"Even Miracles Take a Little Time"

IT'S A GIRL!

2012-02-07T11:10:00.002-07:00

Yesterday we went for our measurement ultrasound. What an uncomfortable experience! The whole going in with a full bladder was horrible but seeing our active little girl was AMAZING! As the tech was taking measurements she described what we were seeing showing us our little girls fingers and toes and measuring her head and spine. About 10 minutes into the session I started to get this horrible pain in my upper back. It soon became unbearable. I think laying on my back with a full bladder and the tech pressing down on my stomach was getting to be too much. I found myself having a quick glimpse of what labor must be like. I was breathing heavy trying to get through the pain and my husband was standing there trying to comfort me. Hmm this will be pretty interesting when it is the real thing. LOL She let me empty my bladder and OMG the relief! We finished the rest of the measurements and we were on our way. We go for a follow up appt with our OB this Thursday to go over the scans but the tech everything looked good!

Here she is! Baby Watson #2 due this July

Super excited we are having another girl. They are so fun and I love all of the pink!

Discomforts

2012-02-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

Finally I am able to get back on here. For some reason my automatic log in disabled and I had to re-set my password. Haven't written in a while. Been kind of going through an emotional roller coaster lately. Last week I was experiencing some pain "down there" and I was worried about the baby so I went in to see the nurse at my OB office. At the appointment I got to hear our baby's heartbeat again. It was in the mid 140's like the week prior. Nice and strong. According to my NP the weight gain from the pregnancy is hitting a nerve causing my discomfort and that it is just something that happens in pregnancy and very normal. I had this pain back in week 13 in which they checked for infection which came up negative. It went away but now that it is back it won't seem to leave. She said it is probably going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses. I told her I could handle it as long as it was normal but last night it was almost unbearable. I was so uncomfortable. I tried Tylenol, an ice pack, and a warm bath. Eventually it got a little better but I am starting to wonder if this really is normal? I mean I am almost 18 weeks. Isn't it a little early for this type of pain?

I, of course jumped on the Internet and freaked myself out. I know I need to trust my docs and stay away from self diagnosis but part of me always wonders "what if we are missing something here?" Other worries I am beginning to have are those of pre-term labor. It said this doesn't occur until week 20 but I still worry about it. As much as I didn't want the freak myself out I felt it was important to know the symptoms and signs so I read up on it.

There was also some drama with my latest blood draw for Lovenox and the lab. It's a lomg story but I ended up having to get my "timed" blood draw done 25 min late which I was told was okay. They had to make some adjustments to my meds so I go for another blood draw tomorrow to see if we are back within range with the changes made.

I have also been getting really bad acid reflux but that I can cope with. Going through all of these changes with my body is challenging. I have a brand new sense of respect for pregnant women. On the outside they make it look so easy! But wow! One worry after another, one pain after another. It sends me into panic mode a lot. (well that and I am totally paranoid! LOL) Women are truly remarkable strong creatures! It's amazing!

This morning I woke up and realized that amid all of my worrying and stressing I haven't been exercising. I used to love exercising but have been afraid to since I found out I was pregnant. (even though my docs say it is okay now). So this morning I did a pregnancy yoga video hoping that would help with my discomforts as well. I feel good! I might try swimming later this week or go for a walk later today. I am really trying to take it easy but I know I need to get my blood flowing too.

Tomorrow we go for another ultrasound. They will do measurements and be able to tell us the baby's gender. I am really nervous for this appointment, as I am with all of the others. I hope he/she is measuring perfectly with a nice strong heartbeat and that all looks great. I wish we had a window in our bellies so we could take a peek whenever we wanted to see what is going on in there. Wouldn't that be nice?

As I write this post I am starting to wonder if I should rename my blog and call it the PPWC!
The Paranoid Pregnant Woman Chronicles ha ha ha

Will I Ever Stop Checking the Toilet Paper???

2012-01-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

I really thought that once I hit the 2nd Trimester I would be able to calm down a bit but my anxiety is still through the roof. Yesterday I was very emotional. Crying off and on all day because fear was getting the best of me. I still check the toilet paper every single time I use the restroom.

I worry about EVERYTHING! From what I eat, to what I drink, to what I put on my skin. I have even thrown away a perfectly good meal because I googled and found something in it not recommended for pregnant women. I know I need to relax but it's hard. I just want everything to go right.

It's amazing to me that when my mom was pregnant they didn't know 1/2 of what they know now and somehow my brother and I made it to this earth. Maybe we know too much information nowadays? I mean back in the cave man days there was no such thing as pasteurized dairy products or over the counter supplements to help nourish baby and mother. They didn't have ultrasound machines or Doppler's but humankind managed to continue and evolve.

I sometimes feel so alone. Working from home is a great thing but it is also challenging because it leaves me a lot of time to think and over think all by myself. If I were in an office I would have others to converse with on a daily basis and things to keep my mind busy. I've decided I really need to find a hobby. The time is passing by so slowly and rather than sit around and watch TV, when I'm not working from home, I need a distraction.

On the positive side my bronchitis/seasonal asthma is finally getting better. I had debated on whether or not to take antibiotics. I'm so glad I didn't because the inhaler seems to be working. I've been trying to take the least amount of meds possible during this pregnancy and I prefer the inhaler over the pills because the medicine goes straight to the lungs and only a tiny amount of it goes into the bloodstream.

Ugh so many stresses but I know this will all be worth it. I've wanted this for so long and it's about time I started enjoying it.

Now my mission is to stay as hydrated, get plenty of sleep, and get some low impact exercise so I can stay healthy.

Breaking My Silence

2012-01-19T12:09:00.001-07:00

You may have noticed I have been kind quiet on here since October. I've been writing a lot of posts but not publishing them until I felt secure enough to say something. I still feel a little scared in sharing this news but...... here goes..... I'M 15 WEEKS PREGNANT!

The following posts are ones I wrote throughout this whole journey thus so far. I still have to post ultrasound pics. (I've had 8, yes 8 ultrasounds!) It's been a stressful few months but I'm still here trudging along. I think I am am still in shock!

If I'm friends with you on FB please wait until I make my announcement there to comment on my wall- Thanks

NT Screening 1-3-12

2012-01-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was our NT Screening and it was probably the best appointment we've had. The tech was so nice and funny too. As soon as she started the ultrasound we saw our little baby bouncing up and down. It was cute! He/she looked like they were having a lot of fun in there.

What is an NT screening? This prenatal test (also called the NT or nuchal fold scan) can help your health care practitioner assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average

Baby measured 12 weeks 3 days which was right on track from the previous ultrasound at my OB's office. Heartbeat: 154 (again right on track with scan 2 weeks prior). She started the screening and said that the space behind the neck needed to be under 3mm. Our baby was 1.5mm which is awesome. We have a very low chance of Downs or any chromosomal issues. (the test cannot provide 100% accuracy but results are pretty good)

It was comforting to see the baby and hear his/her heartbeat. The sex is still unknown but the tech seemed to think it is a girl. We would LOVE another girl but it would be AWESOME to have a boy too. I know people say this all of the time but honestly we just want to give birth to a happy, healthy, baby. Boy or girl really doesn't matter to us.

Lately I have been having mild cramping especially around my hip area. I have read that this is pretty normal but of course I still don't feel 100% secure. I wonder if I will ever be.

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. This has been the longest 3 months of my life! Time goes by so slowly when you are counting each day. My next appt is Thursday January 19th.

12-1-11

2012-01-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm hanging in there. Feeling anxiety of course. Today I am 8 weeks 4 days. I keep wondering if our little baby is still moving around in there. The farthest I've gotten is 8 weeks 3 days so I am super nervous. On a good note yesterday I had horrible and constant morning sickness all day and couldn't stop eating so I am praying that is a good sign. Hoping I have more of the same today. I wish I had another ultrasound next week but he says to wait until week 10. Dec 13th seems so far away. I just want to know our little ones heart is still beating strong you know? Wish I could fast forward to Dec 27th and be out of the first trimester already. The days pass by so slowly.

Keeping the faith that God is watching over our little one and protecting him or her and this pregnancy.

Hormone Rage and Morning Sickness! 11-30-11

2012-01-19T11:48:00.002-07:00

Wow- Last night I had a total hormone raging fit! My poor husband. I think everything just hit me at once, the stress, lack of sleep, raging hormones, nausea, etc. I was trying to get to sleep and one thing after another kept happening. The phone ringing constantly, trying to get our 2 year old to bed, and tossing and turning because it was hard to find a comfortable spot to lay my head. I totally lost it and went off on my husband. Thankfully I was able to calm down and apologize.

Morning Sickness-feeling nausous pretty much constantly. I'm not complaining in fact I welcome it because I know it is a good sign but wow. I am constantly trying to keep food in my stomach to help ease the symptoms but nothing seems to help. I woke up at 5:30am and had intense hunger pains so I made myself an english muffin with peanut butter, bananas, and honey. That seemed to help for a good hour but then I was starving again!

I honestly don't care if I have morning sickness for the next 4-5 weeks. Just get me to that next trimester with a healthy growing baby in me.

Update from Ultrasound #2 HEARTBEAT!! 10a 11/29/11

2012-01-19T11:48:00.001-07:00

Ultrasound went great! Strong heartbeat and baby measuring perfectly at 8 weeks 2 days! We saw baby's legs and feet moving :) What a beautiful sight to see!

I'm still really nervous. My next ultrasound is two weeks from today. I'll be 10 weeks 2 days then. Praying everything looks good. It's been a stressful 8 weeks. I've just had so much anxiety. Going to acupuncture weekly to help with stress and sustain the pregnancy.

Today we saw so much more than last week. It's amazing how much happens over the course of 7 days! Today he showed us baby's legs and feet and we watched him/her move around a bit. I've never gotten to see that before so it was exciting but I still find myself trying to stay detached somewhat because I've had the rug ripped out from underneath me so many times. Really trying to stay positive but I don't think I will be able to truly relax for a while. Maybe until week 20?

2 weeks seems so far away to see our baby again :(

wish I had an ultrasound machine so I could see him/her everyday but I know it's a good thing I don't

lol

What a wonderful day! God is Good!

Anxiety 11-29-11

2012-01-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

In less than 2 hours I go for my follow up ultrasound. I didn't sleep at all last night. Maybe a total of 3 hours? My mind would not stop racing and it is still going which is why I am up so early writing. Praying praying praying we see our little one's strong healthy heartbeat and he/she is measuring perfectly.

Heartbeat!

2012-01-19T11:47:00.002-07:00

Went for my ultrasound yesterday and we saw a very healthy strong heartbeat! I did another lipid treatment this morning and go for another ultrasound next Tuesday. The doc was very optimistic and said he will be shocked it I don't carry this baby to term. Next Tuesdays's ultrasound is an important one for us. Praying we see baby's strong heartbeat again :)

Anxiety and Morning Sickness 11-16-11

2012-01-19T11:47:00.001-07:00

This morning I had the worst morning sickness. I just felt awful. I tried to eat my gummy vitamin and almost threw up. I pray this is a good sign. I finally was able to get some yogurt and cottage cheese down with some cantaloupe. Waiting for the Lovenox shipment to arrive in the mail. I'm almost out of heparin and it is supposed to be here before noon. Yesterday I had to deal with the insurance company on coverage for the new meds. I kind of went into panic mode for a little bit but I think we have it all straightened out.

I want this pregnancy to be successful so badly. I pray to God and St. Gerard every day. Anxiety creeps in when I think about the future. I'm really trying to focus on being in the present but it's hard. My mind likes to wander.

11-13-11

2012-01-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up with anxiety. Today of course I have it but Kayla is helping surpress the feelings a bit. She is so amazing. I look at her and have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming and she is really my daughter. I love her so much. 2 year olds are so darn cute. They are so sweet and considerate (when they aren't having tantrums or melt downs). We are very lucky to have K. She is a bright little girl and her terrible two incidents are few.

Tomorrow I go back to acupuncture. I am really looking forward to relaxing and pampering myself.

11-11-11

2012-01-19T11:46:00.001-07:00

Today I am filled with anxiety. Each day seems to pass even slower than the rest. I'm in a cranky mood today. I just want to get through this first trimester. Some parts of the day I feel good. Confident. Calm. But then other parts ofthe day I am scared beyond belief at the slightest cramp. I'm analyizing each piece of toilet paper. I'm driving myself insane. I know this is a combinationof many things. The anxiety of being pregnant again after multiple miscarriages, my hormones fluctuating all over the place, and coming off of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I long for a simpler time

Written 11-10-11

2012-01-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

I finally had a decent night sleep last night. Wasn't the best but much better than the nights prior. I should have just gone to AcuHealth in the first place. What a 180 from the day prior! I will always go with my gut from now on. When I got there to see Robert he had me lay on a massage chair, gave me a neck rub to loosen the tension, put the needles in, heat lamp on my feet, a cover for my eyes, and an ipod to listen to with music and guided meditation. Afterwards I was given another neck massage and tea. I can't wait to go back next week :)

He said it was very egotistical of the other acupuncturist to make such statements based on the appearance of my tongue and it is very old school. Robert believes in working with Western Medicine and he has seen great results with the lipid treatment I did last Sat.

Major Anxiety! (written 11/8/11)

2012-01-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

6am: I am having the worst anxiety ever. I can't sleep at night and don't even take naps during the day like i used to. I know this anxiety and stress isn't good for the baby and I need to stop. I think I should go back to acupuncture. What are your thoughts on acupuncture and herbs? I am going to call my doc today and ask him what he thinks because I don't want anything to interfere with his treatment plan but I need to find some peace and decent sleep I'm so scared I don't know what to do. Do I go back to my latest acupuncturist? Do I try someone new? ugh I'm so torn right now. I just want to make sure I do the right thing for this baby and help him/her survive and make it into this world. I just feel so helpless and want to cry

8:45a: I just talked to the nurse at my doc office and he said acupuncture is totally fine but he wants me to stay away from the herbs so I am going today at 10 for my acupuncture appt. Sorry for all of the ranting. I'm just a ball of nerves
so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

11:52a: so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

He saw me in tears when he came back to take the needles out and said he would try his hardest and that I need to come in twice a week until the 4th month. I'm so exhausted and feel like throwing my hands up in the air right now. I can only do so much down here. It's in God's hands. I just pray he lets me keep this one.

Pregnancy Number 9 (written on 11/6/11)

2012-01-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yep it's hard to believe that this is Pregnancy number 9 for me! I found out Thursday that my blood work came back at 967!!! I was on CD 31 that day. The very next day was hectic. I had to go in for a culture to make sure I didn't have any infections. Those tests still haven't come back but he decided to put me on antibiotics just in case because he feels that could be contributing to my losses. He then told me about this Lipid IV treatment he has been using with great success. When his patients have been unable to get pregnant he uses this treatment and within months they are pregnant. He has also been using this with his recurrent miscarriage patients and it has helped them carry to term. Of course I saif I was on board. We both agreed that this pregnancy we are pulling out all of the stops.

So I ran all over creation getting prescriptions filled. I picked up my IV bag full of Lipid for the treatment the next day. Saturday morning I woke up early to drop Kayla off at my parents since my husband had to work. I went back to the Fertility and Miscarriage Clinic and they set me up with the IV and I played with the iPad until the bag finished draining into my arm. It didn't hurt and I felt fine until......I went ot get my second round of HCG betas drawn. As they were drawing my blood I noticed it was coming out slow. (Dr. C was checking some other tests as well so I had to fill 6 vials this time) The phlebotomist must have picked a weak vein because I started to get very faint and dizzy. I was sweating, my ears felt plugged, and I was seeing stars. I told him right away and he took out the needle and had me rest a while. I am very surprised I didn't black out. I've only had that reaction once before back in 2003 when I was getting blood drawn on an empty stomach. What an awful feeling it was!

