A dream is a wish your heart makes.....

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." -Cinderella

Today I watched Cinderella with my 7 month old baby girl and for the first time in years I actually listened to the words in this song. I never realized how much this song spoke to me with all that I have been through with my pregnancy losses and my journey to motherhood. My dream of becoming a mother has come true which I am truly thankful for. Kayla is my little miracle and I look at her in awe every single day. If we have to adopt again to get #2 I am more than willing. I love her as if I carried her for 9 months. I only wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is.

Last week I had my follow up from the 6th pregnancy loss. Now the doc is saying that he thinks IVF or IVF with donors eggs isn't really an option because all it would do is get me pregnant faster and not guarantee a live birth. Since I have been able to get pregnant on my own in the past fairly quickly he thinks I should just keep trying until one sticks if I am up for it. I really wish someone would say, "here is the problem, and this is how we will fix it" but I know I will probably never hear that sentence.

There is just still something inside me that dreams I will have a successful pregnancy and carry to term one day. Am I crazy because I still believe it is going to happen? Maybe so.

In the meantime I will keep on believing.

No Answers

Well, the Dr. is still following my HCG levels from this last pregnancy.

Monday 10-5-09 it was in the 1000's

Monday 10-12 it was 101

Monday 10-19 it was 16

So I still have to go back again. They couldn't get anything to grow from the tissue I brought in so we don't have any answers on baby #6. :( I feel so depressed right now. Maybe it is better that I don't know the sex of the baby and whether it was normal or abnormal. I have a follow up appt on the 6th. We will see what they say.

I HATE THIS! I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’m so frustrated. I just want to carry 1 baby to term and give birth to a healthy baby. Just 1. That is all I want. I love being a mom and love Kayla so much. She truly is my miracle baby and the light of my life. I am so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. Adoption has been a blessing for all of us.

I just wish I didn't want this so badly. I just can't imagine never giving birth in this lifetime. I have always wanted an adopted child and a biological child. I want to have this experience, to have a successful pregnancy, carry to term, give birth, and give Kayla a sibling.

(sigh) maybe someday

Miscarriage #6-Update

I won't need to get a D&C after all. I miscarried here at the house on Saturday and went in today to bring in the tissue to be tested and had an u/s to make sure my uterus was clear of the pregnancy. It's just so hard to believe. Just 2 weeks ago I saw a healthy heartbeat and the doc said everything looked text book.

I guess I wasn't all that shocked when he told me on Friday that the baby had died. After going through this so many times I think I just become numb and try not to get attached because it always ends the same. They think that this baby will come back chromosomally abnormal do to my egg quality and my elevated FSH but I'm just not so sure. The results came back as a normal boy that last time we saw a heartbeat with my 3rd loss. Guess we will see what the tests say about this one. Hopefully they can get some info from what I brought in.

It's weird but physically the losses get easier. This one wasn't as painful as the 4th one I did naturally and that one wasn't as bad as my very first loss back in 2006. Emotionally of course it gets harder but I will say that having Kayla here makes this one easier to handle. It's just so depressing. I feel like when I walk in the office I'm "the girl who has had 6 losses." It sucks.

But despite all of these losses I somehow feel I have more tries in me. Is that weird? I just have this feeling that I will carry to term one day if I keep trying. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. I remember saying after my 3rd loss that I would keep trying until I got my keeper. Here I am 3 more losses later and I somehow still feel the same way.

For now I am taking time to recover. I'm focusing on this wonderful baby girl I have been blessed with and going to enjoy celebrating all of her first holidays. I've wanted to do that for so long. She truly is my miracle baby. The love of my life. (besides my hubby of course)

It's funny, my friends give me crap for having the Baby On Board magnet on my car but you know what? I don't care. I just come back with, "hey-I've waited almost 4 years and been through hell to have that on my car. I think I've earned it, I'm proud to have it on my car." I really could care less what they think. To me it is my bragging right.

Miscarriage #6-October 2nd 2009

Miscarriage #6
October 2nd, 2009 (Missed Miscarriage)

Next week I am going to have to be out for a day for surgery. I found out today I am having my 6th miscarriage and they are going to do a D&C sometime next week but we aren’t sure when. They have to wait for the Lovenox to get out of my system before they can operate. (I have a blood clotting disorder so I have to take blood thinner injections when I am pregnant)

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. It was a complete surprise and when I found out I just wanted to wait and see if this one would stick. Only my parents knew about this pregnancy and a few close friends. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks 3 days. Today I went back for a routine follow up ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days and found out the baby died a week and ½ ago. So this is my 6th miscarriage and my 2nd missed miscarriage as I didn’t have any symptoms to indicate anything was wrong. (and I still don’t) I should know more on Monday when they are going to schedule me for surgery. In the meantime there is no reason I can’t work next week so I am going to. Plus it will help me keep my mind off of things. It will be business as usual with the exception of the day I have surgery. This will be my 3rd D&C so I pretty much know what to expect afterwards. So tired of this crap. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can’t carry at least one to term?

I just don't understand why this keeps happening. 6 pregnancies 0 live births. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can't keep them. It’s so unfair :( I'm so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I'm nauseous right now too. That's one of the worst parts. I still feel pregnant and the baby has been dead for almost 2 weeks :( It such a horrible feeling. I'm so tired of letting my husband and my parents down. I really want Kayla to have a sibling someday. The thing that also sucks is that my EDD was Mother's Day :(

I'm so angry right now. Will I ever get to buy maternity clothes? Will I ever get to have the bulging belly? Will I ever get out of the first trimester and get to do those exciting 3D ultrasounds?

Thank God I have Kayla. Having her makes it much easier. She is my saving grace. My miracle baby. I love her so much. I am so happy she was brought into our lives.


Lisa
Mommy to Kayla Sophia & 6 angels

Ultrasound Picture from 9-18-09 with heartbeat of 132 BPM

HCG #1 150
HCG #2 390

We are finally Parents!!

View our Adoption Journey to read about our amazing experience and our daughter Kayla!
Link:
http://lisaandwestonadoption.blogspot.com/

Miscarriage #5- April 14th 2009

Miscarriage #5

April 14, 2009 (Chemical Pregnancy)

I had no idea I was pregnant this time until I started feeling nauseous and decided to take a test. At that time I was already having complications so I knew it was a no go but still went in for the blood work. Here were the HCG numbers at each blood draw:

HCG#1: 65

HCG#2: 24

HCG#3: under 5 (which means negative)

HCG

The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.

*Key things to remember about hCG levels:
In about 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.

Some of you may not understand what a Chemical Pregnancy is so here is more of an explanation:

What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have tested. Then I would have never known but I guess I still thought there was a chance.

I Miss You

This song by Avril Lavigne puts into words exactly how much I miss my 5 angels:

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.