Ugh! Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!

Ugh!  Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!  One of Kayla's teachers announced she is expecting today.  I had a feeling she was pregnant because she was kind of starting to show but I couldn't be sure if it was  the beginning of a baby belly or what.  I told her congratulations and went on my way.  Then as I was walking out of the daycare what do I see?  A very pregnant woman dropping her toddler off.  Everywhere i turn I swear they are there!  LOL 

I need to get over this.  I'm tired of my pity parties!  There will always be pregnant women everywhere I go.  Maybe I should just force myself to be around them for an entire week straight.  Maybe then I won't feel this huge pit in my stomach when I see them.  I wish pregnancy wasn't such a negative experience for me.  I always thought I would love being pregnant but now it feels like a slap in the face every time I cross a pregnant woman's path.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to be excited and happy for them but it's so hard when I have lost 8 pregnancies and have never had a positive outcome.

Today is CD 2 (Cycle Day 2).   Let the countdown to the surge and HCG trigger shot begin.......

The Ones I've Never Met

The Ones I've Never Met

What do you do when you feel so alone? Who do you turn to when no one picks up the phone?

When people are tired of hearing your cries

and listening to the same stories about your millions of good-byes.

When people think you 're crazy for wanting this so bad. They can't possibly understand what it feels like to yearn for that experience everyone else has had.

To go through this life and not give birth seems so unreal
I'm a woman, I was born to do this, to procreate, that's how I feel. 

For so many it seems to come so easily,

Why can't one of those lucky people be me?

When I look in the mirror I wonder if I will ever see

myself rubbing my belly and feeling my precious baby.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney movie,

where every one's dreams come true and they all live happily.

The loss is so deep. I can't let it go.

I think about them everyday more than anyone can know.

8 pregnancies lost how could it be?

Will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be free?

The pain is so hard I sometimes wish I could forget

The 8 babies I've lost

the ones I have never met.

-Lisa Watson

3/24/11

*I feel like I have to say this because after I wrote this poem I felt guilty.  My desire to give birth to a baby is no reflection of my love for my daughter Kayla.  SHE IS MY WORLD.  I wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is and say I carried her myself.  I wish I could tell her about the day she was born and show her pictures of her and I just minutes after her birth but I can't.  I met my amazing daughter on July 6th 2009 when she was almost 3 months old. She is a true miracle and my world would be so empty without her. 

Kayla- I love you more than you could possibly imagine.