After I regained my barrings we finished filling up the vials and I was on my way back to my parent's house. I anxiously waited all day to hear what my second set of numbers were. I even called the office and left a message on the off chance someone happened to check it over the weekend. At 3:30pm doc called me and said things looked good. My number was 1987! (it more than doubled)

Breaking My Silence......

2012-01-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

2012

2012-01-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well- it's 2012. A brand New Year. I've already broken 2 of my New Years Resolutions.  :(
1. to stay off the Internet medical websites (I always look things up and freak myself out) I hate that I am such a researcher!
2. cursing (I got upset with myself for breaking resolution #1 and I am pretty sure I let the f-bomb slip a few times).

But- Today is a New Day.  New Years Resolutions are back in full effect and I am determined to stick with them. So- starting today, Jan 2, 2012 I......

1. Will stay off Internet Medical Websites
2. Will not curse

#3 is actually my #1 New Years Resolution- To trust that God has me exactly where He wants me to be at this exact moment. I only have control over so much and I need to trust Him. Easier said than done I know but I really need to focus on this one.

This time of year is always a tough one for me. The excitement of the holidays are gone and now we wait. Wait for Valentine's Day, wait for Spring. Spring is my favorite time of year. The weather is perfect, the sun is shinning, the flowers are blooming, and it's K's birthday. I look forward to planning her birthday parties every year. They always happen on the brightest, sunniest days. She is my saving grace. Our miracle baby. I often wonder where would I be without her?

I look at 2012 as a new beginning and pray that it is a year filled with miracles and much happiness for all.

Whenever I Feel Down I Must Remember I am Blessed

2011-10-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever I feel down about my pregnancy losses, see all of those pregnant women out there, or hear of another birth announcement I must remember how blessed I truly am. In fact, lately when I feel sad about this whole roller coaster of a journey we've been on I stare at our most recent family picture and it brings happiness to my heart.

To think that at this exact time in 2008 I was childless and heartbroken over our multiple pregnancy losses and thought I would never be a mom truly is amazing. Look where we are today! Last night my 2 1/2 year old daughter Kayla whispered to me the most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life, "I love you mommy." She has no idea how much that little sentence meant to me.

A friend of mine said it perfectly "God works in mysterious ways." He really does and I still believe we will have our family of 4.

Currently we are playing the waiting game again. I have to do my booster HCG trigger on Sunday and then wait 11 days to test. Praying for a BFP. (Big Fat Positive)

Feeling Free!

2011-10-09T00:48:00.002-07:00

I'm totally drunk as I write this and you know what? It feels freeing! Tonight I went out to The Best of Phoenix Party and got my drunk on and partied with friends. I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I had the best night ever. I'm tired of hoping and wishing I was pregnant successfully. I'm tired of being a slave to my body. Tonight I let loose. I ate sugar, I drank alcohol and just had fun being me for once. I miss the carefree me I used to be.

Not Lisa, trying to get pregnant, not Lisa trying to get stay healthy and do the right thing. Just Lisa, having fun. I finally told my friend Jill about our adoption and I really feel free and happy. For so long I have followed the rules, done the right thing. Tonight was my night to enjoy, indulge and just be. It's 12:43am. Wish the night didn't have to end but you know what? That is what being a parent is all about and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so proud and thankful to be Kayla's mommy and so happy I have a child to come home to. She is my world ( as well as my hubby) and I can't imagine my life without either of them. Cheers to a great night and a wonderful life!

Just When I feel Like Giving Up....

2011-10-03T07:30:00.001-07:00

Just when I feel like giving up this message from Joel Osteen pops up in my email this morning. I love Joel Osteen. He is so positive and uplifting. So is this a sign to keep going and keep moving forward with this dream? I truly believe in signs so I am going to say yes. I have written off this past cycle and am going to think positive for Cycle 4.

It’s All Still in There

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“For God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn”
(Romans 11:29, NLT)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Today, I want to remind you that you are full of incredible potential. When God created you, He deposited seeds of greatness inside of you. He’s given you your own dreams and desires. You have something to offer that no one else has. But too often, we allow adversities, disappointments and setbacks to push these things down, until one day, we find that we’re not pressing forward anymore. We’re not stretching; we’re not believing to rise any higher.

When adversity comes, it’s easy to think, “Why is this happening to me?” The answer is because the enemy knows what’s on the inside of you. He’s going to do everything he can to keep that seed from taking root. But, he will only be successful if you let him. He can’t stop you unless you quit.

During the difficult times, remember that the gifts and callings God has placed within you are still there. Don’t become stagnate in pursuing your dreams. It’s time to get your fire back! It’s time to press forward. It’s time to dig deep inside and take hold of the marvelous destiny God has prepared for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father, thank You for the gifts and dreams You’ve placed within me. Today, I release my cares and concerns to You. Give me the strength, wisdom and clarity to keep moving forward so I can boldly embrace the good things You have in store for my future in Jesus’ name. Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

Cycle 3 is a Bust!

2011-10-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure cycle 3 is a bust :( Having cramping and light spotting. Yesterday I was in the worst mood ever. Nothing I did helped. A nap, working out, a bath. I was so hormonal and angry about everything.

I probably won't even have to go in for my blood test again this cycle. Maybe I should make an appointment to talk with the doctor before we attempt cycle 4. Not sure what he is going to tell me other than we could try IUI but I have heard the success rate isn't all that great and it's more money we keep throwing into that fertility pot. There is no guarantee once I do get pregnant that I will carry to term.

Last night I had a good talk with my hubby. He said he was open to another adoption which made me happy. If I had it my way I would start the adoption process now and still continue with the medicated cycles.

Feeling down today. What should I do? Am I taking this too far? Should I stop putting myself and family through this emotional roller coaster? Do I give up? Should I let go?

Part of me just wants to but there is a small voice in me that says "No! You could almost be there!"

I always believed that if I worked hard enough for something I would get it. I have put everything I have into this for almost 6 years. Maybe this just isn't one of those things that applies.

Just feeling blah.

Found this quote and it is keeping me some what afloat this morning.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. - Author Unknown

Praying Mantis

2011-09-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

Thank You for the birthday wishes yesterday. I had a wonderful day.

Today I found out another friend is pregnant. At first it hurt but I decided that I wasn't going to let this news affect me the way it usually does. I did some EFT work, drank some healthy Teavana Tea (I'm obsessed with the tea and it's health benefits), did some yoga and meditated. I feel so much better and even more so, I am excited for my friend and my own future.

A lot has changed about me since I started working with Fay Jones back in August. Each week we have a 30 min call and I am given homework. She has really changed my way of thinking and given me some great suggestions. I'm eating healthier now and because I am doing that I feel better, happier, and more at peace. I still have my moments of frustration but I think now I am learning to deal with it in a more positive way. I also do "wall work" which consists of putting my legs up the wall for 10 min with my hands on my belly and listening to quiet music. It is so relaxing and helps blood flow to the reproductive organs.

I'm feeling very happy and positive. If I get a BFN next week I'm not sure how I will handle it. I will be disappointed but I know I will pick myself back up and try again for cycle 4. Part of me is starting to get nervous that I haven't gotten pregnant yet because the doc said the viral protocol lasts about 5 months. We are currently in the 2ww of cycle 3.

A couple of days ago I saw a Praying Mantis. My husband says these are good luck which of course made me curious so I looked it up. Here is what I found:

Praying Mantis Meanings in the Realms of Animal Symbolism

The mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created.

After observing this creature for any length of time you can see why the symbolism of the praying mantis deals with stillness and patience. The mantis takes her time, and lives her life at her own silent pace.

A quick-list of praying mantis symbolism:

Stillness
Awareness
Creativity
Patience
Mindful
Calm
Balance
Intuition

These traits have lead the mantis to be a symbol of meditation and contemplation. In fact, in China, the mantis has long been honored for her mindful movements.

The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.

Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds.

An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

When I saw the Praying Mantis I watched it on my patio for a long time. He/she was very careful with her movements and still. (that is until my dog Mojo saw it and chased her away) But before that happened I got down really low to the ground and took a picture. What an interesting creature. Was a sign? I think so, but probably a sign to be more mindful and enjoy life. I am really trying to live for "today" and not worry so much about the future.

Am I growing wiser with age? LOL

Here is the EFT tapping I used today which totally helped if anyone is interested:
Title: How do you feel when friends get pregnant first?

I'm 32 today

2011-09-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm 32 today and you know what? I actually feel pretty good! I'm feeling very energetic, hopeful, and happy. I feel at peace. I'm still in the 2WW and test next week but today I am not thinking about that. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and daughter and so many friends that have filled my Facebook page with birthday messages.

So for today- I'm putting those baby blues and worries aside and going to enjoy my day. (I even got my butt to the gym today too!! YAY- Go Me!)

Is that a Baby Belly? Uh....Nope.

2011-09-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to drop off my daughter at daycare before heading to the gym. I was wearing workout pants and a t-shirt. Her teacher approached me and said:

"What's that?"
(I had no idea what she was talking about)
She said, "Is that a baby belly? You're pregnant!?"

(Ouch that one hurt)
I smiled and said, "no, not yet."
Inside I was crying. I wish I could have been saying "yes I am and look at my beautiful belly! We are so excited Kayla is going to be a big sister! "

But no I gave the same answer I always do "no, not yet" (insert fake smile on face).

I'll admit it. I'm a good faker when it comes to these kind of situations. I walk into my fertility docs office and I'm all smiles. You wouldn't even think I have experienced 8 miscarriages in almost 6 years. I guess I'm pretty good at pulling it off now. But deep down I'm very sad. I want to be like most women out there and have a labor and delivery story to share. I want belly pics to post and send to family and friends. I want to go shopping for maternity clothes. I just feel like a part of me is missing.

Okay- I'm snapping out of it. I just did my EFT (emotional freedom tapping) and I need to move forward, not backwards. I need to get out of this funk and look at all of the wonderful things I have in my life.

I am very blessed and very lucky.

I have a wonderful husband
an amazing daughter who is my world
a roof over my head
a job
my health
my determination
wonderful supportive parents
amazing friends
knowledge
The car I have been wanting
2 dogs that adore me (I'm the one they get treats and walks from:) )

So why isn't it enough? Why can't I let this one thing go? Just because I didn't give birth to become a mom, shouldn't I just be thankful for what I have?

I guess as humans we always want more and when we finally get it, we want something else. It's a vicious circle isn't it.

Moving upward and onwards. Doing my exercises to boost fertility, watching my sugar, taking my vitamins, and trying to stay healthy and positive. Come on September! Let's make this a great month!

If you want to learn more about EFT check out Fertile Mind Set TV on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=Of5pWLLyd5U

Also-Sarah Holland's website http://www.fertilemindset.com/

Cycle 2 post Viral Protocal- BFN, Cycle 3 & Preparing for Baby

2011-09-05T19:55:00.003-07:00

Love that I found this graphic online. It adds humor and speaks volumes all at the same time

Well- I can't say I'm surprised. With all of the stress about our birth father the day I got the surge of course I wasn't relaxed. I'm okay with it because I have started working with a great lady from CA named Fay Jones. I'm doing a 6 week class with her over the phone and she is really helping me to relax and change my way of thinking. She totally understands where I am because she herself experienced multiple miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter who is almost 12.

So we are now on our 3rd cycle of "preparing" for a baby. That is one of the things I have learned through Fay. I need to stop using the word "trying" and replace it with other more positive words that re-affirm what I am doing. So, like I said, we are on cycle 3 of preparing for a baby. Here is to September being the lucky month!

When will I finally be able to breath?

2011-08-23T20:35:00.001-07:00

Friday night the unthinkable happened. Our birth mom told us that Kayla's birth father found out about the adoption and was going to fight to get her back. I was in tears all weekend. Between being on the phone with my sister-in-law who works for CPS in the adoption unit, my social worker, leaving messages for my attorney and anyone who could give me advice I finally had to talk to my BM (birth mom) and ask her to tell me the whole story about Kayla's father because as far as we knew he was unknown.

So here it is:
She was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lied and didn't tell her he was married. When she found out she broke up with him but of course they had slept together. Around that same time she slept with another guy. When our daughter was born the other guy took a paternity test and he was ruled out. Therefore leaving the married guy to be our daughter's bio father. BM ran into BF (birth father)when she was 4 months pregnant and he told her congrats on her pregnancy. She said it might be his but he did nothing. Never kept in touch, never followed up. This whole time he thought she was raising the baby with the other guy but when he found out she had given the baby up for adoption he decided he wanted to fight for our daughter. So over 2 years after the baby's birth he NOW wants to take responsibility? Too Late. We took all of the legal steps to terminate his rights (i.e publishing in the newspapers the needed information) He had 90 days to come forward and he didn't so our adoption was finalized. (Nov 09)

Since he knew about the pregnancy and that the baby might be his and did nothing, legally he "abandoned mom and baby" which already terminates his rights. Not sure if we will still have a fight on our hands but at least I know he doesn't have a case.
I am so emotionally exhausted from all of this. I wish growing our family wasn't such an up hill battle. It shouldn't be this hard you know?

To put my mind at ease our attorney emailed us the following response after talking to us on the phone:

Hi Lisa & Weston,
As I told both of you, your adoption is secure. Pursuant to the Arizona Revised Statutes (ARS 8-117), to contest your adoption, the birth father would have had to file an appeal to the Arizona Court of Appeals within 15 days of your adoption hearing held on 11/3/09. Additionally, pursuant to ARS 8-123, after one year from 11/3/09, any irregularity in your adoption is deemed cured and your adoption cannot be attacked on any ground. If you should hear from this man, tell him that you have nothing to discuss with him and if he has any questions he may call your adoption attorney.
No worries!
-Kelly

Words can't express what I went through this weekend. The feelings I experienced, the fear I still have now. Hearing this news for a split second made me feel like I wasn't a real mom. Like every joy I have experienced raising our amazing daughter was about to be ripped from my arms and smashed on the ground. It's amazing how someone you don't even know can make you feel like that. I know this is not the case. I know that I am Kayla's REAL mom and my husband is her REAL dad.

What makes you a mom or dad?
Having your sperm meet some one's egg? Simply the act of carrying a baby in your womb and giving birth? Or does it mean nurturing and caring for a child and putting all of your own needs and wants aside to provide the best life possible for that child? Many women (notice I said many and not all) can pop out a baby but what really matters is what kind of mother are they to that child. Are you an encourager?

All I know is I have fought long and hard to become a mom and I will damned if anybody tries to take that away from me!

In the meantime we are on cycle 2 of trying to get pregnant since the protocol so in addition to all of this news I had to do my trigger shot Friday morning which made me extra emotional due to the HCG in my system. With all of this stress I won't be surprised if I don't end up pregnant this cycle but we will see. I can't wait for the day when I can finally breath and look back on this with relief and say "I did it. I didn't give up. I survived."

Ugh! Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!

