Feeling down right now.

I tried posting this early this morning but it wouldn't post for some reason:Feeling down right now. It's 1:41am and I went to the bathroom tonight and noticed a brown tinge color on the toilet paper. I can’t sleep. Maybe I should be using the other progesterone and not the OTC one. Ugh. I’m so tired of this. I just want to cry right now. I really need to stop getting my hopes up about this one. I know brown means old blood but I’ve been here before. I just want to throw up. I just want to be a normal pregnant woman. I want to be pregnant and know 9 months later I will be giving birth to a baby. Why won't my body do this? I will hear about my 2nd blood draw tomorrow. I know there is nothing I can do but wait.


UPDATE (1:37pm 5-5-10)
Still waiting to hear about my second blood draw from the doc. I had a very sleepless night and a morning full of tears and crying. I know I always said I would keep trying until one sticks but I just don't know how much more I can take. Still feeling mild cramping and lower back pain. I just want to know where I stand. I've called the nurses line 3 times and left messages. This is so frustrating!

Pregnancy #7

Friday I found out I'm pregnant again. Took a test and got a faint positive so I ran to the store and bought a digital to make sure it was accurate. Sure enough within 3 min the + Yes sign appeared in the window. I went and got blood work done that same day and my first HCG was 59. Since the labs were closed on Sunday I have to wait until tomorrow, Tuesday, to get my second blood draw so they can see if the numbers doubled twice. The nurse said 59 was a good number to start with. I got the surge on CD 10 and tested on CD 26 so I was just barely pregnant.

It's hard to believe this is pregnancy #7. I'm having a lot of anxiety this time around. More so than I have ever had. I'm trying to remain hopeful and believe that this will be Lucky #7. I started my Lovenox injections on Friday as soon as I found out and am doing the usual folic acid 3x a day, 1 baby aspirin, DHA prenatals, and topical progesterone cream twice a day. (I decided to not go with the prescription form this time around since I have used it for pregnancies 3 thru 6 and still had the same result in the end). This time I have been doing Arbonne Prolief Natural Balancing Cream during the last 1/2 of my cycle for the past 3 months so I am just going to continue on with that and see if that helps.

I'm trying to take a different approach this time around. With my past 6 pregnancies I have been very secretive and not told many people. This time around I guess my husband and I are past the whole superstition and jinxing thing since keeping it a secret hasn't changed anything.

So now it is a waiting game again. I pray to God that this is our sticky bean and we can finally carry a pregnancy to term.

Before I Was A Mom

Mother's Day is coming up soon. I've been feeling a little emotional. My due date for the last pregnancy is Mother's Day and one of my co-workers is due any day now to have her baby and our due dates were 3 days apart. So May 9th is a bitter sweet day for me. On one hand it will be my first Mother's Day as a mom but also the day I should be giving birth to baby number 6. So hopefully I'm not an emotional wreck that day.

A friend sent this to me today in an email and it brought me to tears. I am so happy to be a mommy.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

-UNKNOWN

The Today Show Segment 4-1-10 Coping with Infertility and Miscarriage

I had tears in my eyes when I saw this segment on The Today Show. Although I am technically "resolved" and am a mother now I still feel the effects that infertility and multiple pregnancy losses has had on my life. I still hold that dream of carrying a pregnancy to term myself and long to have the experience of giving birth. Everything in this segment rang true to my heart. From giving myself shots, to the emotional roller coaster, to receiving birth announcements in the mail, to lost friendships along the way. It does bring some comfort to me that the media has taken a strong stance in making infertility and miscarriage known in the US. Not everyone gets married and has a baby so easily. I wish people would understand that. This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life and sometimes those around me don't understand how devastating it is to lose not 1 baby, not 2, but 6 babies. I have been told that I should just "get over it" already. Although I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter in my life and am finally a mom I will never forget those 6 babies that never made it to this earth.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...

