It's amazing what a walk through the park can do.
This past weekend I experienced the insensitivity of someone who takes pregnancy for granted. I won't go into the specifics because it really isn't worth repeating but the comment was crass and very inappropriate. The rest of the night I was a ball of emotions. I was angry one moment sad the next. I can't stand it when people take their pregnancy and ability to carry to term for granted like it's nothing. Don't they realize how lucky they are? Don't they realize I would trade places with them in a heartbeat?
I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and down about my infertility and pregnancy losses. I decided to take my nephew to the park since I was watching him. (my daughter was home with my husband taking a nap). I put him in the jogger and headed out to our neighborhood park. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, there were kids on the swings and families having picnics on the grass. It was a typical Spring day in Arizona. For some reason just being outside lifted my spirits immensely. It was nice to get out and pretend I was a kid again as I went down the slides with my nephew and pushed him on the swings. I felt free from all of the stress of family drama, multiple miscarriages, etc. Maybe I felt so good because I felt like our 3rd baby, our son Devon, was with us that day. He would have been just 2 months older than my nephew Carter. It really is amazing how getting out and being around people and children can actually help you feel better when you are down.
Tonight I had a good cry. A close friend of mine is pregnant again (unexpectedly) and I am happy for her but also sad because I really want that for myself. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. I want one of my pregnancies to have a happy ending like everyone else around me. I often ask myself, "what are they doing right that I'm not?" "Why don't I deserve to have a successful pregnancy?" 6 miscarriages in 4 years is unbelievable. I am so thankful for my daughter. I really truly am, but I just can't let go of the fact that I want to give her a little brother or sister and I want to do it myself through my own body. I wish I could let this go but I can't. I love being a mom so much I guess I just want more. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I thank God every night for our precious daughter Kayla. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life. But I also wish I could participate in those pregnancy conversations with other women around me. Talk about cravings and weight gain and how long I was in labor with Kayla for. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Why do I want the experience of pregnancy so badly? Maybe it is because I have only experienced the disappointment and heartbreaking side of pregnancy instead of the joys and happiness that those have experienced all around me.
This post started is kind of weird. I started writing it earlier today and I guess my emotions have done a 180. Just feeling kind of down right now. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Again he gave me two new packs of herbs to take for the week. They all look the same to me but he insists they are different each week. He said they are going to help strengthen my ovaries and help delay the aging process. Um, I'm only 30 years old. I didn't know I had to worry about the aging process yet but apparently the ovaries are the first to go and since Western Medicine says I have pre-mature ovarian failure I guess it is good I am doing this now right? Dr. Yau has so much faith in his practice and so many success stories I feel like I have to believe him. Problem is, I have been here before. I have been so incredibly hopeful in the past that it makes the losses that much more devastating when they happen despite the hard work and discipline I have put myself through. I follow all of the rules, I never miss an appt or a pill, or a shot, and still it ends the same. (Sigh) What do I have to lose really though? I've already been through 7 losses so if I have another one I will at least know that I tried everything I could to carry a pregnancy to term with my own eggs. I have decided that I will give this one more shot and if it doesn't work I am moving on to IVF with Donor Eggs or another adoption. So let the poking and prodding contintue. This chick is not giving up yet!