2011-08-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

Ugh! Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere! One of Kayla's teachers announced she is expecting today. I had a feeling she was pregnant because she was kind of starting to show but I couldn't be sure if it was the beginning of a baby belly or what. I told her congratulations and went on my way. Then as I was walking out of the daycare what do I see? A very pregnant woman dropping her toddler off. Everywhere i turn I swear they are there! LOL

I need to get over this. I'm tired of my pity parties! There will always be pregnant women everywhere I go. Maybe I should just force myself to be around them for an entire week straight. Maybe then I won't feel this huge pit in my stomach when I see them. I wish pregnancy wasn't such a negative experience for me. I always thought I would love being pregnant but now it feels like a slap in the face every time I cross a pregnant woman's path. I hate feeling this way. I want to be excited and happy for them but it's so hard when I have lost 8 pregnancies and have never had a positive outcome.

Today is CD 2 (Cycle Day 2). Let the countdown to the surge and HCG trigger shot begin.......

False Postive! Back to Trying Again this month!

2011-08-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

I am soooo relieved!!! I did have a false positive from the trigger shot. My blood test was negative so we can resume trying this next cycle. I don't think I have ever been so happy to get a negative in my life! I just didn't want to have to keep going back for blood draws and have to deal with the emotional roller coaster all week. I didn't want to find out that this was another chemical pregnancy and all the treatments we have done were a waste.

This whole thing really did make me think about what about lies head. Am I ready for another pregnancy? I don't know. I do have a new restored sense of hope that maybe..... just maybe.... the viral protocol and bee sting will work next time around. I am NEVER testing early like I did yesterday. Not even 1 day before my blood draw. I totally sent myself into panic and depression mode for about 24 hours.

Back to tracking this cycle, hoping, and praying.

False Positive or the Real Deal? Guess We Will Find Out Today

2011-08-08T08:09:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I broke down and took an HPT test. It was positive. Of course I was excited. But last night the spotting started and into this morning. I pray that I just tested too early and this is a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I go for blood work today at 9am.

This morning I finally broke down in tears and came to the realization that maybe this just isn't going to happen for me. Maybe I'm meant to be an adoptive mother and not give birth to any children myself. Maybe God put me on this earth to do just that. I never really thought I couldn't do this..... until this morning. How many more times can I put myself and my husband through this? We are going on almost 6 years and 8 maybe 9 miscarriages. I am so thankful Kayla is too young to understand what is going on but I know one day she will ask me why she doesn't have a brother or sister.

It just breaks my heart to not be able to experience the joys of pregnancy and giving birth. I feel like I'm robbing my husband and my parents of this amazing experience. In short, I feel like a failure. My husband can reassure me that I'm not but that still doesn't change the way I feel.

So today I'm praying I just tested too early and it was a false positive. I'm praying that this is just Aunt Flow showing me her ugly face this month. If it is another chemical pregnancy then everything we've been through with the viral protocol and bee sting has been a waste.

Today, as I was getting Kayla ready for daycare I was reminded just how lucky I am. I spent extra time with her this morning helping her get ready for school (a.k.a daycare). She is so amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without her. (probably in the loony bin!).

Longest 2WW Ever!

2011-08-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ugh this is the longest 2WW (2 week wait) ever! That's because it isn't two weeks, it's actually almost a 3 week wait because I did the trigger shot on the day of the surge and then a booster HCG 8 days later. If this were a normal cycle today would be test day but I can't test because I could get a false positive due to the second HCG of 5K I administered last Wed. I am supposed to get blood work on Sun but of course the labs aren't open on Sundays so it will have to wait until Monday. :(

This past weekend was horrible. I had really bad nausea Friday and Saturday and even threw up a couple of times. I can't count this as pregnancy symptoms though because the HCG trigger shot could totally be causing these kind of side effects. I am still getting nausea off and on and have really bad indigestion. If these symptoms begin to disappear as the week progresses then I know it is a BFN (Big Fat Negative).

What an emotional roller coaster I have been on this cycle. I want to remain so hopeful but at the same time I don't want to set myself up for disappointment either. Guess I will just have to wait it out and try to relax. (easier said then done that's for sure!) Praying for a BFP! (Big Fat Positive)

Cycle 1 Post Viral Protocol- Back on the Fertilty Rollercoaster!

2011-07-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are . Our first cycle post viral protocol.  Tuesday I got the surge and used my HCG trigger shot. The side effects of the trigger shot have my emotions kind of all over the place. Of course I feel pregnant because I have HCG in my system and feeling pregnant makes me happy but I know it isn't real. At least not yet.  This time my doc is doing something different then what we have done in the past.  This coming Tuesday I will give myself a booster trigger shot (which is 1/2 the dose of a full HCG shot) I then have to wait 11 days and go in for blood work to see if I am pregnant.

If I am pregnant I start the progesterone suppositories (ugh my fav- sarcastic tone) and of course my heparin injections twice daily. If I'm not I will wait for cycle day 1 and repeat the process again.

Keeping our fingers crossed we caught the egg this month.  I am feeling positive and upbeat and know we can do this.

Our doctor says we have about 5 months until the viral protocol wears off so time is ticking but I'm trying not to focus on that timeline all too much.  We've been doing this for almost 6 years now and I've come to realize nothing is on MY time table. I can take the steps to get there but ultimately it's up to God and the Universe to decide. But still I have faith. I know this is going to happen for us. We've come so far and worked so hard.

For now I am focusing on my wonderful life with Kayla. She makes me smile everyday and I know I am so blessed. I love being a mom. More importantly.... I love being HER mom.

Viral Protocol Results and The Bee Sting!

2011-07-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

On Monday, 6/27/11, my husband and I went to get the results of the Viral Protocol and the great news is....it worked!! My numbers, that were elevated prior, all leveled out!!! He even said we could try this cycle if we wanted. I was instructed to get my bee sting ASAP so right after we left the doc's office I called the "Bee Guy."

Tuesday night my husband and I drove to Mesa to get my bee sting. Kevin was very nice. He kind of reminded me of Owen Wilson for some reason. I guess I was kind of shocked when I saw him because I always envisioned going to this weird old shack covered in vine and sitting on some medical table with a jar of bees next to it but this experience was anything but that. He welcomed us into his home and had me sit on the couch. He went in his back yard, got a bee and came back holding it between his thumb and first finger. I was shocked he was just going to do this in his front living room.

He placed the bee on my right shoulder and let it sting me. I took it like a champ! Although it hurt really bad I sucked it up because hey, if this is what I have to do to carry a pregnancy to term I'm going to do it. He pulled the bee off and left the stinger in for about 45 seconds. The pain got worse and then finally subsided after about 2-3 minutes.

The Bee

Placing the bee on my arm

Bee getting ready to sting me

The Stinger

On the way home I felt awesome. It was like my body had been "shocked" back into place. I had this huge adrenaline rush going throughout my body. I just felt balanced again. Who knew that a bee sting could make you feel like that? Is it weird that I feel sorry for the bee? He gave his life for me so that I may be able to give birth to a healthy baby. Guess that is the emotional side of me coming through again. I hate even killing an annoying cricket!

Week 8 of Viral Protocol and Feeling Down

2011-06-21T19:40:00.001-07:00

More and more pregnancy annoucements coming my way. Super happy for everyone but man I am so ready to start trying again. My follow up appointment to go over the results of my latest bloodwork is next Monday. I wish it was tomorrow so I could get my bee stings and we could try this month. I know I have to be patient but I am so tired of waiting.

My mom gave me a People Magazine yesterday and I accidently turned to the Due Date page. So many celebs are pregnant! Remind me to stay off of Facebook and stay away from the magazines. LOL There was one happy story in there. Martha Stewart's daughter finally was successful and gave birth after 5 years of infertilty.

I often wonder what is worse. Not being able to get pregnant at all or getting pregnant and losing them over and over again. Guess I'm also feeling down because my husband's grandmother died on Sunday. She is going to be buried next to his grandfather which is where we had our own personal funeral for baby number 3 back in 2007. We saw our son Devon's heatbeat at 7 1/2 weeks and by 11 weeks he was gone. We went to the grave site and buried the ultrasound picture of Devon in a little box. I wonder if that will get dug up when they go to put his grandmother beside his grandfather this Friday.

So many things on my mind. I did workout today but I can't stop napping during the day. I just get so tired of staring at a computer all day long. I'm 31 years old and I just feel lost. I don't know why. Guess I'm just exhausted and tired of this whole rollercoaster ride but I can't get off. I need to complete this journey successfully. I try so hard in everything I do and I over think everything. That's probably why I am so tired. Like Dori says in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimmming swimming."

Week Number 7 of Viral Protocol and Frustration and Tears

2011-06-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Ugh I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Apparently over the course of 6 weeks I was supposed to go for weekly blood draws bc I'm on heparin so they could adjust it as needed. It didn't say that on the paper anything about those labs. They said it isn't a big deal but it is to me! I wanted to do the 100% correct. My only saving grace is that I'm not trying to sustain a pregnancy at this exact moment. I went back and looked at the paperwork and all it said was SQ next to the word Heparin. (Meaning Sonora Quest) I'm not a fricking code reader! Sorry to vent. I called DH and he blew me off. I think I'm just emotional. I'm just so ready to be done with this. I just want to cry right now and scream WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PREGNANT WOMAN??? You know, sometimes I pretend I am. Especially when talking to people that don't know my history or that K is adopted.

I go again today to get my PPT (the heparin blood draw) which has to be taken 6 hours after my first injections. I'm so tired of all of the rules, the pills, the wishing, the hoping, the praying. I just want this to be easy. It's been 5 1/2 years and 8 pregnancies and I still haven't carried to term. WTF????

I just feel so alone. I'm starting to feel defeated. What if all of my heard work just isn't enough? I just want to cry right now. My stomach is so bruised and bloated I feel like a whale. I would be excited if there was a baby in there but right now it's just that way because of the injections. Please somebody tell me this is going to work!!!

Week 6 of Viral Protocol

2011-06-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Last Day of Week 6-Viral Protocol

Guess it's been a while since I have written. Just been doing the same old thing. Taking the pills, doing the heparin injections, working out, trying to get sleep. Today I go for my 4pm blood draw and then call the doc office to go over the results to see if the protocol is working. After that I will know when I go for my bee stings and when we can officially start trying. The full protocol is supposed to last 7 weeks so hopefully I can stop most of the meds soon. I'm so tired of popping pills. It's about 15 pills each morning and every night but once again, if it means I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby then I am willing to go through it. Wish I could see into the future. Kind of over whelmed with work right now so I don't feel much like writing but hopefully I will have good news to write about next week.

Week 4 of Viral Protocol

2011-05-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Week 4 of the Viral Protocol. I'm so tired of the pills and the shots but I know that if (correction) WHEN this works it will all be worth it. The bruises are starting to get really bad and hurt but I have to keep pushing forward and keep going. Once we hit week 6 I will go in for more blood work to see if my DOC has improved. (not really sure what that is. What I do know is that if it has improved I should have a better chance carrying a pregnancy to term once I am pregnant again)

I believe this whole protocol thing is helping. Last week I went to the gym every single day and did laps in the pool. It was funny, as I was completing my workout I heard my alarm go off on my phone which I would usually use to wake up from my nap!

I'm dragging a little today but I still plan on heading back to the gym to get a workout in. I have attached the latest pic of my belly. I really wish these were baby belly pregnancy pics :( Hopefully we can start trying again in July. Guess my heparin belly pics will have to do for now.

My 2nd Mother's Day and Update on Viral Protocol

2011-05-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

My 2nd Mother's Day and Update on Viral Protocol

My second Mother's Day was amazing. It still amazes me that 2 years ago motherhood was just a dream and now my baby girl is 2 years old and filled with such personality. This weekend we really worked on potty training. What a stressful and frustrating thing to teach, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I feel so lucky that I have been blessed with such an amazing daughter.

On the "trying to carry to term" front we are in our 3rd week of the viral protocol. I am now finally on the heparin and all of the meds. I started feeling pretty sick yesterday and this morning but I think it is because I took the pills on an empty stomach. Once I had food in my stomach I felt much better. On Sunday we start our second Z pack. My tummy is starting to hurt from the bruises at the injection sites. I wish I was writing this as me being in the 2nd trimester instead of this vial protocol. ((sigh)) someday (hopefully soon) I will be writing to you all with a 2nd trimester belly and a baby kicking inside.

I'm really trying to get my workouts in between 4-8p but it's hard. I'm so exhausted around that time and I have to pick K up from daycare. I do have a 7 day pass to 24 Hour Fitness so I am going to try and go swimming this afternoon since the doc says that is the best exercise for me. Looking forward to working out some more. It definitely helps my mood and makes me feel better.

Week 2 of Viral Protocol

2011-05-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

Finally I got the heparin ordered via home shipping so I don't have to pay the $350. I hope it arrives in time. The nurse at the docs office said she told them I needed it ASAP and my Lovenox runs out on Sunday. I feel bad because I have literally called the nurse about 10 times since my appt last Tuesday! She is probably so sick of me. I am now on all meds, in full swing, for the next 6 weeks or so.

Below is a pic of my belly after 5 days on Lovenox. Not too bad yet but the bruises will really start coming out yet soon. So not excited for that but this is my journey so I am taking it one day at a time. I guess this is one way of getting to take belly pics although I would much rather be taking pics of my growing belly with a baby inside like most people.

Lovenox belly after 5 days of injections 2x a day

Today I decide to update my written journal since it has been a while. I have had one since I was in the 2nd grade and have collected them throughout the years. Then I started blogging and totally forgot about it. Flipping through it quickly one of my ultrasound pics fell out. In fact all whole slew of them flew out from the back of the journal from Sept 2009 when we lost our son Ashton Michael. I had a good cry then picked myself back up again and listened to some happy music to get me moving forward. I hate days like this when those little reminders pop up. It's okay. I'm going to be okay. One day at a time.

So Frustrated I want to Cry!!!

2011-04-27T15:50:00.002-07:00

Urgh I am so frustrated I want to cry right now. So far I've spent over $500 on prescriptions and vitamins for this viral protocol. I just called to see how much my heparin will cost and insurance isn't covering ANYTHING!!! $339.23 for my heparin! I HATE my insurance plan! Hate it!! I have a $500 deductible. It's almost May. Surly I have met it by now. So why aren't they covering any of it? Of course I called to talk to them and they are closed because I live in Phoenix and they are on East Coast time. Meanwhile I have 21 days worth of Lovenox from my last pregnancy that hopefully my doc is going to let me use. The nurse said that should be fine but she has to talk to him tomorrow and find out the dosage. I will still have to get the heparin once that Lovenox runs out but maybe the cost won't be so bad since we will have a few paychecks coming in before then.

Keep in mind that when we had an HMO heparin never cost this much and Lovenox was covered at 100%! Now that my husband's company has forced us to go PPO we are paying out of pocket for so much. What is the point in having insurance if it isn't going to cover anything? Ugh I just want to cry. I'm tired of pouring our hard earned money into fertility treatments when others are popping babies out at the cost of a co-pay for their hospital visit. It's just so unfair.

Last night my husband told me he was mad at me because this is costing so much. I know he is frustrated at the cost and worried about money but that really made me feel like crap. I didn't sleep well at all. I cried this morning. If I wasn't so broken and my body worked like almost every other females we would have so much extra money to do things. Why is the cost of wanting a family so much for us when for most others it doesn't cost them nearly as much if anything?

Acupuncture alone is $100 a week. So essentially I am paying the amount of 4 car payments a month. The 2 car payments I actually have, the acupuncture, and then daycare. That's an extra $1100 we spend a month on acupuncture and daycare. I don't mind spending the money on daycare but of course I would rather be a stay at home mom instead. WHEN baby number 2 comes along he/she will stay home with me for the first year like Kayla did. I work from home so that isn't a problem.

