"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

-UNKNOWN

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss.  She got me thinking about a lot of things.  How I can feel 2 different things at the same time.  Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant.  It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too.  The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time.  She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings.  I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest .  I go again in 2 weeks.  I really liked her office.  In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them.  The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it. 

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more.  I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't.  I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture.  Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too.  Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.



I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

Feeling kind of lost right now.  Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now.  When are things going to get easier?  Will they ever?  Life is so frustrating sometimes. 

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ?  Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.  Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much.  I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

 Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday.  (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone.  I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

• October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
• October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
• October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon.  Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my  supportive friends.  It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.
   
Thank You!

Feeling Depressed

 I’m feeling really depressed right now. I’ve been super sick with first a sore throat, then pink eye, and now an ear infection. My ear has been clogged for over a week now. I am so miserable living in our old house.  (we short sold our other home due to the real estate crash in Phoenix but moved back into our rental property downtown that we lived in when we were first married.)  I miss my old neighborhood and my old house with my beautiful backyard and amazing kitchen. It’s been a hard adjustment. I know I know I am probably just being a spoiled brat but I am so unhappy.


Another reason I am so depressed is everyone is having their babies now. On facebook it is like baby overload. I want it so badly. I LOVE Kayla with all my heart but I want to post pregnant belly pics like everyone else. I want that pic of me in the hospital bed with Kayla and my hubby holding the new baby I just gave birth to.  I miss when K was an infant.  This toddler stage is a blast and I am having so much fun but I still feel like there is a little one missing. Does that make sense? My life feels so incomplete since I haven’t carried a pregnancy to term like everyone else around me. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I had to hang out with my friend yesterday and she is 38 weeks pregnant with number 2. I’m so jealous of her belly.

Then to top it all off I was watching Desperate Housewives last night and almost the whole show was about Lynette’s baby and she was so cute and cuddly. I want that again and again and again. Maybe I’m just going through a depressed mood because October is when I lost both of the babies that had heartbeats. Maybe my body remembers that subconsciously every year and it pulls me into a tailspin of depression. I just don’t know.  I feel like the only way I am going to have another baby is if I can do it through my own body because my hubby doesn’t seem to want to pursue another adoption anytime soon. I wish I could just let this go and be happy with what I have.   I love my daughter as if I carried her for 9 months but I still feel like I'm missing out on a wonderful amazing experience.  I love being a mommy and I am so ready for number 2. 

Sorry for my downer post.  I know I am blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, a roof over my head and a job.  I guess I just want more.

It's a Crazy Busy Life!

I know it has been awhile since I have written on this blog.  Life has been soooo busy.I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions all at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I have been dealing with some medical drama and and we also moved to our other property downtown which has been very stressful. We are in the process of selling our other house and it is taking forever given the Phoenix housing climate. On top of that, work has been kicking my butt!!I seriously just need a break a vacation or something! 


On to the medical drama. I have been having burning and tingling for the past month throughout my body. In fact as I type this my palms are burning and itching. I checked online and totally freaked myself out because I saw that they were symptoms of MS. I was convinced I had it. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac) I even went to the ER one morning my palms were so burning so bad. They literally felt like they were on fire but when I looked at them they didn't look red or any different. The ER did a CT scan and everything looked fine. Said it was anxiety. Then I went to my doc and asked him to order an MRI. That came back normal. Bloodwork was normal too. So now I am at a loss. Maybe it is just stress and anxiety?A lot of changes have been going on in my life so that could be it. I am now taking klonopin at night to help me sleep better and also help with anxiety.

Dr. Yau, my acupuncturist, said it wasn’t anything serious. He said he can tell by your pulse and your tongue if you have a serious illness or not and that I was an easy fix. I sure hope he is right! He said I was holding in too much heat in my body and has been treating me for anxiety, heat, and hormone imbalance.  Something about having too much yin and not enough yang? Dr. Yau said we could probably start trying again in 2 months but I think we are going to wait until Jan 2011 to start again. Why add more stress to the holidays you know?

We had our family camping trip this past weekend. I'm not much of a camper but it was pretty fun. We took K to her first Cardinals Football game 2 weekends ago as well. She is talking up a storm and has used the potty twice so far! I can't believe she will be 18 months next week!  I have to admit.  I LOVE being a mama.I just really want the entire pregnancy experience as well. I am so in love with Kayla. She is such a miracle I still can’t believe she is ours!!

I was watching an old Grey's Anatomy episode last week and it got me thinking.  Why, when we are so young, are we in such a hurry to grow up?  I miss those days where my biggest worry was which friend should I invite over after school or what if I don't find that perfect dress for the dance.  Now life is filled with all sorts of worries.  Health, financial, fertilty, etc.  Sometimes I wish I could just be 18 months again.  Wake up, play all day, eat, and take naps.  Maybe if I had known then what I know now, I would have appreciated it more. 

K with her cousin

 Family pic at our camping trip

 At the Cardinals Football Game!

Miracles do happen- just not the way we always imagined they would

Today I have been feeling depressed.  I don't know why.  I just feel sad and blah.  Maybe it is the numerous pregnancy announcements that keep coming my way.   I was sending the link to my adoption blog to a friend and as I scrolled through it I came across my posting from July 9th 2009.  I read through it and it brought me to tears but these were tears of joy and happiness.  It made me realize how lucky I truly am.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing little girl in my life. Whenever I am feeling down I just need to go back an re-read about the day we first met our beautiful daughter and know that miracles do happen just not the way we always imagined they would.

