Feeling Conflicted

Tonight I got home and there was a packet from the adoption agency we used back in 2009 to adopt our daughter.  They are offering us an amazing deal to sign on with them again (by march 20th) to bring home another baby.  I want this sooooo bad!  But I know my hubby is going to say no.  I have this burning desire to have a newborn again and I'm so burnt out on trying this on my own.  Am I just thinking about giving up too soon?

As I sit here at the computer I feel like crying.  I've thought about how to approach my husband about this.  I have even thought about telling him I will give up acupuncture (which would save us $400-$500 a month) buying the wheat grass shots, spending the money on progesterone cream and vitamins, staying in this house I hate as long as he wants, and giving up TTC (trying to conceive) thing altogether.  But then a part of me wonders, Am I giving up on myself too soon?  Or is 8 miscarriages enough?  Where is my breaking point?  Will this offer from our agency come around again in a year or 2 after I've tried carrying to term with acupuncture?  Ugh I just wish I was rich. If I was I would sign back on with my adoption agency AND keep trying for my keeper.

I feel so lost.  I want to have at least 2 children (always wanted 3) and I of course would love to carry a pregnancy to term and do it myself but this opportunity to adopt and bring home another baby in 2011 is here.  I envy those celebrities who can pay for whatever they want sometimes.

My whole plan for 2011 was this:

1. Continue acupuncture (which I have been doing since May of 2010)
2. take wheat grass daily
3. take B12, B6, folic acid, Fish Oil, etc everyday
4. Get pregnant and get to the point of seeing a heartbeat and see if acupuncture can sustain the pregnancy all the way through.

If the above didn't work I wanted to adopt #2 or try a different fertility route.

But now this opportunity has presented itself and it is tugging at my heart strings.

I just want to cry.  Why can't having a baby be easier :'(

BTW month #2 of trying and it was another BFN (Big Fat Negative)

Miscarriage #8

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy).  I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it.  At first I had wavering feelings.  How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster?  But then I thought, "I can't go out like this!  It wasn't even planned!"  I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for.  One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is.  Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one.  At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward. 

See ya 2010!  Can't say I will miss you all that much.  It's been a rough year.