I just want a check to fall out of the sky or obtrain the winning lottery numbers. Sorry to rant and rave here. I am just so frustrated. Over 5 years and thousands of dollars we still are only 1/2 way to having the family we always dreamed of.

Why is this dream so hard to attain?!

Pill Popping Machine

2011-04-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Here is an update from my appointment this morning regarding the blood work. (15 vials of blood later)

Basically what the test results revealed was that I have an underlying viral condition. (most likely caused by Epstein Bar) a mono type virus I got when I was in high school. My eggs are excellent he said and there is nothing wrong with my cycle. I guess a certain number needs to be at least 200 for egg quality and I am at 250 which is great news.

He has me doing a viral protocol in which I am going to be a pill popping machine for the next 6-7 weeks! I also have to do my heparin injections 2x a day which means no bikini this summer. (heparin injections leave the tummy black and blue). I have to exercise every day for 25 min between 4-8p and get deep sleep every night between 10p-6a. Attached is a pic of all of the meds I had to buy today. (Heparin and syringes not included in pic). Once this is done I go to the bee keeper in Mesa for 2 bee stings in June.

THEN we can start trying to conceive again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all but if it gets me to carry to term I will do it.

Please Please Please pray this works.

Once I am pregnant I will of course be on heparin again along with prednisone and acyclovir and possibly an antibiotic. He says my body isn’t handling the stress of a pregnancy very well and the vessels are tightening up causing me to lose the babies. Doing this protocol will put my body back in line and get it ready for pregnancy. Once pregnant they will continue doing tests and adjust my meds daily to get me into the 2nd trimester. I may even be on the meds throughout the entire pregnancy.

God I pray this works. This is our last and final attempt. My husband said if we lose another one we are done and will look at another adoption possibly. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. We are going on 5 years of this crap and frankly I’m tired of the rug being pulled out from underneath me each time.

Waiting for Tuesday

2011-04-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

Blood work came back for Progesterone and it was 18.5 which is way above 3 so I didn't have to do the Birth Control Pills. Last Tuesday they took 12 vials of blood from me and ran numerous tests. They are still waiting for 2 more tests so my follow up to go over the the whole panel of results is next Tuesday at 10:15a. God I pray he has found something that is fixable. I don't want to be classified as "unexplained." I want a reason and I want it fixed so I can carry to term and give birth.

Feeling kind of down today. Hoping the fact that this weekend is Easter will cheer me up. I am so ready for a vacation. Too bad we aren't going on one until July. Hopefully by then I will be pregnant and things will be going well :)

So for now I'm Waiting for Tuesday.

Healing Incantation

2011-04-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish this worked outside of a Disney Movie.

Flower, gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the Fates' design

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

New Hope!

2011-04-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

After my week of darkness and depression and recieving yet another BFN I decided enough was enough. I called my first RE and made an appointment with him to go over everything that I have been through in the past 5 years and bring him up to speed on the 5 losses I had after I left his office back in 2008.

He had very good things to say! He has done a lot more research on recurrent miscarriages and discovered new things in the past 3 years that I can benefit from. New tests, new treatments, etc. I had my first ultrasound last Monday and went for blood work to check my FSH level on CD 4. I surged Sunday morning and was having major ovulation pains on the right side. (which he said is a really good sign) Today I went in for my 2nd u/s so he could measure my lining and see if I was ovulating correctly.

My lining looked awesome and I had released an egg from my right ovary. So we can mark that off the list. I am ovulating appropriately and lining isn't an issue.

Next we went over my first blood test results and my FSH has gone down! This was exciting news for me because previous doctors have told me that I have the eggs of a 42 year old which sent me into a huge depressed state. I'm only 31 years old! So I started acupuncture to lower that number and it has worked! Anything under 11 is good and I'm a 9.2!! Needless to say I am ecstatic. It means that the herbs, the acupuncture, the wheat grass shots, the vitamins, the lack of caffeine....it all means my hard work is finally paying off! My doc said my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing. Now we have to figure out what is going wrong once a baby gets in there.

Next Steps:
This Friday I go in for blood work to get a serum progesterone blood draw. They should call me Friday afternoon to let me know the next steps. Hoping for a good progesterone number. The next battery of tests he has me taking will be a week from tomorrow. Tuesday April 12th. (Ironically, our daughter's second birthday)

Test 1: Morning Fasting Labs
PAI-1, LPA, homocycstine, D-dimer, TNH-alpha< TSH, ANA, ATA, EBV, CMV, HHV6Ab, Cortisol,, DHEA-s, FBS, 17OH progesterone, DOC, uric acid, CRPO-hs, cholesterol, and triglyceride panel.

I have no idea what most of these tests are and can only imagine how many vials of blood they will be taking from me but it is comforting to know that he is being very thorough and checking EVERYTHING!

Test 2: That same day I go back for 4pm labs for 1Gf-1 and cortisol.

Whew- good thing he wrote all of that down for me and it's a good thing I am not afraid of getting blood work done or needles anymore. Lord knows I have been poked and prodded millions of times by phlebotomists since we began trying to have a baby back in 2006.

I left his office this morning feeling great, feeling hopeful. I KNOW I can do this. I just need the right doc to find out what's wrong. Everything in my body is saying to keep trying and to not give up. Who knows what 2011 will bring. Hopefully a successful healthy pregnancy and a live birth in 2012!

The Ones I've Never Met

2011-03-24T18:50:00.004-07:00

The Ones I've Never Met

What do you do when you feel so alone? Who do you turn to when no one picks up the phone?

When people are tired of hearing your cries

and listening to the same stories about your millions of good-byes.

When people think you 're crazy for wanting this so bad. They can't possibly understand what it feels like to yearn for that experience everyone else has had.

To go through this life and not give birth seems so unreal
I'm a woman, I was born to do this, to procreate, that's how I feel.

For so many it seems to come so easily,

Why can't one of those lucky people be me?

When I look in the mirror I wonder if I will ever see

myself rubbing my belly and feeling my precious baby.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney movie,

where every one's dreams come true and they all live happily.

The loss is so deep. I can't let it go.

I think about them everyday more than anyone can know.

8 pregnancies lost how could it be?

Will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be free?

The pain is so hard I sometimes wish I could forget

The 8 babies I've lost

the ones I have never met.

-Lisa Watson

3/24/11

*I feel like I have to say this because after I wrote this poem I felt guilty. My desire to give birth to a baby is no reflection of my love for my daughter Kayla. SHE IS MY WORLD. I wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is and say I carried her myself. I wish I could tell her about the day she was born and show her pictures of her and I just minutes after her birth but I can't. I met my amazing daughter on July 6th 2009 when she was almost 3 months old. She is a true miracle and my world would be so empty without her.

Kayla- I love you more than you could possibly imagine.

The Universe and another BFN

2011-03-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2. Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident. Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky. Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car. As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment. I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF. Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans. We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime. We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds. My husband was actually considering the possibility The next day all of our plans fell apart.

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month. I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon. 3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous. After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth. I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me. God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears. I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body. Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth. Man I wish this was something that came easy to me. I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.

Feeling Conflicted

2011-02-26T21:33:00.002-07:00

Tonight I got home and there was a packet from the adoption agency we used back in 2009 to adopt our daughter. They are offering us an amazing deal to sign on with them again (by march 20th) to bring home another baby. I want this sooooo bad! But I know my hubby is going to say no. I have this burning desire to have a newborn again and I'm so burnt out on trying this on my own. Am I just thinking about giving up too soon?

As I sit here at the computer I feel like crying. I've thought about how to approach my husband about this. I have even thought about telling him I will give up acupuncture (which would save us $400-$500 a month) buying the wheat grass shots, spending the money on progesterone cream and vitamins, staying in this house I hate as long as he wants, and giving up TTC (trying to conceive) thing altogether. But then a part of me wonders, Am I giving up on myself too soon? Or is 8 miscarriages enough? Where is my breaking point? Will this offer from our agency come around again in a year or 2 after I've tried carrying to term with acupuncture? Ugh I just wish I was rich. If I was I would sign back on with my adoption agency AND keep trying for my keeper.

I feel so lost. I want to have at least 2 children (always wanted 3) and I of course would love to carry a pregnancy to term and do it myself but this opportunity to adopt and bring home another baby in 2011 is here. I envy those celebrities who can pay for whatever they want sometimes.

My whole plan for 2011 was this:

Continue acupuncture (which I have been doing since May of 2010)
take wheat grass daily
take B12, B6, folic acid, Fish Oil, etc everyday
Get pregnant and get to the point of seeing a heartbeat and see if acupuncture can sustain the pregnancy all the way through.

If the above didn't work I wanted to adopt #2 or try a different fertility route.

But now this opportunity has presented itself and it is tugging at my heart strings.

I just want to cry. Why can't having a baby be easier :'(

BTW month #2 of trying and it was another BFN (Big Fat Negative)

When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Unknown

2011-02-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've been playing around with what to name my blog. "My Journey to Motherhood" seemed so general and uninteresting. So I'm going with a quote I found today that is helping me to keep going. I must admit, I'm wavering. I'm having doubts, but then something in me silences those doubts and says "what if... What if the next time works? What if next time I do carry to term and give birth?" I just can't give up.

I'm currently in the 2WW (two week wait) and have been having a very emotional day. For some reason I just feel like crying. Not sure why. I just do. Maybe it's work, maybe it's where I am in my cycle, maybe it's the challenge of handling a toddler entering the terrible twos! (Of course I wouldn't change a thing so I won't complain). I love being a momma and that is why I am still pushing forward to carry my first pregnancy to term and give birth. Adoption has been a wonderful blessing in our lives but I want my daughter to have a little brother or sister. I want to be a family of 4.

Does Anybody Even Read my Posts?

2011-02-09T13:44:00.001-07:00

Does anybody even read my posts? Who knows. But I guess this is a good outlet for me to get my feelings out. Feeling kind of down today. What's new right? I totally thought last month was going to be a BFP but it wasn't. This cycle I got the surge on CD 11 which is early but we are still going to give it a go. It's so frustrating. Nothing is ever on MY timing or MY terms. I wish there was a genie in a bottle that could grant me 3 wishes. Obviously we all know what my first wish would be.

1. To carry a successful pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby
2. to have enough money to do the things my family has always wanted to do

The 3rd wish? I guess I would give it away to someone else who needed it or wish for all of of my family and friends to remain healthy and happy.

No one said life was going to be easy but they didn't tell me it was going to be so damn hard either! I'm only 31 and I feel like an old lady. With 8 miscarriages under my belt I feel like I have been around the world and back...the infertility world that is. I never thought I would know so much about how the female body works or about Chinese Medicine, or the adoption world. So many people come to me when they have a miscarriage or a question about adoption and I am always willing to help but honestly.... I wish I didn't know so much due to my own experiences.

I feel so lost. Like I'm constantly searching for the answer as to why I can't carry a pregnancy to term. Is it something I am eating? Drinking? Applying to my skin? Washing my Hair with? Or it something I'm just not doing right? I wish someone could give me the answer. Please someone give me the answer!!!

Feb 14th 2011 marks 5 years of my husband and I trying to a successful pregnancy. 5 years. Don't get my wrong. I am truly thankful for everything I have. Our successful adoption of our beautiful amazing aughter Kayla and my wonderful marriage are things I don't take for granted ever.

People say if anyone deserves to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth it is me. They say I should be first in line. But why doesn't God agree? When will it be my turn? I've been so patient, I've believed, but in the end I've had my heart broken and stopped on 8 times. I still remember my first loss. Laying on the bathroom floor, holding my belly, crying and pleading to God to let me keep my baby. I will never forget that. I've heard time can heal almost anything but I just don't know about this one. Will there ever be a day I don't think about my precious babies that have passed?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiFTXckh0zU&feature=related (Enya- Watermark)

Almost There!

2011-02-02T18:42:00.002-07:00

Well, It's a good thing I didn't write on my blog Sunday or Monday because I was really down in the dumps. I went back and watched Devon's (baby number 3) ultrasound video of his little heartbeat and had a nice big cry. I was just really emotional because our first month of actually trying in 2011 was a bust. BFN (Big Fat negative). But today I'm filled with hope. For some reason I feel like I'm Almost There and I plan on shouting it to the roof tops when I give birth one day. I added to my Vision Board with more pictures and words of encouragement.

This song from Princess and the Frog (such a cute movie by the way) gives me hope. I'm going to keep trying and pushing forward. I CAN and WILL do this. I wish Happy Endings were as easy to get like they are in the Disney Movies.

"There's been trials and tribulations

You know I've had my share

But I've climbed the mountain, I've crossed the river

And I'm almost there, I'm almost there

I'm almost there!"

(From Princess and The Frog)

Miscarriage #8

2010-12-31T13:10:00.001-07:00

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy). I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it. At first I had wavering feelings. How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster? But then I thought, "I can't go out like this! It wasn't even planned!" I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for. One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is. Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one. At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward.

See ya 2010! Can't say I will miss you all that much. It's been a rough year.

Pregnancy # 8

2010-12-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I am pregnant again but already having spotting so I'm not very hopeful. I was planning on waiting until next month to give it a go. I only took the test this morning because I wanted to ensure it was a negative because I have been taking topical (OTC) progesterone. I literally gasped when it turned positive. Went for bloodwork yesterday but I won't know anything until later this morning. Ugh I am so not ready to go through this again :( I wanted to have all of my ducks in a row before trying this time. I ate horrible, drank coffee, missed an acupucuture sesssion. We honeslty didn't even try and were trying to be very careful. I would be estastic if I knew I was going to get my happy ending but everytime it ends the same. :( I can't believe this is pregnancy number 8 for me. I've been pregnant 8 times in 5 years and had 0 live births.

I have a feeling this is another chemical though since I have had spotting all week. I'm on CD 26 and ovulated early. (CD 10) which leads me to believe the egg wasn't ready even though it released. I was really hoping to start off the New Year fresh. :'( I'm so depressed and bummed right now. I feel like a slave to my own body.

On a Good Day

2010-12-06T15:32:00.001-07:00

Today I woke up with a feeling of total saddness. I don't know what brought it on. Was it watching my month old nephew yesterday? Was it the millions of pregnancy/birth annoucements I keep hearing? Is it because this is the last month of "Taking a Break" before we start trying again and I am deathly afraid of losing pregnancy number 8 when we start trying again in 2011? So many things are running through my mind. I've worked so hard but I still feel like I'm not doing enough. It's all so overwhelming and I am exhausted. I started losing hope that I will ever carry to term and give birth and needed a good friend to help talk me down from the ledge. I don't know how she does it but some how she puts that hope and fight back in me when I feel like I am about to give up. I was on Facebook and my husband's cousin posted this song. It totally spoke to me. Below are the lyrics and the youtube video. It's a very relaxing song that puts me at ease for some reason.

Oceanlab- On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...A little bit lonely

Little bit cold here

A little bit feared

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

And it feels like me

On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit cold

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me

On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

2010-11-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

-UNKNOWN

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss. She got me thinking about a lot of things. How I can feel 2 different things at the same time. Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant. It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too. The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time. She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings. I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest . I go again in 2 weeks. I really liked her office. In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them. The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it.

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare. I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more. I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't. I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture. Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too. Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

2010-11-02T20:06:00.003-07:00

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.