"It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...we can't erase what was meant to be" -UNKNOWN

This is a very tough quote for me because it is so hard for me to let go of my past losses. I understand what it is saying but I still find it hard to believe that I was meant to lose 6 pregnancies.

I can understand that I had my 5 losses so that I would be blessed with Kayla. I totally get that. If I hadn't experienced those 5 miscarriages Kayla would have never entered our lives and become our daughter. I can't imagine my life without Kayla. She is such a miracle.

What I don't understand is why my 6th pregnancy didn't survive. That was my chance to make Kayla a big sister and to finally carry a pregnancy to term. I guess hindsight is 20/20 and everything will unveil itself at the right time. I just wish and hope that is sooner rather than later.

It's Amazing What A Walk Through the Park Can Do

It's amazing what a walk through the park can do.
This past weekend I experienced the insensitivity of someone who takes pregnancy for granted. I won't go into the specifics because it really isn't worth repeating but the comment was crass and very inappropriate. The rest of the night I was a ball of emotions. I was angry one moment sad the next. I can't stand it when people take their pregnancy and ability to carry to term for granted like it's nothing. Don't they realize how lucky they are? Don't they realize I would trade places with them in a heartbeat?


I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and down about my infertility and pregnancy losses. I decided to take my nephew to the park since I was watching him. (my daughter was home with my husband taking a nap). I put him in the jogger and headed out to our neighborhood park. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, there were kids on the swings and families having picnics on the grass. It was a typical Spring day in Arizona. For some reason just being outside lifted my spirits immensely. It was nice to get out and pretend I was a kid again as I went down the slides with my nephew and pushed him on the swings. I felt free from all of the stress of family drama, multiple miscarriages, etc. Maybe I felt so good because I felt like our 3rd baby, our son Devon, was with us that day. He would have been just 2 months older than my nephew Carter. It really is amazing how getting out and being around people and children can actually help you feel better when you are down.


Tonight I had a good cry. A close friend of mine is pregnant again (unexpectedly) and I am happy for her but also sad because I really want that for myself. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. I want one of my pregnancies to have a happy ending like everyone else around me. I often ask myself, "what are they doing right that I'm not?" "Why don't I deserve to have a successful pregnancy?" 6 miscarriages in 4 years is unbelievable. I am so thankful for my daughter. I really truly am, but I just can't let go of the fact that I want to give her a little brother or sister and I want to do it myself through my own body. I wish I could let this go but I can't. I love being a mom so much I guess I just want more. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I thank God every night for our precious daughter Kayla. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life. But I also wish I could participate in those pregnancy conversations with other women around me. Talk about cravings and weight gain and how long I was in labor with Kayla for. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Why do I want the experience of pregnancy so badly? Maybe it is because I have only experienced the disappointment and heartbreaking side of pregnancy instead of the joys and happiness that those have experienced all around me.


This post started is kind of weird. I started writing it earlier today and I guess my emotions have done a 180. Just feeling kind of down right now. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The View, RESOLVE, & The Walk of Hope

I am so glad The View dedicated an entire show to Infertility and Multiple Miscarriages. Too many couples experience this heartbreaking journey. Please take some time to watch this 38 min episode.

To see segment go to the link below:
http://abc.go.com/watch/the-view/167365/252234/the-view-225


If you are going through the struggle to start your family please also consider joining RESOLVE- The National Infertility Association. They were a huge support system for me when I was "unresolved" and I met some amazing women with whom I am very close friends with still today.

RESOLVE Website:

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer

Join us for the Walk of Hope March 20th!

http://www.resolve.org/site/Calendar/540182735?view=Detail&id=35161

The Walk of Hope is held to give hope to those facing infertility and to celebrate those families formed through adoption and medical intervention. For 1 in 8 couples in the United States, the dream of creating a family is a long, emotional and expensive journey. Infertility is a devastating disease, touching every aspect of life - physical, emotional, spiritual and financial.
RESOLVE works to increase public awareness of the issues surrounding infertility and the various family-building options available to those facing this disease.