False Postive! Back to Trying Again this month!

I am soooo relieved!!!  I did have a false positive from the trigger shot.  My blood test was negative so we can resume trying this next cycle.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to get a negative in my life!  I just didn't want to have to keep going back for blood draws and have to deal with the emotional roller coaster all week.  I didn't want to find out that this was another chemical pregnancy and all the treatments we have done were a waste.

This whole thing really did make me think about what about lies head.  Am I ready for another pregnancy?  I don't know.  I do have a new restored sense of hope that maybe..... just maybe.... the viral protocol and bee sting will work next time around.  I am NEVER testing early like I did yesterday.   Not even 1 day before my blood draw.  I totally sent myself into panic and depression mode for about 24 hours.

Back to tracking this cycle, hoping, and praying. 

False Positive or the Real Deal? Guess We Will Find Out Today

Yesterday I broke down and took an HPT test.  It was positive.  Of course I was excited.  But last night the spotting started and into this morning.   I pray that I just tested too early and this is a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  I go for blood work today at 9am. 

This morning I finally broke down in tears and came to the realization that maybe this just isn't going to happen for me.  Maybe I'm meant to be an adoptive mother and not give birth to any children myself.  Maybe God put me on this earth to do just that.  I never really thought I couldn't do this.....  until this morning.  How many more times can I put myself and my husband through this?  We are going on almost 6 years and 8 maybe 9 miscarriages.  I am so thankful Kayla is too young to understand what is going on but I know one day she will ask me why she doesn't have a brother or sister.

It just breaks my heart to not be able to experience the joys of pregnancy and giving birth.  I feel like I'm robbing my husband and my parents of this amazing experience.  In short, I feel like a failure.  My husband can reassure me that I'm not but that still doesn't change the way I feel. 

So today I'm praying I just tested too early and it was a false positive.  I'm praying that this is just Aunt Flow showing me her ugly face this month.  If it is another chemical pregnancy then everything we've been through with the viral protocol and bee sting has been a waste.

Today, as I was getting Kayla ready for daycare I was reminded just how lucky I am.  I spent extra time with her this morning helping her get ready for school (a.k.a daycare).   She is so amazing.  I honestly don't know where I would be without her. (probably in the loony bin!).