I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me. My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet. We will see. One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing. I held him and fed him. Touched his little tiny fingers and toes. I just wanted to stay there all day. I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer. I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create. Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues.

I still believe it is going to happen for me. I know I can do this. I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc. Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream? He already answered one of my prayers. I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful. My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling.

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

2010-10-21T09:52:00.003-07:00

Feeling kind of lost right now. Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now. When are things going to get easier? Will they ever? Life is so frustrating sometimes.

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ? Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out. Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself. No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves. Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much. I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

2010-10-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday. (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone. I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon. Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my supportive friends. It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.

Thank You!

Feeling Depressed

2010-10-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling really depressed right now. I’ve been super sick with first a sore throat, then pink eye, and now an ear infection. My ear has been clogged for over a week now. I am so miserable living in our old house.  (we short sold our other home due to the real estate crash in Phoenix but moved back into our rental property downtown that we lived in when we were first married.) I miss my old neighborhood and my old house with my beautiful backyard and amazing kitchen. It’s been a hard adjustment. I know I know I am probably just being a spoiled brat but I am so unhappy.

Another reason I am so depressed is everyone is having their babies now. On facebook it is like baby overload. I want it so badly. I LOVE Kayla with all my heart but I want to post pregnant belly pics like everyone else. I want that pic of me in the hospital bed with Kayla and my hubby holding the new baby I just gave birth to. I miss when K was an infant.  This toddler stage is a blast and I am having so much fun but I still feel like there is a little one missing. Does that make sense? My life feels so incomplete since I haven’t carried a pregnancy to term like everyone else around me. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I had to hang out with my friend yesterday and she is 38 weeks pregnant with number 2. I’m so jealous of her belly.

Then to top it all off I was watching Desperate Housewives last night and almost the whole show was about Lynette’s baby and she was so cute and cuddly. I want that again and again and again. Maybe I’m just going through a depressed mood because October is when I lost both of the babies that had heartbeats. Maybe my body remembers that subconsciously every year and it pulls me into a tailspin of depression. I just don’t know. I feel like the only way I am going to have another baby is if I can do it through my own body because my hubby doesn’t seem to want to pursue another adoption anytime soon. I wish I could just let this go and be happy with what I have.   I love my daughter as if I carried her for 9 months but I still feel like I'm missing out on a wonderful amazing experience. I love being a mommy and I am so ready for number 2.

Sorry for my downer post. I know I am blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, a roof over my head and a job. I guess I just want more.

It's a Crazy Busy Life!

2010-10-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

I know it has been awhile since I have written on this blog. Life has been soooo busy.I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions all at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I have been dealing with some medical drama and and we also moved to our other property downtown which has been very stressful. We are in the process of selling our other house and it is taking forever given the Phoenix housing climate. On top of that, work has been kicking my butt!!I seriously just need a break a vacation or something!

On to the medical drama. I have been having burning and tingling for the past month throughout my body. In fact as I type this my palms are burning and itching. I checked online and totally freaked myself out because I saw that they were symptoms of MS. I was convinced I had it. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac) I even went to the ER one morning my palms were so burning so bad. They literally felt like they were on fire but when I looked at them they didn't look red or any different. The ER did a CT scan and everything looked fine. Said it was anxiety. Then I went to my doc and asked him to order an MRI. That came back normal. Bloodwork was normal too. So now I am at a loss. Maybe it is just stress and anxiety?A lot of changes have been going on in my life so that could be it. I am now taking klonopin at night to help me sleep better and also help with anxiety.

Dr. Yau, my acupuncturist, said it wasn’t anything serious. He said he can tell by your pulse and your tongue if you have a serious illness or not and that I was an easy fix. I sure hope he is right! He said I was holding in too much heat in my body and has been treating me for anxiety, heat, and hormone imbalance. Something about having too much yin and not enough yang? Dr. Yau said we could probably start trying again in 2 months but I think we are going to wait until Jan 2011 to start again. Why add more stress to the holidays you know?

We had our family camping trip this past weekend. I'm not much of a camper but it was pretty fun. We took K to her first Cardinals Football game 2 weekends ago as well. She is talking up a storm and has used the potty twice so far! I can't believe she will be 18 months next week! I have to admit. I LOVE being a mama.I just really want the entire pregnancy experience as well. I am so in love with Kayla. She is such a miracle I still can’t believe she is ours!!

I was watching an old Grey's Anatomy episode last week and it got me thinking. Why, when we are so young, are we in such a hurry to grow up? I miss those days where my biggest worry was which friend should I invite over after school or what if I don't find that perfect dress for the dance. Now life is filled with all sorts of worries. Health, financial, fertilty, etc. Sometimes I wish I could just be 18 months again. Wake up, play all day, eat, and take naps. Maybe if I had known then what I know now, I would have appreciated it more.

K with her cousin

Family pic at our camping trip

At the Cardinals Football Game!

Miracles do happen- just not the way we always imagined they would

2010-08-25T10:03:00.002-07:00

Today I have been feeling depressed. I don't know why. I just feel sad and blah. Maybe it is the numerous pregnancy announcements that keep coming my way. I was sending the link to my adoption blog to a friend and as I scrolled through it I came across my posting from July 9th 2009. I read through it and it brought me to tears but these were tears of joy and happiness. It made me realize how lucky I truly am. I am so blessed to have such an amazing little girl in my life. Whenever I am feeling down I just need to go back an re-read about the day we first met our beautiful daughter and know that miracles do happen just not the way we always imagined they would.

Below is the link but I also copied and pasted it below. Unfortunately the pictures didn't come over with the pasting of the post but that's okay.

http://lisaandwestonadoption.blogspot.com/2009/07/dreams-do-come-true-prayers-are.html

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered!

WE ARE PARENTS!!!! I think I am still in shock!!

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I am still adjusting to motherhood and Kayla is having tons of visitors every day.

Here is our Adoption Story:

We received a call from Lifetime Adoptions on June 24th that a birthmother had reviewed 9 profiles and wanted only us for her 2 1/2 month old baby girl Sophia. We were elated! We didn't have to wait for her to decide between 2 or 3 families. She only wanted us which was amazing!

Thursday June 25th the birthmother and I talked and we reported back to Lifetime that we both wanted to move forward. We had arranged for her to call back at 5:30pm so she could talk to my husband. I had forwarded our adoption 800# to my phone and headed down to my husband's office since he was working late and we waited and waited. No call :( We were heartbroken. The agency kept calling her and there was no response. We were sure she had changed her mind. So many emotions went through my head. "Did I say something wrong on the phone call?" I kept going over the conversation in my head and couldn't find anything I might have said to offend her. We decided to go get some dinner that night and I was so distraught, How could I be going through another type of loss again? This just wasn't fair. We were so close. Then little signs kept coming around me. I was walking around the shops near my husband's office and looked through the window of a souvenir shop. There they had personalized AZ license plates with names on it. There was a man looking at them and when he turned the spinning display the name Sophia faced directly toward me. Was this God's way of telling me this was going to work out? I'll admit, there was a little glimmer of hope still there in my heart but I have had that hope before and had my heart broken with my previous pregnancy losses so I tried not to look to much into it.

As everyone knows, June 25th was the day Michael Jackson died so there was a ton of coverage all over the television. I was at home watching a report on his death when they showed a girl dancing like Michael in front of the Apollo Theater. The announcer said, "and that was Sophie dancing like Michael Jackson." I immediately looked up and thought, "hmm that was weird."

I am a big believer that things happen in 3's so I thought, Okay- that is 2, am I going to get one more sign?" Then a Gerber baby commercial came on. It was a stretch but I counted it as sign #3 anyways.

Friday passed- still no word. Saturday passed- still no word. I was such an emotional wreck. The only thing that made me feel better was babysitting my almost 1 year old nephew. It's so weird but he is my saving grace. Whenever I am down I can just be around him and he lifts my spirits.

Sunday my husband took me to see a funny movie to get my mind off of things. It definitely helped brighten my mood. Then, it happened. SHE CALLED!! She apologized and said she had left for a trip to see her sister and forgotten her phone and that she hadn't changed her mind. She still wanted to move forward. We couldn't believe it.

That whole next week I was on the phone with attorneys and social workers. We found out Wed July 1st that the adoption would take place on July 6th and that we had to fly to Reno. We immediately bought our plane tickets and booked our hotel room. Needless to say I did not sleep well at all that week. I was excited, scared, anxious. I just wanted to go and pick up our baby at that moment.

Friday we went to Target and bought the car seat and stroller. I was so nervous. I felt like we shouldn't be there buying these things yet but my husband wanted to get the basic essentials we needed before we got to Reno so we wouldn't be rushing around.

Saturday was July 4th. I wanted to tell everyone so badly but we knew we had to wait until it was final. It’s kind of like when you are pregnant and don’t tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. You don’t want to announce it too early in case it doesn’t work out.

Sunday we hopped on a plane to Reno. The birthmother text me and told me she didn’t have a ride so we offered to pick her and the baby up for the Monday morning appointment., I was happy about this because one of my biggest fears was that she wouldn’t show up to the signing. Now we were picking her up so that wouldn’t be an issues.

That night my husband and I didn’t sleep. We were so filled with anxiety and anxious about the events that were to happen Monday morning.

The next morning we picked up the birthmother and the baby and I immediately fell in love. That little girl was so amazingly beautiful. We went to the social worker’s office and the signing began. Once all was said and done the time came for our birthmother to say goodbye to the baby. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. What a brave woman she is. I admire her strength and her trust in Weston and I to raise her birth daughter. She kept telling us she knew she was doing the right thing and that we could give her baby the kind of life she wouldn’t be able to provide for her. I asked her if she would like some time alone with the baby before we left and she said no. We dropped her off at her sister’s apartment. The 3 of us just hugged and tightly and said our goodbyes.

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered. I love this little girl as if I carried her for 9 months. Our love for Kayla is more than we could have ever imagined and we feel so blessed and lucky to have her in our lives. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but it is amazing when you look back at your journey and realize why certain things happened the way they did. Losing my job back in October happened for a reason. We were supposed to meet this little girl at the exact time we did. It was all part of a big plan that we had no control over.

Today I look at Kayla in awe. I can't believe after 3 1/2 years and 5 pregnancy losses I am finally a mommy! My husband is finally a daddy, my parents are finally grandparents, my brother is finally an uncle. This is what I have prayed for every night and the time is finally here!

For anyone out there struggling with attaining a dream my advice to you is to keep pushing forward. Randy Pausch said it perfectly. “Brick walls are there for a reason. They help us prove how badly we want something.” My husband and I sure faced a lot of brick walls but we made it!

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone.

But, still miraculously, my own.

Never forget, for a single minute

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

-UNKNOWN

My daughter Kayla and I at Lake Tahoe July 8th 2009

Progress and a Discovery

2010-08-23T10:26:00.003-07:00

Still doing acupuncture and herbs. I went Friday and Dr. Yau said it appears to be working. My PMS symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be. I used to get really sore breast and lower back pain the week prior and now pain is virtually gone. Also, I used to spot for about 6 days off and on before Aunt Flow showed her ugly face and now I only spot for about 2 days before she officially arrives. (sorry TMI I know but it is how I know the treatment is working) So I am making progress. I usually get horrible cramps on cycle day 1 but this time around they weren't as bad as they usually are and as soon as I took 2 Advil I felt much better.

Not sure when I will be able to start trying to conceive again. Maybe Dec or Jan? I'm still taking my fish oil, folic acid, B vitamins, and wheat grass shots. I really hope this works. I want this so badly. I swear, once I carry a pregnancy to term and give birth I'm totally done. I will be content with 2 kids. Hope it happens soon.

Friday night I was looking in my desk drawer and found my old cell phone. I started going through it to see what pictures and videos I had on it from 2007 and stumbled across my ultrasound video of Devon (baby number 3). Looking back it is still hard for me to believe that October 7th 2007 was the first and last time we saw his beautiful beating heart. It was such an amazing day which made the loss so devastating. We thought he was our keeper, our little miracle, but 3 weeks later his heartbeat was gone. I try to put the past behind me but it creeps in sometimes and makes my heart ache. I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven and finally get to hold him in my arms. I know he and Ashton (and the other 5 babies) are watching down on my husband, Kayla, and I and protecting us which brings me some comfort but it doesn't take away how much I miss them.

Devon James 7 weeks 3 days

Tears

2010-08-02T20:24:00.004-07:00

I know 15 people who have either given birth or announced their pregnancies in the last 2 months. 15! Isn't that crazy? Whatever water they are drinking can I please have some?

Today I was overwhelmed with so much emotion at all of the pregnancy announcements. I was genuinely upset but the tears wouldn't come out. It wasn't until my husband got home that the tears began flowing. So many beautiful babies entering our world and none of them are through me. Baby bumps and ultrasound pictures are being posted among my friends on social networking sites. I guess today it finally got to me.

The only ultrasound pictures I have to share are the ones below. 2 out of 7 babies were actually captured on screen and they both passed away shortly after seeing their beautiful heartbeats. All of the pain from those losses came rushing back suddenly. I don't even have that amazing ultrasound picture of Kayla to share with her when she is older or display in her room like everyone else does. Our birth mom didn't pass that one along to me when we adopted her and I think it may be inappropriate to ask for it now.

For a split second I lost hope of ever carrying a pregnancy to term but as soon as the tears dried and I stood up I felt that sense of determination come rushing back. Something in me won't let this go. Something in me won't let me give up. As long as I have that feeling in my heart I know that I have to keep trying. There is a reason I feel this way and to give up now on that dream would be such a huge disservice to myself and this long treacherous journey I have embarked on. I have to keep trying. I have to keep believing.

Devon James passed away Oct 2007

Ashton Michael passed away September 2009

Just Smile

2010-07-20T21:03:00.002-07:00

Charlie Chaplin: Smile

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun shining through

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not African Fertility Statue Exhibit

2010-07-15T15:14:00.002-07:00

So I was telling my friend how bummed I was that I am going to miss the Ripley's Believe It Or Not African Fertility Statue exhibit when I am in Canada by only 2 weeks. She happened to be in Ocean City, Maryland last week and had a chance to touch them herself! She told me to send her a picture of my hands and she would touch her cell phone with the statues. I know pathetic on my part right? But so thoughtful on hers. So I did it. She text me with a message saying "you have just virtually touched the statues." LOL The things I will do to have a baby. I swear.

I would still like to see them in person but don't know where they will be going after the tour is over. My hope is that they end up at the LA location so I can drive there from AZ when I go visit family and friends and stop by while I am in town. Who knows if it really works but it is worth a shot right? The other place I would love to visit is Kununurra, Australia where Nicole Kidman and 6 other women swam in the waterfalls and all ended up pregnant and carried to term. (Northern Western Australia) I haven't been to Australia since I was in the 6th grade so it would be great to go back and see it now that I am old enough to really appreciate it.

http://www.ripleys.com/fertility-statues/

pic I sent to my friend so I could virtually touch the statues

Article about Nicole Kidman

http://www.wowowow.com/post/did-australian-water-help-nicole-kidman-get-pregnant-109717

An Amazing Dream!

2010-07-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

I had the most amazing dream last night. I dreamt I gave birth to a baby boy! I remember I was very surprised because it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. (Which I'm sure is completely unrealistic. LOL)The baby looked exactly like my husband too. He had all of the characteristics of both of us but I remember thinking he was a mini version of my hubby. That is what we always say about my nephew. He is a mini-version of my brother-in-law.

