It's Amazing What A Walk Through the Park Can Do

It's amazing what a walk through the park can do.
This past weekend I experienced the insensitivity of someone who takes pregnancy for granted. I won't go into the specifics because it really isn't worth repeating but the comment was crass and very inappropriate. The rest of the night I was a ball of emotions. I was angry one moment sad the next. I can't stand it when people take their pregnancy and ability to carry to term for granted like it's nothing. Don't they realize how lucky they are? Don't they realize I would trade places with them in a heartbeat?


I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and down about my infertility and pregnancy losses. I decided to take my nephew to the park since I was watching him. (my daughter was home with my husband taking a nap). I put him in the jogger and headed out to our neighborhood park. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, there were kids on the swings and families having picnics on the grass. It was a typical Spring day in Arizona. For some reason just being outside lifted my spirits immensely. It was nice to get out and pretend I was a kid again as I went down the slides with my nephew and pushed him on the swings. I felt free from all of the stress of family drama, multiple miscarriages, etc. Maybe I felt so good because I felt like our 3rd baby, our son Devon, was with us that day. He would have been just 2 months older than my nephew Carter. It really is amazing how getting out and being around people and children can actually help you feel better when you are down.


Tonight I had a good cry. A close friend of mine is pregnant again (unexpectedly) and I am happy for her but also sad because I really want that for myself. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. I want one of my pregnancies to have a happy ending like everyone else around me. I often ask myself, "what are they doing right that I'm not?" "Why don't I deserve to have a successful pregnancy?" 6 miscarriages in 4 years is unbelievable. I am so thankful for my daughter. I really truly am, but I just can't let go of the fact that I want to give her a little brother or sister and I want to do it myself through my own body. I wish I could let this go but I can't. I love being a mom so much I guess I just want more. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I thank God every night for our precious daughter Kayla. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life. But I also wish I could participate in those pregnancy conversations with other women around me. Talk about cravings and weight gain and how long I was in labor with Kayla for. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Why do I want the experience of pregnancy so badly? Maybe it is because I have only experienced the disappointment and heartbreaking side of pregnancy instead of the joys and happiness that those have experienced all around me.


This post started is kind of weird. I started writing it earlier today and I guess my emotions have done a 180. Just feeling kind of down right now. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Pregnancy Loss #4-Christmas 2008

Okay- I think I am now ready to write more about the last 2 pregnancy losses.
I have been avoiding it since I just didn't really want to sit down and reflect on the past so much but I have decided that I need this blog to be more up-to-date so it coincides with our Adoption Journey.

Pregnancy Loss #4
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I received a call from a potential employer that wanted to fly me out to Chicago for an interview. I was so excited of course because getting a job meant I could continue on with my adoption journey and relieve some financial stress. I remember that night starting to worry- what if I am pregnant and I have to fly? (I wasn't supposed to fly in the first trimester since I am high risk) After thinking about it further I had decided that even if I was pregnant (which I totally thought I wasn't) I would go on the trip anyway. After all, I had done everything I could the last 3 times and it didn't work so why was I constantly postponing my life and rearranging my plans for "just in case" situations? I had to stop this. No matter what, I needed a job and I needed to move forward with my plans whether I was pregnant or not.

I found out the day after Thanksgiving 2009 that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had no idea because we weren't even trying. I was supposed to go shopping with friends on Black Friday but I was too scared to move. As soon as I got that BFP (Big Fat Positive) I was scared to death. I just laid in bed praying that this had all happened for a reason. Maybe I lost my job because I was supposed to put off adoption for a while and have my own? Maybe God didn't want me to spend all of that money when He was going to bless me with my own little miracle. After almost a year of trying I had given up (kind of) and we had moved on to adoption which we were very excited about.

I called my second RE right away and asked for the prescription of Lovenox (blood thinner) and began the shots in my belly immediately.

I went in to get a 3rd opinion but had to tell the doc he couldn't run anymore tests because I had just found out I was pregnant again. They ordered a blood test and I can't remember my HCG number but it was in the 200's I think which they were very happy with. When the nurse called to tell me the blood test results I actually called back to make sure she was talking to the right patient. I remember asking her if she was trying to reach me or if she meant to call another patient. She thought that was funny and reassured me that my blood test results were in fact mine.

That Thursday I went to Phoenix Children's Hospital to do some volunteer work. I had taken up volunteering there since I had lost my job and just wanted to get out there and be around people and help others at the same time. My job was to stuff the Child Car Seat Safety folders. That is when I got the second call from the nurse telling me my 2nd round of HCG blood test results had come in and everything looked good. They scheduled my first ultrasound a week before Christmas.