Below is the link but I also copied and pasted it below.  Unfortunately the pictures didn't come over with the pasting of the post but that's okay.

http://lisaandwestonadoption.blogspot.com/2009/07/dreams-do-come-true-prayers-are.html

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered!



WE ARE PARENTS!!!! I think I am still in shock!!


Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I am still adjusting to motherhood and Kayla is having tons of visitors every day.


Here is our Adoption Story:


We received a call from Lifetime Adoptions on June 24th that a birthmother had reviewed 9 profiles and wanted only us for her 2 1/2 month old baby girl Sophia. We were elated! We didn't have to wait for her to decide between 2 or 3 families. She only wanted us which was amazing!

Thursday June 25th the birthmother and I talked and we reported back to Lifetime that we both wanted to move forward. We had arranged for her to call back at 5:30pm so she could talk to my husband. I had forwarded our adoption 800# to my phone and headed down to my husband's office since he was working late and we waited and waited. No call :( We were heartbroken. The agency kept calling her and there was no response. We were sure she had changed her mind. So many emotions went through my head. "Did I say something wrong on the phone call?" I kept going over the conversation in my head and couldn't find anything I might have said to offend her. We decided to go get some dinner that night and I was so distraught, How could I be going through another type of loss again? This just wasn't fair. We were so close. Then little signs kept coming around me. I was walking around the shops near my husband's office and looked through the window of a souvenir shop. There they had personalized AZ license plates with names on it. There was a man looking at them and when he turned the spinning display the name Sophia faced directly toward me. Was this God's way of telling me this was going to work out? I'll admit, there was a little glimmer of hope still there in my heart but I have had that hope before and had my heart broken with my previous pregnancy losses so I tried not to look to much into it.


As everyone knows, June 25th was the day Michael Jackson died so there was a ton of coverage all over the television. I was at home watching a report on his death when they showed a girl dancing like Michael in front of the Apollo Theater. The announcer said, "and that was Sophie dancing like Michael Jackson." I immediately looked up and thought, "hmm that was weird."


I am a big believer that things happen in 3's so I thought, Okay- that is 2, am I going to get one more sign?" Then a Gerber baby commercial came on. It was a stretch but I counted it as sign #3 anyways.


Friday passed- still no word. Saturday passed- still no word. I was such an emotional wreck. The only thing that made me feel better was babysitting my almost 1 year old nephew. It's so weird but he is my saving grace. Whenever I am down I can just be around him and he lifts my spirits.


Sunday my husband took me to see a funny movie to get my mind off of things. It definitely helped brighten my mood. Then, it happened. SHE CALLED!! She apologized and said she had left for a trip to see her sister and forgotten her phone and that she hadn't changed her mind. She still wanted to move forward. We couldn't believe it.


That whole next week I was on the phone with attorneys and social workers. We found out Wed July 1st that the adoption would take place on July 6th and that we had to fly to Reno. We immediately bought our plane tickets and booked our hotel room. Needless to say I did not sleep well at all that week. I was excited, scared, anxious. I just wanted to go and pick up our baby at that moment.


Friday we went to Target and bought the car seat and stroller. I was so nervous. I felt like we shouldn't be there buying these things yet but my husband wanted to get the basic essentials we needed before we got to Reno so we wouldn't be rushing around.


Saturday was July 4th. I wanted to tell everyone so badly but we knew we had to wait until it was final. It’s kind of like when you are pregnant and don’t tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. You don’t want to announce it too early in case it doesn’t work out.


Sunday we hopped on a plane to Reno. The birthmother text me and told me she didn’t have a ride so we offered to pick her and the baby up for the Monday morning appointment., I was happy about this because one of my biggest fears was that she wouldn’t show up to the signing. Now we were picking her up so that wouldn’t be an issues.


That night my husband and I didn’t sleep. We were so filled with anxiety and anxious about the events that were to happen Monday morning.


The next morning we picked up the birthmother and the baby and I immediately fell in love. That little girl was so amazingly beautiful. We went to the social worker’s office and the signing began. Once all was said and done the time came for our birthmother to say goodbye to the baby. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. What a brave woman she is. I admire her strength and her trust in Weston and I to raise her birth daughter. She kept telling us she knew she was doing the right thing and that we could give her baby the kind of life she wouldn’t be able to provide for her. I asked her if she would like some time alone with the baby before we left and she said no. We dropped her off at her sister’s apartment. The 3 of us just hugged and tightly and said our goodbyes.


Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered. I love this little girl as if I carried her for 9 months. Our love for Kayla is more than we could have ever imagined and we feel so blessed and lucky to have her in our lives. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but it is amazing when you look back at your journey and realize why certain things happened the way they did. Losing my job back in October happened for a reason. We were supposed to meet this little girl at the exact time we did. It was all part of a big plan that we had no control over.


Today I look at Kayla in awe. I can't believe after 3 1/2 years and 5 pregnancy losses I am finally a mommy! My husband is finally a daddy, my parents are finally grandparents, my brother is finally an uncle. This is what I have prayed for every night and the time is finally here!


For anyone out there struggling with attaining a dream my advice to you is to keep pushing forward. Randy Pausch said it perfectly. “Brick walls are there for a reason. They help us prove how badly we want something.” My husband and I sure faced a lot of brick walls but we made it!

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone.

But, still miraculously, my own.

Never forget, for a single minute

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

-UNKNOWN

My daughter Kayla and I at Lake Tahoe July 8th 2009