I hope that the dream was a sign. It all felt so real. Hopefully it was a premonition.

I came across this e-book about helping people carry to term and have healthy babies called Pregnancy Miracle. It was only $39 and my hubby said I could order it. It's a holistic approach combined with TCM. I figure I will read it and see if it works. The most I will lose is $39 which in the grand scheme of things is nothing compared to what I have been paying for the past 4 1/2 years. Seems like a pretty small risk. If my year long break and acupuncture don't work I at least have this to fall back on.

So many things are going on in my life these days. Last week I received a call from my boss that I was getting a raise. Today we found out we have a cash offer on our home that is for sale, and my hubby was just offered promotion with another department within his company. So things are looking up. I pray they continue to go this way! I almost feel like I am jinxing it by writing this out. I'm so superstitious!

A Talk With My Acupuncturist

2010-07-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Friday before we set out on our mini vacation to San Diego over 4th of July weekend I went in for my weekly acupuncture appointment. I actually forgot my phone in the car which was a good thing because I was able to actually relax. I wasn't able to take pictures anyway this time because he put 2 needles in each arm. As I was getting my new herbs and paying for my session he re-iterated not to get pregnant for a year. Gosh that seems like a long time. He said if I do I will lose the baby again because my body will not be ready. I was about to ask the question that had been on my mind all week but before I had a chance to he answered it for me.

That question? What are my chances that this is going to work?

He said my chances are very good and gave me a 70% chance of carrying to term with my own eggs if I follow his instructions and do exactly what he says. That means taking my herbs religiously 3x a day everyday and attending weekly acupuncture appointments. It also means eating shellfish, minimizing my caffeine, alcohol and spicy food intake. While this is great news and a better prognosis than western medicine has given me of carrying to term with my own eggs he also said that this is my last chance. If this doesn't work he will not be able to help me. I left the office feeling very hopeful but also nervous. Is this really my last chance? I'm only 30 years old! How could I be running out of time to carry a pregnancy successfully and give birth?

I hate that I'm only 30 years old but feel so much older than that due to my fertility issues. It makes me feel ancient! Like I should have started trying for a baby earlier. I started trying when I was 26! I thought that was early enough. I just wish I could be like every other 30 year old woman out there who wants to continue to grow her family. Still I am holding on to that glimmer of hope I have inside me that this will work. Time to go take some more herbs! LOL

July 6th 2009

2010-07-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

A year ago today we met our birth mom and our beautiful daughter Kayla in Reno, NV. That morning I woke up nervous and excited. I hadn't slept all that much the night before in anticipation of this day. So many things filled my mind. Will our birth mom show up when we arrive to pick her up for our appointment? Will she go through with it or change her mind? Will today be the day I am finally a mommy?

We arrived at Patty's sister's apartment in Sparks, NV to pick her and the baby up. I called her from the car to let her know we were outside waiting. She walked up carrying a beautiful baby girl in her arms with brown hair and hazel eyes. Instantly our hearts melted. Patty handed me the 2 1/2 month old baby girl and we loaded her into the car seat. I don't remember the small talk we had on the way to the social worker's office but I know I tried to keep it light and cheerful. I could only imagine what Patty must have been going through that morning. What was our most joyous and proud day was probably the hardest day of her life. We arrived at the office and met with our social worker Meg.

Meg asked if we wanted to chat for a while and get to know one another but Patty, our birth mom, wanted to get on with the signing of the paperwork. They took her into another room while my husband and I waited with Kayla in the office. I held Kayla as she fell asleep in my arms. I wanted to start snapping pictures right away of our beautiful daughter but at the same time we were very fearful that Patty would return with documents unsigned and say she had changed her mind. In fact I don't think we even took a single picture of Kayla until after we dropped Patty back off at her sister's apartment and headed to Walmart to get more baby supplies. (We hadn't bought much because we were so afraid we would come home empty handed). The whole experience was surreal. I felt like I was watching a Lifetime movie waiting for the story to take a tragic turn where the bottom falls out and the whole thing collapses in front of us. Too many times did we have the rug ripped out from underneath us with our 5 previous pregnancies. Why should this time be any different?

But it was! Patty and our social worker Meg reappeared with signed papers in hand. Our birth mom sat down next to me and stroked Kayla's hair as she lay sleeping in my arms. I felt joy but also sadness for our birth mom. What a brave woman she was that day. There were tears and hugs shared among all of us. We dropped Patty off at her sister's apartment and headed to grab something to eat and share the good news with our family and friends.

I remember calling our family and friends to tell them the news. WE WERE FINALLY PARENTS! We had waited years to announce this kind of news. The morning of July 6th 2009 is a day I will never forget. It was the day my dream of becoming a mommy finally came true and was truly the happiest day of my life.

Yet Another Pregnancy Announcement Among My Friends

2010-06-28T21:07:00.003-07:00

I seriously need to take a major break from the Facebook's Live Feed. It seems like people are announcing pregnancies and popping babies out left and right. I think the part that is the hardest for me is when my friends are actually pregnant. Once the babies are born I'm fine.

When I watch our wedding DVD or see my wedding pictures I can't help but think how naive I was to think having a family would be so easy. Little did I know that 4 1/2 years later we would have experienced 7 miscarriages. Thankfully we were blessed with a successful adoption but I still so badly want to have that baby bump. I often imagine myself looking in the mirror wearing a cute maternity top and touching my belly. I have these dreams of my husband taking pregnancy pictures of me with Kayla so curiously touching my belly wondering what is in there. I happily look down and smile at her and my belly with joy as he snaps the cutest pics ever. Then poof! Back to reality. Will I ever get to sport a cute little baby belly and shop for maternity wear? It's all so frustrating.

I just wish the feelings of jealousy weren't present. I wish that pregnancy announcements were something I was delighted to hear about instead of something I dread. It's all just a reminder of the losses and the sadness I feel that I haven't carried a pregnancy to term. I feel like I am missing out on an amazing experience. It brings back those devastating feelings I felt when the doctor told us our babies had passed away after seeing the heartbeats (pregnancies #3 and #6). I'm a woman. My job is to give birth and life and help populate the planet isn't it? (okay it's not my sole job, but it's one I would like to have come easily like it does for most women) It makes me feel like less of a woman at times that I can't do this one thing. I know I'm not any less because I haven't given birth but those feelings still surface at times. I love being a mom and I want to experience it over and over again. I want to watch Kayla play with her little brother or sister. Ugh, now I feel like I am just whining and having a pity party. I need to shut up and be thankful for what I have instead of sad about what I don't. I know I am blessed. I know I am lucky. I just wish I could let this go. I wish I didn't want this so badly.

More Acupuncture 6-25-10

2010-06-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today was my weekly acupuncture appt. He checked my tongue and my pulse then had me lay down. This time he placed 2 needles in my stomach and then various needles in my feet and legs. He then attached a pulsing unit to each of the needles to help stimulate blood flow and strengthen my inner core. I laid there for about 40 min on my back. I was supposed to be relaxing but I found myself checking emails on my blackberry and texting my friends. It did make the time go by pretty fast but next week I think I will keep my phone in my car so I can really spend that time relaxing. See pictures below:

Again he gave me two new packs of herbs to take for the week. They all look the same to me but he insists they are different each week. He said they are going to help strengthen my ovaries and help delay the aging process. Um, I'm only 30 years old. I didn't know I had to worry about the aging process yet but apparently the ovaries are the first to go and since Western Medicine says I have pre-mature ovarian failure I guess it is good I am doing this now right? Dr. Yau has so much faith in his practice and so many success stories I feel like I have to believe him. Problem is, I have been here before. I have been so incredibly hopeful in the past that it makes the losses that much more devastating when they happen despite the hard work and discipline I have put myself through. I follow all of the rules, I never miss an appt or a pill, or a shot, and still it ends the same. (Sigh) What do I have to lose really though? I've already been through 7 losses so if I have another one I will at least know that I tried everything I could to carry a pregnancy to term with my own eggs. I have decided that I will give this one more shot and if it doesn't work I am moving on to IVF with Donor Eggs or another adoption. So let the poking and prodding contintue. This chick is not giving up yet!

Up close shot of stomach & left foot with needles and pulsing units

Herbs

A Year Ago Today.......

2010-06-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I received the call that changed my life forever in the best way possible. I remember that day so clearly. My husband and I were at my parent’s house visiting my dad because he had just come home from the hospital after having a heart procedure done. I was standing in their dining room when my cell phone rang. I always had it on me in hopes that I would be getting a call any day about a possible adoption situation. My heart fluttered as I answered it and it was a coordinator from Lifetime. I grabbed my husband and we went outside on the patio. She excitedly told us we had been matched! The birth mom looked at some profile books and out of the 8 she had seen she only wanted us!! That was the day we found out about a 2 month old baby girl from Nevada. They explained that the birth mother wanted to move forward with the adoption very quickly and asked us if we were interested in talking to her. Of course we were! We were ecstatic! She emailed us the below pictures and our hearts just melted. We were IN LOVE!

Acupuncture Session #3

2010-06-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

Today I went to acupuncture again. He switched up my herbs and told me that I need to make sure I take them religiously because they are the only thing that is going to help me. Not sure if I believe this will help me carry to term but I have to at least try it right? Here are some pics I took with my phone. The bruises on my belly are from the Lovenox injections (blood thinners) I have to take when I am pregnant not from the acupuncture needles. I guess having to use the Lovenox injections has really done a number on my belly when it comes to bruising but I assure you these look very good compared to what they usually look like when I am actually pregnant. I hope this time next year I will be posting "Baby Belly" pictures on this blog instead.

Taking a Break from TTC

2010-06-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I jumped on the treadmill for 30 min and watched a movie as a little break from work. I'm going to try and do that every day. I follow up by using the big ball to do sit ups and leg lifts. With this break coming up from TTC I may try and sport a bikini again if I can get my tummy toned and the bruises to go away from the Lovenox shots. I've stuck to tankinis that cover my tummy since my bruises have been so bad.

I'm now taking herbs 3x a day, working out, using the juicer (lettuce, cucumber, green apple, lemon, and celery) and doing wheat grass shots. I will try a 4 month break first. Then I will ask my acupuncturist where I'm at in my progress and see if my body is ready to start trying to get pregnant again.

These next 4 months I plan on really enjoying life. Going on trips and vacations with my family, eating healthy, exercising, and just really relaxing. I may even put the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor away and just do the Arbonne Prolief cycle days 12-26. There really is no point in wasting the test sticks if I'm not trying to get pregnant right now.

This weekend I read the 5th Twilight book "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner." (actually it is a novella and a side book to Eclipse which comes out in theaters June 30th) Then I watched movies all weekend. My husband enjoyed himself lounging around but I just wanted to get out and do something. Since I work from home I don't get out of the house all that much and with Kayla (my 14 month old daughter) I was confined to the house because she had Roseola last week.

If you are looking for some movies to watch this summer here is the list of movies I saw this weekend and my input:

1. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen (movie was a let down. Hope the 3rd one is better)

2. Star Trek I had already seen this one though in the theater. Good movie though.

3.When in Rome (dumb ass movie. Don't waste your time)

4. It's Complicated (it was okay-Alec Baldwin is looking very old and you can tell he has had a face lift or 2 or 3 or 4!)

5. Remember Me (AMAZING movie. Even my hubby liked it.) I thought it was just a chick flick romance movie with Rob Pattinson but it turned out to be a lot deeper than I could have imagined. You should watch it. Plus Rob Pattinson is a hottie so you can't really go wrong there! LOL

6. Dear John (big snooze. hated the ending)

7. Twilight Saga: New Moon (you need to read the books first. They are addicting!)
So ya I literally spent my entire weekend watching movies. I need to get a life!

It was all I could do since we couldn't go anywhere because K was contagious to kids under 3 with Roseola until her rash went away. Thank Goodness she is better.

Father's Day is this coming weekend so I am trying to plan something special for my hubby since it is his first Father's Day.

So in a nut shell I am trying to remain positive and take this TTC break and really enjoy the wonderful things life has to offer.

2nd Acupuncture Visit After 7 Losses

2010-06-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Went to acupuncture today and he wants me to not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year so he can get my body ready for a pregnancy again! Can't say I am happy about that but maybe it will be a good break for me I guess. Kind of disappointed but I want to make sure my body is ready. He switched me to the herbs in a pill form and told me hopeful stories of women who were given a 0 chance of pregnancy and with his help they had babies. I go again next Friday

The Empty Picture Frame

2010-06-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really depressed lately. Maybe it is my 7th loss on 5-5-10, or that everyone who was pregnant the same time I was had their babies this month when I was pregnant with number 6.(the 2nd pregnancy we lost after seeing the heartbeat in Oct 2009). Maybe it is because some of my friends are pregnant or because a friend of mine just had a miscarriage. Maybe it is a combination of all of these. I don't know.

Anyways, a friend of mine sent me this book titled "The Empty Picture Frame" by Jenna Currier Nadeau. I have had it sitting at my desk since it arrived a couple of weeks ago and just haven't felt up to reading it. Today I decided to open it up and read the Preface. It was a very good read but I found myself getting very emotional. I don't think I am ready to sit down and read it yet. I have a feeling it is going to open up old wounds that I'm not ready to feel again yet. The good news is that while the story itself doesn't have a happy ending after the book was published the author did fulfill her dream of having a family. She has 1 child through adoption and carried 1 child to term and gave birth. So that does give me hope.

I guess right now I am just a big mixed ball of emotions. I'm exhausted with this multiple miscarriage journey and the constant fight to carry a pregnancy to term. Still I am heading to acupuncture again tomorrow to try put my body back into balance. I guess I'm still willing to give it another try once I am given the "green light" from my acupuncturist which will probably be in about 2-3 months. I need to take advantage of this break and enjoy not having to stress about TTC. (trying to conceive). If you would like to learn more about this book below is the link to Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Picture-Frame-Inconceivable-Infertility/dp/1432705962

About the Author

Jenna and Mike Nadeau have struggled with infertility since shortly after they were married in 2002. Jenna is a current volunteer for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. She has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show as well as The Today Show to discuss their experiences. Together, Jenna and her husband have written The Empty Picture Frame as a way to share their journey and educate others.

Back to Acupuncture Again

2010-06-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided to try acupuncture again. Not sure why, just feel like I need to do something and be proactive. I just can't accept that my eggs aren't any good and that egg donor is my only option. So Friday I went back to the first doctor I saw after pregnancy loss #3. He is closer to my house and cheaper. My sister-in-law had a co-worker use him after she had 3 losses and he helped her carry to term so I figured it was worth another shot. I loved my last acupuncturist Robert but he is about 45min away and since I work from home and have Kayla now it would be too much for me to drive all the way out there.

So I went and saw Dr. Yau on Friday. I explained to him that I have had 7 losses and he looked at me and said, "why haven't you come to see me sooner?" He examined me and said I had a very weak pulse and that I was carrying a lot of heat. Not sure that that means exactly but he told me to eat papaya, stay away from the sweets (which I LOVE), and eat spicy food in moderation. We are going to work on strengthening my reproductive system with acupuncture and herbs. He placed the needles in me and prepared 4 days worth of "tea" for me to take home. I go back Tuesday for another appt. Thank God I do because I can not handle this so called "tea." It is the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life and it takes 1 hour and 10 min to prepare every single day! Not to mention the fact that it makes my house stink! There is a pill form and although it isn't as effective as the tea I am going to have to insist we stop the tea and move forward with that. I don't have time to make the tea everyday and the taste is just so horrible I get depressed just thinking about when I have to take my next dose.

