredible potential. When God created you, He deposited seeds of greatness inside of you. He’s given you your own dreams and desires. You have something to offer that no one else has. But too often, we allow adversities, disappointments and setbacks to push these things down, until one day, we find that we’re not pressing forward anymore. We’re not stretching; we’re not believing to rise any higher. When adversity comes, it’s easy to think, “Why is this happening to me?” The answer is because the enemy knows what’s on the inside of you. He’s going to do everything he can to keep that seed from taking root. But, he will only be successful if you let him. He can’t stop you unless you quit. During the difficult times, remember that the gifts and callings God has placed within you are still there. Don’t become stagnate in pursuing your dreams. It’s time to get your fire back! It’s time to press forward. It’s time to dig deep inside and take hold of the marvelous destiny God has prepared for you! A PRAYER FOR TODAY Father, thank You for the gifts and dreams You’ve placed within me. Today, I release my cares and concerns to You. Give me the strength, wisdom and clarity to keep moving forward so I can boldly embrace the good things You have in store for my future in Jesus’ name. Amen. — Joel & Victoria Osteen

Cycle 3 is a Bust!

Pretty sure cycle 3 is a bust :(  Having cramping and light spotting. Yesterday I was in the worst mood ever.  Nothing I did helped.  A nap, working out, a bath.  I was so hormonal and angry about everything.

I probably won't even have to go in for my blood test again this cycle.  Maybe I should make an appointment to talk with the doctor before we attempt cycle 4.  Not sure what he is going to tell me other than we could try IUI but I have heard the success rate isn't all that great and it's more money we keep throwing into that fertility pot. There is no guarantee once I do get pregnant that I will carry to term.

Last night I had a good talk with my hubby.  He said he was open to another adoption which made me happy.  If I had it my way I would start the adoption process now and still continue with the medicated cycles. 

Feeling down today.  What should I do?  Am I taking this too far?  Should I stop putting myself and family through this emotional roller coaster?  Do I give up?  Should I let go?

Part of me just wants to but there is a small voice in me that says "No! You could almost be there!"

I always believed that if I worked hard enough for something I would get it.  I have put everything I have into this for almost 6 years.  Maybe this just isn't one of those things that applies.

Just feeling blah.

Found this quote and it is keeping me some what afloat this morning.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. - Author Unknown