11-11-11

Today I am filled with anxiety.  Each day seems to pass even slower than the rest.  I'm in a cranky mood today.  I just want to get through this first trimester.  Some parts of the day I feel good.  Confident.  Calm.  But then other parts ofthe day I am scared beyond belief at the slightest cramp.  I'm analyizing each piece of toilet paper.  I'm driving myself insane.  I know this is a combinationof many things.  The anxiety of being pregnant again after multiple miscarriages, my hormones fluctuating all over the place, and coming off of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I long for a simpler time

Written 11-10-11

I finally had a decent night sleep last night. Wasn't the best but much better than the nights prior. I should have just gone to AcuHealth in the first place. What a 180 from the day prior! I will always go with my gut from now on. When I got there to see Robert he had me lay on a massage chair, gave me a neck rub to loosen the tension, put the needles in, heat lamp on my feet, a cover for my eyes, and an ipod to listen to with music and guided meditation. Afterwards I was given another neck massage and tea. I can't wait to go back next week :)

He said it was very egotistical of the other acupuncturist to make such statements based on the appearance of my tongue and it is very old school. Robert believes in working with Western Medicine and he has seen great results with the lipid treatment I did last Sat.

Major Anxiety! (written 11/8/11)

6am: I am having the worst anxiety ever. I can't sleep at night and don't even take naps during the day like i used to. I know this anxiety and stress isn't good for the baby and I need to stop. I think I should go back to acupuncture. What are your thoughts on acupuncture and herbs? I am going to call my doc today and ask him what he thinks because I don't want anything to interfere with his treatment plan but I need to find some peace and decent sleep I'm so scared I don't know what to do. Do I go back to my latest acupuncturist? Do I try someone new? ugh I'm so torn right now. I just want to make sure I do the right thing for this baby and help him/her survive and make it into this world. I just feel so helpless and want to cry

8:45a: I just talked to the nurse at my doc office and he said acupuncture is totally fine but he wants me to stay away from the herbs so I am going today at 10 for my acupuncture appt. Sorry for all of the ranting. I'm just a ball of nerves
so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

11:52a: so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

He saw me in tears when he came back to take the needles out and said he would try his hardest and that I need to come in twice a week until the 4th month. I'm so exhausted and feel like throwing my hands up in the air right now. I can only do so much down here. It's in God's hands. I just pray he lets me keep this one.

Pregnancy Number 9 (written on 11/6/11)

Yep it's hard to believe that this is Pregnancy number 9 for me! I found out Thursday that my blood work came back at 967!!! I was on CD 31 that day. The very next day was hectic. I had to go in for a culture to make sure I didn't have any infections. Those tests still haven't come back but he decided to put me on antibiotics just in case because he feels that could be contributing to my losses. He then told me about this Lipid IV treatment he has been using with great success. When his patients have been unable to get pregnant he uses this treatment and within months they are pregnant. He has also been using this with his recurrent miscarriage patients and it has helped them carry to term. Of course I saif I was on board. We both agreed that this pregnancy we are pulling out all of the stops.

So I ran all over creation getting prescriptions filled. I picked up my IV bag full of Lipid for the treatment the next day. Saturday morning I woke up early to drop Kayla off at my parents since my husband had to work. I went back to the Fertility and Miscarriage Clinic and they set me up with the IV and I played with the iPad until the bag finished draining into my arm. It didn't hurt and I felt fine until......I went ot get my second round of HCG betas drawn. As they were drawing my blood I noticed it was coming out slow. (Dr. C was checking some other tests as well so I had to fill 6 vials this time) The phlebotomist must have picked a weak vein because I started to get very faint and dizzy. I was sweating, my ears felt plugged, and I was seeing stars. I told him right away and he took out the needle and had me rest a while. I am very surprised I didn't black out. I've only had that reaction once before back in 2003 when I was getting blood drawn on an empty stomach. What an awful feeling it was!

After I regained my barrings we finished filling up the vials and I was on my way back to my parent's house. I anxiously waited all day to hear what my second set of numbers were. I even called the office and left a message on the off chance someone happened to check it over the weekend. At 3:30pm doc called me and said things looked good. My number was 1987! (it more than doubled)

Breaking My Silence......

You may have noticed I have been kind quiet on here since October.  I've been writing a lot of posts but not publishing them until I felt secure enough to say something.  I still feel a little scared in sharing this news but...... here goes.....  I'M 15 WEEKS PREGNANT!

The following posts are ones I wrote throughout this whole journey thus so far.  I still have to post ultrasound pics. (I've had 8, yes 8 ultrasounds!)  It's been a stressful few months but I'm still here trudging along. I think I am am still in shock! 

If I'm friends with you on FB please wait until I make my announcement there to comment on my wall- Thanks!

2012

Well- it's 2012.  A brand New Year.  I've already broken 2 of my New Years Resolutions.  :(
1. to stay off the Internet medical websites (I always look things up and freak myself out)  I hate that I am such a researcher!
2. cursing (I got upset with myself for breaking resolution #1 and I am pretty sure I let the f-bomb slip a few times).

But- Today is a New Day.  New Years Resolutions are back in full effect and I am determined to stick with them.  So- starting today, Jan 2, 2012 I......

1. Will stay off Internet Medical Websites
2. Will not curse

#3 is actually my #1 New Years Resolution- To trust that God has me exactly where He wants me to be at this exact moment. I only have control over so much and I need to trust Him.  Easier said than done I know but I really need to focus on this one. 

This time of year is always a tough one for me.  The excitement of the holidays are gone and now we wait.  Wait for Valentine's Day, wait for Spring.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect,  the sun is shinning, the flowers are blooming, and it's K's birthday.  I look forward to planning her birthday parties every year.  They always happen on the brightest, sunniest days.  She is my saving grace.  Our miracle baby.  I often wonder where would I be without her? 

I look at 2012 as a new beginning and pray that it is a year filled with miracles and much happiness for all.  

Whenever I Feel Down I Must Remember I am Blessed

Whenever I feel down about my pregnancy losses, see all of those pregnant women out there, or hear of another birth announcement I must remember how blessed I truly am.  In fact, lately when I feel sad about this whole roller coaster of a journey we've been on I stare at our most recent family picture and it brings happiness to my heart.

To think that at this exact time in 2008 I was childless and heartbroken over our multiple pregnancy losses and thought I would never be a mom truly is amazing.   Look where we are today! Last night my 2 1/2 year old daughter Kayla whispered to me the most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life, "I love you mommy."  She has no idea how much that little sentence meant to me. 

A friend of mine said it perfectly "God works in mysterious ways." He really does and I still believe we will have our family of 4. 

Currently we are playing the waiting game again.  I have to do my booster HCG trigger on Sunday and then wait 11 days to test.  Praying for a BFP. (Big Fat Positive)