The Ones I've Never Met

The Ones I've Never Met

What do you do when you feel so alone? Who do you turn to when no one picks up the phone?

When people are tired of hearing your cries

and listening to the same stories about your millions of good-byes.

When people think you 're crazy for wanting this so bad. They can't possibly understand what it feels like to yearn for that experience everyone else has had.

To go through this life and not give birth seems so unreal
I'm a woman, I was born to do this, to procreate, that's how I feel. 

For so many it seems to come so easily,

Why can't one of those lucky people be me?

When I look in the mirror I wonder if I will ever see

myself rubbing my belly and feeling my precious baby.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney movie,

where every one's dreams come true and they all live happily.

The loss is so deep. I can't let it go.

I think about them everyday more than anyone can know.

8 pregnancies lost how could it be?

Will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be free?

The pain is so hard I sometimes wish I could forget

The 8 babies I've lost

the ones I have never met.

-Lisa Watson

3/24/11

*I feel like I have to say this because after I wrote this poem I felt guilty.  My desire to give birth to a baby is no reflection of my love for my daughter Kayla.  SHE IS MY WORLD.  I wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is and say I carried her myself.  I wish I could tell her about the day she was born and show her pictures of her and I just minutes after her birth but I can't.  I met my amazing daughter on July 6th 2009 when she was almost 3 months old. She is a true miracle and my world would be so empty without her. 

Kayla- I love you more than you could possibly imagine. 

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.



I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.