The tea is literally a bag of herbs that I boil in a pot for 10 min, then I steep it and put the herbs back in and boil them again in 3 cups of water for 30min, then I steep again, and repeat step 2 again for another 30 min. Then I have to divide it into 3 portions and drink it 3 times a day. IT IS AWFUL! I have gagged when I get some of the sediments at the end. I ended up making a batch Friday and 1 batch today but I had to throw away the other 2 days worth. I do want to carry a pregnancy to term but I guess I have my limits. I will gladly take the pill form so hopefully that will help me balance out my body and get it ready to carry a pregnancy to term.

So, do I think this is going to work? I don't know. I've done the acupuncture route before and it didn't but I guess I feel I just need to try Dr. Yau again. I've also started doing my morning cleansing tonics using the juicer. I read about it in The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova and if all else fails at least I will be very balanced and very healthy right? I wish someone could tell me the right combination to get me to where I want to be. I know God doesn't negotiate but I have prayed to Him over and over again. "Please just let me carry one pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby and I promise I will NEVER ask for this again." I really want Kayla to have a little brother or sister and I have always wanted at least 2 kids.

Maybe I need to let this go, maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't give up yet. So much for letting go and letting God. I'm trying but man it is so hard to just let this go. I'm not one to just throw in the towel when things get tough.

Surprised Feelings

2010-05-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

Another friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. We were about 3 weeks apart in our due dates. I am so happy for her. I can't wait to meet the new baby. Surprisingly when she text me to tell me she was in labor I was overcome with joy. I didn't expect this reaction from myself but was relieved that instead of jealousy I felt happiness. Maybe this is all getting a little easier for me to handle since all of my friends are popping out babies.

There still is a part of that feels sad though. I want that experience of rushing to the hospital because I'm in labor and have that moment where the doctor finally hands me my baby. I want that moment where I get to look into their eyes for the first time, exhausted, and numb from the waist down crying tears of joy and happiness. Is it weird that I want the pain and the pushing? Ugh It hurts just thinking that I may never get to experience that. The day we met Kayla I was under a lot of stress. I was so afraid that my birth mother would change her mind. I couldn’t fully relax until we had arrived at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix after a long exhausting week of waiting for state clearance to take her home and even then I was afraid something else would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t be finalized. I feel I was robbed of that moment you know? I didn’t fully relax until November 2009 when the courts made it official. Guess since I went through so much loss I was afraid that I would lose her too. I still go into her room at night and make sure she is breathing even though she is in the clear from SIDS. I can't imagine my world without her. She fills me with so much joy and happiness. When I am feeling down I think back to the day we walked through the front door and were welcomed by family, friends, a decorated house, and gifts. It was such a joyous day.

This current cycle was a bomb. BFN (Big Fat Negative). Waiting for the new cycle to begin. I've started my wheatgrass shots again and I am going to an acupuncture appt on Friday. We will see what happens. Tomorrow is a new day.

Vision Board

2010-05-26T09:40:00.001-07:00

VISION BOARD

A couple of years ago I read the book The Secret. In the book they talked about the creating a Vision Board. What is a Vision Board?

A "Dream Board" or "Vision Board" is an artistic view of writing out your goals.

Imagine you have the power to create what you want your life to be. You are creating the story and you have the ability to make anything happen. This is YOUR vision. It's the same thing as writing out your goals but you are using pictures to invoke more emotion than simply writing out a list.

Back in 2008 I created my first Vision Board. (picture below)

It's amazing to look back and see how many of these came true. I am a mom, I am in Baby Bliss, I have family blessings, I got a new car (although it wasn't the Murano I love my Civic), Weston got his Emmy Award, I did have 3 positive pregnancy tests. Originally I also had a new cell phone and a camera on here but I took those off once I got those. The only things that haven't come true yet is the the pregnant belly, giving birth, the twins and the cruise. Looking at this board shows me I have had many blessings in my life and I am truly thankful especially for my little miracle Kayla. Now it is time to update it!

Below is my updated Vision Board. I kept the Emmy Award pic up because I would love Weston to win many more. Of course the pregnant bellies will stay on there since I still want to have a successful pregnancy but I actually added those words to it this time and a quote that says "I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery.". I also added a family of 4, a sold sign since my house is on the market, a new house (1 story, 3 car garage with a pool), and trips to France and Italy. (I tried to be as specific as possible)

Let's see what 2010 and 2011 bring. Here is to hoping and believing Miracles Happen.

Grey's Anatomy Finale

2010-05-20T22:16:00.001-07:00

Okay I'll admit it. When I saw the preview last week for the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and they showed Meredith finding out she was pregnant I thought to myself, "of course they are going to show this happily ever after story about her and Derek having a baby next season." I also figured this was how they were going to incorporate the actress's real life pregnancy into the series. They already touched on ectopic pregnancy with Christina back in season 1 so why would they do another miscarriage story?

How shocked was I when the finale ended with a moment that was all too real to me? In fact just 3 weeks ago the ending scene in Grey's Anatomy tonight happened to me in real life. I too picked up my digital test that read "Pregnant" and threw it into the trash after having another miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that scene at all.

Although pregnancy loss and miscarriage is devastating it does bring some comfort to know that television is starting to incorporate it into story lines more and show the public that not everyone gets married, gets pregnant, and has a baby the first time around. I think it makes those of us that have gone through a loss or several feel less alone and isolated. The show Brothers & Sisters also touched on this back in 2007 right about the time I had miscarriage #3.

Bravo to the television writers for bringing this topic into the lime light.

Dreaming

2010-05-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

The other night I had a dream. I don't remember everything that occurred but I do remember walking into a nursery and seeing Kayla in her crib but she wasn't alone. There was a newborn baby girl in there with her. Then the dream shifted to me in a car with my dad and I was telling him how I wasn't even 31 yet and felt like a 40 year old. My dad and I arrived at a mansion where a convention was being held. The place was beautiful with elegant furniture, an amazing pool, and people everywhere. A man came up to us and asked us what company we were with and said he didn't think we were supposed to be there. I remember saying, "we were just leaving." Then I got angry and said "actually no, I'm in Marketing and have every right to be here" and the man and I started talking business. (huh? totally weird I know) I remember being dressed in business attire except I had dress shoes on without socks.(???)

Anyway, dad and I got back in car and I remembered that the girls were still in their crib and I needed to get back so I to get them up and ready for their day. I started freaking out trying to think who could get them ready in time because we were all running late for something. (No idea what that something was) It was so bizarre.

I wish I could talk to Sylvia Browne or Allison Dubois and find out what this dream meant and know what the future holds. I just want to know if I'm plain crazy for wanting to keep trying or if there really is something to this gut feeling that won't let me give up on my dream to carry a pregnancy to term.

This morning I woke up and started searching the Internet about elevated FSH. I began getting very discouraged at the statistics and medical findings. Then I turned on Joel Osteen and listened to him speak and began searching for success stories for those who carried to term with elevated FSH. I came across a website that gave me hope. A lady who was 36 had higher FSH levels than I have and conceived naturally and was 26 weeks pregnant at the time of her last post. That brought a smile to my face and I realized that just maybe I can do this.

Frustration!

2010-05-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I'm at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. It seems every day more and more people are announcing the wonderful news of their pregnancy. DAMN IT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN! I've been pregnant more times than any of my friends and I still don't have a successful pregnancy to show for it. I just want to scream!!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Okay I've had my tantrum. Now back to reality. I really am truly happy for those around me that are pregnant. It just hurts. I want so badly to have that experience. If so many women in the world around me can do it why can't I? It just doesn't make sense. The doctor's say that I have bad egg quality. It was something I was born with. Lucky me. But there are plenty of women out there who have bad egg quality and they have carried to term and given birth. Do I keep putting myself through the torture of multiple miscarriages and pray one sticks? I'm not a quitter. It's hard for me to say, "Okay I have had enough. I'm done." I just can't do that. Not yet.

I wish I could fast forward time and see how this all turns out. I realize I'm lucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a broken record but I do realize I have experienced a few of the joys pregnancy has to offer that many women never do. I at least know the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test. I know what it is like to see that beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound. I have video and pictures of 2 of my 7 babies. Some women don't even get that and I am so grateful. But it is also a huge slap in the face every time I have a loss; especially after seeing a healthy beating heart. I think that is what makes it so incredibly devastating.

There is one thing I want to make clear. I know that someday my daughter Kayla may read my journals and my blogs and think "what about me?"

Kayla, you are my miracle baby. You are the most amazing child I have ever known and I am proud to be your mommy. I can't imagine my world without you. From the moment I first saw you your dad and I were in love. I just wish I could take credit for how great you are. I wish I could tell you stories about the first time I felt you kick or the morning sickness you caused. I wish I could show you ultrasound pictures and video of your little heart beating on the screen. I wish that I could give you the guilt trip like my mom does every year on my birthday and remind you about how long I was in labor. Don't worry, I'm sure I will find some other kind of mother-daughter guilt trip to give you. LOL

I know I know. I have so many amazing memories and stories to share with her about her firsts here on earth but I still wish her and I could have had that 9 month bonding experience.

So where do I go from here? I seem to ask myself that same question after every loss. I guess I am going to take a break and then try again when I am ready.

Miscarriage #7

2010-05-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Finally heard from the doc and my number went from 59 to 39 :( I'm okay. I know I am going to be okay. I kind of suspected this. I didn't have a good feeling about it at all. He is suggesting IVF with donor egg. Am I crazy for even considering putting myself through another pregnancy? If I can get my husband to agree I might just do it. I think we will wait a couple of years to do that though. Guess my fight to give birth to a full term pregnancy continues.

God I am so grateful for my little Kayla. She is my miracle baby. Maybe now I need to come to terms with the fact that I may never carry to term.

Feeling down right now.

2010-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

I tried posting this early this morning but it wouldn't post for some reason:Feeling down right now. It's 1:41am and I went to the bathroom tonight and noticed a brown tinge color on the toilet paper. I can’t sleep. Maybe I should be using the other progesterone and not the OTC one. Ugh. I’m so tired of this. I just want to cry right now. I really need to stop getting my hopes up about this one. I know brown means old blood but I’ve been here before. I just want to throw up. I just want to be a normal pregnant woman. I want to be pregnant and know 9 months later I will be giving birth to a baby. Why won't my body do this? I will hear about my 2nd blood draw tomorrow. I know there is nothing I can do but wait.

UPDATE (1:37pm 5-5-10)
Still waiting to hear about my second blood draw from the doc. I had a very sleepless night and a morning full of tears and crying. I know I always said I would keep trying until one sticks but I just don't know how much more I can take. Still feeling mild cramping and lower back pain. I just want to know where I stand. I've called the nurses line 3 times and left messages. This is so frustrating!

Pregnancy #7

2010-05-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Friday I found out I'm pregnant again. Took a test and got a faint positive so I ran to the store and bought a digital to make sure it was accurate. Sure enough within 3 min the + Yes sign appeared in the window. I went and got blood work done that same day and my first HCG was 59. Since the labs were closed on Sunday I have to wait until tomorrow, Tuesday, to get my second blood draw so they can see if the numbers doubled twice. The nurse said 59 was a good number to start with. I got the surge on CD 10 and tested on CD 26 so I was just barely pregnant.

It's hard to believe this is pregnancy #7. I'm having a lot of anxiety this time around. More so than I have ever had. I'm trying to remain hopeful and believe that this will be Lucky #7. I started my Lovenox injections on Friday as soon as I found out and am doing the usual folic acid 3x a day, 1 baby aspirin, DHA prenatals, and topical progesterone cream twice a day. (I decided to not go with the prescription form this time around since I have used it for pregnancies 3 thru 6 and still had the same result in the end). This time I have been doing Arbonne Prolief Natural Balancing Cream during the last 1/2 of my cycle for the past 3 months so I am just going to continue on with that and see if that helps.

I'm trying to take a different approach this time around. With my past 6 pregnancies I have been very secretive and not told many people. This time around I guess my husband and I are past the whole superstition and jinxing thing since keeping it a secret hasn't changed anything.

So now it is a waiting game again. I pray to God that this is our sticky bean and we can finally carry a pregnancy to term.

Before I Was A Mom

2010-04-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is coming up soon. I've been feeling a little emotional. My due date for the last pregnancy is Mother's Day and one of my co-workers is due any day now to have her baby and our due dates were 3 days apart. So May 9th is a bitter sweet day for me. On one hand it will be my first Mother's Day as a mom but also the day I should be giving birth to baby number 6. So hopefully I'm not an emotional wreck that day.

A friend sent this to me today in an email and it brought me to tears. I am so happy to be a mommy.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

-UNKNOWN

The Today Show Segment 4-1-10 Coping with Infertility and Miscarriage

2010-04-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

I had tears in my eyes when I saw this segment on The Today Show. Although I am technically "resolved" and am a mother now I still feel the effects that infertility and multiple pregnancy losses has had on my life. I still hold that dream of carrying a pregnancy to term myself and long to have the experience of giving birth. Everything in this segment rang true to my heart. From giving myself shots, to the emotional roller coaster, to receiving birth announcements in the mail, to lost friendships along the way. It does bring some comfort to me that the media has taken a strong stance in making infertility and miscarriage known in the US. Not everyone gets married and has a baby so easily. I wish people would understand that. This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life and sometimes those around me don't understand how devastating it is to lose not 1 baby, not 2, but 6 babies. I have been told that I should just "get over it" already. Although I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter in my life and am finally a mom I will never forget those 6 babies that never made it to this earth.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...

2010-03-31T07:49:00.000-07:00

"It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...we can't erase what was meant to be" -UNKNOWN

This is a very tough quote for me because it is so hard for me to let go of my past losses. I understand what it is saying but I still find it hard to believe that I was meant to lose 6 pregnancies.

I can understand that I had my 5 losses so that I would be blessed with Kayla. I totally get that. If I hadn't experienced those 5 miscarriages Kayla would have never entered our lives and become our daughter. I can't imagine my life without Kayla. She is such a miracle.

What I don't understand is why my 6th pregnancy didn't survive. That was my chance to make Kayla a big sister and to finally carry a pregnancy to term. I guess hindsight is 20/20 and everything will unveil itself at the right time. I just wish and hope that is sooner rather than later.

It's Amazing What A Walk Through the Park Can Do

2010-03-30T16:37:00.002-07:00

It's amazing what a walk through the park can do.
This past weekend I experienced the insensitivity of someone who takes pregnancy for granted. I won't go into the specifics because it really isn't worth repeating but the comment was crass and very inappropriate. The rest of the night I was a ball of emotions. I was angry one moment sad the next. I can't stand it when people take their pregnancy and ability to carry to term for granted like it's nothing. Don't they realize how lucky they are? Don't they realize I would trade places with them in a heartbeat?

I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and down about my infertility and pregnancy losses. I decided to take my nephew to the park since I was watching him. (my daughter was home with my husband taking a nap). I put him in the jogger and headed out to our neighborhood park. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, there were kids on the swings and families having picnics on the grass. It was a typical Spring day in Arizona. For some reason just being outside lifted my spirits immensely. It was nice to get out and pretend I was a kid again as I went down the slides with my nephew and pushed him on the swings. I felt free from all of the stress of family drama, multiple miscarriages, etc. Maybe I felt so good because I felt like our 3rd baby, our son Devon, was with us that day. He would have been just 2 months older than my nephew Carter. It really is amazing how getting out and being around people and children can actually help you feel better when you are down.

Tonight I had a good cry. A close friend of mine is pregnant again (unexpectedly) and I am happy for her but also sad because I really want that for myself. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. I want one of my pregnancies to have a happy ending like everyone else around me. I often ask myself, "what are they doing right that I'm not?" "Why don't I deserve to have a successful pregnancy?" 6 miscarriages in 4 years is unbelievable. I am so thankful for my daughter. I really truly am, but I just can't let go of the fact that I want to give her a little brother or sister and I want to do it myself through my own body. I wish I could let this go but I can't. I love being a mom so much I guess I just want more. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I thank God every night for our precious daughter Kayla. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life. But I also wish I could participate in those pregnancy conversations with other women around me. Talk about cravings and weight gain and how long I was in labor with Kayla for. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Why do I want the experience of pregnancy so badly? Maybe it is because I have only experienced the disappointment and heartbreaking side of pregnancy instead of the joys and happiness that those have experienced all around me.

This post started is kind of weird. I started writing it earlier today and I guess my emotions have done a 180. Just feeling kind of down right now. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The View, RESOLVE, & The Walk of Hope

2010-02-26T10:16:00.001-07:00

I am so glad The View dedicated an entire show to Infertility and Multiple Miscarriages. Too many couples experience this heartbreaking journey. Please take some time to watch this 38 min episode.

To see segment go to the link below:
http://abc.go.com/watch/the-view/167365/252234/the-view-225

If you are going through the struggle to start your family please also consider joining RESOLVE- The National Infertility Association. They were a huge support system for me when I was "unresolved" and I met some amazing women with whom I am very close friends with still today.

RESOLVE Website:

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer

Join us for the Walk of Hope March 20th!

http://www.resolve.org/site/Calendar/540182735?view=Detail&id=35161

The Walk of Hope is held to give hope to those facing infertility and to celebrate those families formed through adoption and medical intervention. For 1 in 8 couples in the United States, the dream of creating a family is a long, emotional and expensive journey. Infertility is a devastating disease, touching every aspect of life - physical, emotional, spiritual and financial.
RESOLVE works to increase public awareness of the issues surrounding infertility and the various family-building options available to those facing this disease.

4 Years TTC and Carry to Term

2010-01-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this back in January and forgot to post it for some reason:

ugh I'm depressed now. They just announced that a co-worker is pregnant with her 3rd baby and is due May 1st. I was due May 8th with the last pregnancy. At least I will only have to see her once next week when I fly for my business trip and won't have to attend a baby shower or anything. I don't do baby showers anyways. I am very happy for her but sad for me. I hate this feeling. Guess I will get over it like I have in the past. It just sucks feeling this way.

I have many sleepless nights thinking about why I can't carry to term. It's something I think about every single day. Every night I pray that God will let me have just 1 successful pregnancy and birth. It will be 4 years since we started TTC (trying to conceive) on Feb 14th. 4 years!

My brain won't shut it off . I keep trying to solve the puzzle and it just frustrates me more. The one thing I am holding on to is that I read in a booked called Coming to Term that if a woman keeps trying enough times eventually one pregnancy will stick and result in a live healthy birth even without medical intervention.(although I still use the progesterone and lovenox when I am pregnant) My doctor has said this as well. To anyone reading-If you don't believe this to be true please don't tell me. I still believe anything is possible.

I feel guilty because I know if my husband would have married someone else he would have a baby or 2 or 3 by now. It breaks my heart that I can't give this to him and that I have been pregnant 6 times and not 1 has survived. Just doesn't seem fair.

I do realize I need to focus on what I have and be grateful. It could be so much worse. I am blessed that I have a beautiful baby girl who lights up my life. Although I didn't give birth to her I love her as if I had more than anyone could possibly know. I am experiencing the joys of motherhood.

So yes- I am very lucky in the fact that I am a mother, I have an amazing child and husband, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, etc. It's just hard to focus on those things when you want the other things so badly and everyone around you seems to get it the easy way.

Feeling Kind of Sad Right Now

2010-01-04T20:11:00.000-07:00

A week ago today I lost my little puppy Gidget. She was my baby doll, my cuddle bug. We don't know what happened exactly. She was fine Sunday night and then Monday morning everything just went down hill. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, and was moaning. I took her to the vet and they thought she may have pancreatitis. They took an x-ray, gave her some fluids, gave me some meds and sent me home. Just a few hours later she died in my arms. It is kind of a double edged sword. I'm glad she didn't die alone and I was holding and kissing her as she took her last breath but I'm also heart broken I had to witness it.

See, Gidget was more than a puppy. She was with me through each one of my 6 pregnancy losses. Each time I would come home from the doctor's office with the bad news that another baby had passed away she was there to lick away my tears and cuddle with me. When we adopted our daughter Kayla I remember picking her up and telling her, "See Gidg? This is what we have been waiting so long for!" I may be crazy but I totally felt like she "got it" and understood what I was saying. It's hard to believe that she is gone. I will miss her dearly. I love you Gidgi.

9/25/05-12/28/09

The past 10 years 2000-2010

2009-12-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

Here are my 00's from 2000-2010

2 internships,
1 college graduation,
6 jobs (yes 6 LOL I didn't stay put for too long at one place),
1 layoff
2 boyfriends
1 husband
2 honeymoons (first one was ruined by hurricane),
4 car accidents- 2 cars which were total losses,
6 pregnancies
6 miscarriages
2 surgeries
bought 2 houses
3 dogs
1 cat
1 adoption
1 daughter

Man a lot has happened in 10 years! Isn't it crazy?

Here is to an amazing 2010!

Christmas 2009 and Looking On to 2010

2009-12-27T21:07:00.001-07:00

What an amazing Christmas 2009 turned out to be! Becoming a mom is the greatest gift I was given this year. Kayla received tons of presents! We hosted our family holiday party, like we do every year, and opened presents as a family of 3 Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas has always been watching others open up their presents. Watching their faces light up when they get that gift they have been wanting. It’s what makes the holiday for me.

Guess I have a little of the after Christmas blues although I don't think they are blues because the holiday is gone. It is more of a sadness because pretty much everyone around me is pregnant. Guess it is just hard because I should still be pregnant right now with my 6th pregnancy. I seriously know about 5 or 6 people due around the time I would have been in 2010. I thought this strong feeling to want to carry to term and give birth would go away once I became a mom through adoption but I just can't shake it. I LOVE being a mommy and I LOVE Kayla so much but there is still something inside me that won't let go and let me give up on carrying a pregnancy to term myself. I want more than anything to give Kayla a sibling and although I will totally adopt again I just really want to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy living baby. It's so frustrating to feel this way still. I feel so bad. How come being a mommy isn't enough for me? How come I still want to be pregnant and have that pregnant belly and experience giving birth? Having Kayla has been a true miracle and I am so proud and lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I can’t imagine my life without her and I Thank God every single night that He has blessed me with such a wonderful little girl. I guess I just sit and wonder if I will ever be able to give her a sibling myself. I want her to have a little brother or sister if not 2. I wish I had the freedom, like most women do, to decide when I will have my second child, get pregnant, and know that baby will actually be born and not end in another miscarriage. It’s so weird to think that just 5 years ago I had no clue having a family would be such a challenge. I just can’t give up yet. I still feel it will happen one day and when it does, I will be ready.

2009 brought many blessings my way. Here is to an even more amazing 2010!

Christmas Time

2009-12-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

Finally things are back to normal with me physically. I was a little worried there because it was a good 6 weeks since my 6th loss before Aunt Flo finally showed up but I am now back on track.

There is still a part of me that wants to try this cycle but I know I just really need a break. I don't think I have the energy to endure another pregnancy and possibly another pregnancy loss right now. I just want to enjoy the holidays with my baby girl and my hubby and maybe give it another go sometime in 2010. I wish my desire to carry to term wasn't so strong but it is. I can't deny it and I just know I can't give up yet.

A ton of my friends are pregnant right now which is hard. I want to be right there with them. I should be right there with them :( I want to experience a successful pregnancy like everyone else around me. I still hold that dream very close to my heart.

Thankfully one of my dreams has finally come true. I am finally a mommy this Christmas and for that I am extremely grateful. I finally feel like I have a purpose. My job is to give this little precious baby the best upbringing possible. To give her a life full of so many possibilities and to teach her all of the things I have learned throughout my 30 years in life so far. I know I will remember this Christmas forever because I have waited so long to share it with my own baby. So I guess this Christmas I am going to choose to be at peace. I'm going to laugh, love, and enjoy every single minute of our first Christmas together as a family of 3.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.....

2009-11-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." -Cinderella

Today I watched Cinderella with my 7 month old baby girl and for the first time in years I actually listened to the words in this song. I never realized how much this song spoke to me with all that I have been through with my pregnancy losses and my journey to motherhood. My dream of becoming a mother has come true which I am truly thankful for. Kayla is my little miracle and I look at her in awe every single day. If we have to adopt again to get #2 I am more than willing. I love her as if I carried her for 9 months. I only wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is.

Last week I had my follow up from the 6th pregnancy loss. Now the doc is saying that he thinks IVF or IVF with donors eggs isn't really an option because all it would do is get me pregnant faster and not guarantee a live birth. Since I have been able to get pregnant on my own in the past fairly quickly he thinks I should just keep trying until one sticks if I am up for it. I really wish someone would say, "here is the problem, and this is how we will fix it" but I know I will probably never hear that sentence.

There is just still something inside me that dreams I will have a successful pregnancy and carry to term one day. Am I crazy because I still believe it is going to happen? Maybe so.

In the meantime I will keep on believing.

No Answers

2009-10-21T16:00:00.001-07:00

Well, the Dr. is still following my HCG levels from this last pregnancy.

Monday 10-5-09 it was in the 1000's

Monday 10-12 it was 101

Monday 10-19 it was 16

So I still have to go back again. They couldn't get anything to grow from the tissue I brought in so we don't have any answers on baby #6. :( I feel so depressed right now. Maybe it is better that I don't know the sex of the baby and whether it was normal or abnormal. I have a follow up appt on the 6th. We will see what they say.

I HATE THIS! I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’m so frustrated. I just want to carry 1 baby to term and give birth to a healthy baby. Just 1. That is all I want. I love being a mom and love Kayla so much. She truly is my miracle baby and the light of my life. I am so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. Adoption has been a blessing for all of us.

I just wish I didn't want this so badly. I just can't imagine never giving birth in this lifetime. I have always wanted an adopted child and a biological child. I want to have this experience, to have a successful pregnancy, carry to term, give birth, and give Kayla a sibling.

(sigh) maybe someday

Miscarriage #6-Update

2009-10-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

I won't need to get a D&C after all. I miscarried here at the house on Saturday and went in today to bring in the tissue to be tested and had an u/s to make sure my uterus was clear of the pregnancy. It's just so hard to believe. Just 2 weeks ago I saw a healthy heartbeat and the doc said everything looked text book.

I guess I wasn't all that shocked when he told me on Friday that the baby had died. After going through this so many times I think I just become numb and try not to get attached because it always ends the same. They think that this baby will come back chromosomally abnormal do to my egg quality and my elevated FSH but I'm just not so sure. The results came back as a normal boy that last time we saw a heartbeat with my 3rd loss. Guess we will see what the tests say about this one. Hopefully they can get some info from what I brought in.

It's weird but physically the losses get easier. This one wasn't as painful as the 4th one I did naturally and that one wasn't as bad as my very first loss back in 2006. Emotionally of course it gets harder but I will say that having Kayla here makes this one easier to handle. It's just so depressing. I feel like when I walk in the office I'm "the girl who has had 6 losses." It sucks.

But despite all of these losses I somehow feel I have more tries in me. Is that weird? I just have this feeling that I will carry to term one day if I keep trying. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. I remember saying after my 3rd loss that I would keep trying until I got my keeper. Here I am 3 more losses later and I somehow still feel the same way.

For now I am taking time to recover. I'm focusing on this wonderful baby girl I have been blessed with and going to enjoy celebrating all of her first holidays. I've wanted to do that for so long. She truly is my miracle baby. The love of my life. (besides my hubby of course)

It's funny, my friends give me crap for having the Baby On Board magnet on my car but you know what? I don't care. I just come back with, "hey-I've waited almost 4 years and been through hell to have that on my car. I think I've earned it, I'm proud to have it on my car." I really could care less what they think. To me it is my bragging right.

Miscarriage #6-October 2nd 2009

2009-10-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

Miscarriage #6
October 2nd, 2009 (Missed Miscarriage)

Next week I am going to have to be out for a day for surgery. I found out today I am having my 6th miscarriage and they are going to do a D&C sometime next week but we aren’t sure when. They have to wait for the Lovenox to get out of my system before they can operate. (I have a blood clotting disorder so I have to take blood thinner injections when I am pregnant)

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. It was a complete surprise and when I found out I just wanted to wait and see if this one would stick. Only my parents knew about this pregnancy and a few close friends. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks 3 days. Today I went back for a routine follow up ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days and found out the baby died a week and ½ ago. So this is my 6th miscarriage and my 2nd missed miscarriage as I didn’t have any symptoms to indicate anything was wrong. (and I still don’t) I should know more on Monday when they are going to schedule me for surgery. In the meantime there is no reason I can’t work next week so I am going to. Plus it will help me keep my mind off of things. It will be business as usual with the exception of the day I have surgery. This will be my 3rd D&C so I pretty much know what to expect afterwards. So tired of this crap. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can’t carry at least one to term?

I just don't understand why this keeps happening. 6 pregnancies 0 live births. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can't keep them. It’s so unfair :( I'm so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I'm nauseous right now too. That's one of the worst parts. I still feel pregnant and the baby has been dead for almost 2 weeks :( It such a horrible feeling. I'm so tired of letting my husband and my parents down. I really want Kayla to have a sibling someday. The thing that also sucks is that my EDD was Mother's Day :(

I'm so angry right now. Will I ever get to buy maternity clothes? Will I ever get to have the bulging belly? Will I ever get out of the first trimester and get to do those exciting 3D ultrasounds?

Thank God I have Kayla. Having her makes it much easier. She is my saving grace. My miracle baby. I love her so much. I am so happy she was brought into our lives.

Lisa
Mommy to Kayla Sophia & 6 angels

Ultrasound Picture from 9-18-09 with heartbeat of 132 BPM

HCG #1 150
HCG #2 390

We are finally Parents!!

2009-07-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

View our Adoption Journey to read about our amazing experience and our daughter Kayla!
Link:
http://lisaandwestonadoption.blogspot.com/

Miscarriage #5- April 14th 2009

2009-06-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Miscarriage #5

April 14, 2009 (Chemical Pregnancy)

I had no idea I was pregnant this time until I started feeling nauseous and decided to take a test. At that time I was already having complications so I knew it was a no go but still went in for the blood work. Here were the HCG numbers at each blood draw:

HCG#1: 65

HCG#2: 24

HCG#3: under 5 (which means negative)

HCG

The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.

*Key things to remember about hCG levels:
In about 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.

Some of you may not understand what a Chemical Pregnancy is so here is more of an explanation:

What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have tested. Then I would have never known but I guess I still thought there was a chance.

I Miss You

2009-06-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

This song by Avril Lavigne puts into words exactly how much I miss my 5 angels:

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.