After getting off the phone I was happy but still nervous. I continued stuffing the folders with the car seat info and thought to myself how hard this task would have been if I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself that I would be buying my little one a car seat soon too and that this time it was going to all work out. After all I had been doing acupuncture for over 3 months every single week, taking vitamins and herbs, and eating organically for the past 3 months as well. I was even doing wheat grass shots every single morning. I knew I was doing everything I possibly could to keep this pregnancy viable. My acupuncturist even gave me this little heating stick that looked like a cigar that I was to use every single night and target certain points on my body to let the heat help with blood flow.

The week before my ultrasound I had to fly to Chicago for an interview in the dead of winter. It was a quick trip and I was so nervous. I cried every day because I was so scared that flying would cause me to miscarry but at the same time I knew I had to get on that plane because I had to get a job. If the pregnancy was successful I needed to be able to support that child. If it wasn't I needed to continue my adoption journey. After talking to the Hematologist and my RE and my acupuncturist I was given the green light to fly but had to flex my legs every 30 minutes and walk around whenever I could. I bet people on the plane thought I was nuts because I wouldn't stop moving or getting up. Every time I went to the bathroom I would stay in there for a good 5 min and just walk in place to keep my blood flowing. (kind of silly when I think back about it now) but I was scared. I even read a passage over and over again from the bible that a friend of mine at given me to help me stay sane.

The interview went great but I was so scared to get back on that plane. One of the friends I had met through RESOLVE was so sweet and arranged for her hubby to meet me in Chicago, since he was on his way back home from the east coast on a business trip, and he sat next to me on the plane ride back to Phoenix. I was so thankful and wasn't an emotional wreck like I had been on the way out there.

We arrived back home and my husband picked us up from the airport. I had survived the flights and the interview and was finally back home. The next week was when I would hear if I got the job and have my ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was viable. That whole weekend before I just tried to relax and stay calm. I listened to my relaxation Cd's and wouldn't even lift a finger to do laundry or chores around the house. That Tuesday I was at my acupuncturist and received the call from the company I had interviewed and I got the job! I was so excited. I kept thinking, "this is going to be a great week! I am no longer unemployed and I am going to get great results at the ultrasound and see a little heartbeat from our little one." I thought, everything is finally falling into place. This was meant to be.

THE ULTRASOUND
Thursday morning we sat in the RE's office waiting for our appt. A couple was on their way out of the office and were gushing with joy because they had just had their ultrasound and were showing everyone in the office their Xmas surprise. I remember sitting there just wanting to ball my eyes out because I was so scared I wouldn't get the same news. All of the nurses were gathered around looking at the pictures of the ultrasound and saying "well I guess you guys will have a big announcement this Christmas won't you?" My husband turned to me and said, "you know, they really shouldn't be doing this right here in plain site of other patients." I just kind of nodded my head and agreed and went back to thinking positive things and envisioning the Dr. giving us good news.

I was so scared that I didn't even want to know my EDD (estimated Due Date) but it was on the screen right next to my name on the monitor. The Dr. performed the ultrasound and confirmed the pregnancy was in the uterus. We couldn't see a heartbeat but he saw a yolk sac forming and could see the baby developing. I was a little behind on my dates but he said that we didn't know exactly when I had ovulated so we shouldn't be too concerned. Of course I was. I had talked to other girls who had seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks. He sent us home and told us to come back in 10 days for a follow up.

THE DAY IT ALL ENDED
December 21st my mom and I were baking Christmas cookies and I started feeling cramps. I kept laying down hoping this was just the baby growing because it had been like that with my 3rd pregnancy right before we saw the heartbeat. On Dec 22nd I noticed a little spotting and of course was immediately upset. I thought, here we go again. We called the office and they had us come in for an appointment the next day. The night of December 22nd I was in excruciating pain. The miscarriage was starting and I was losing the baby. I didn't want to wake my husband because what could he have done but hold my hand so I let him sleep. I spent the entire night crying and running to the bathroom going through what I imagine labor must feel like. Early in the morning I passed the baby and collected the remains in a zip lock bag. I had been through this way to many times to know that I needed to collect what I could and bring it in for testing so we could hopefully get some answers.

2nd Ultrasound
My husband had a business meeting so he couldn't come with me to the appt so my mom came. I got into the room and when the Dr. came in I pulled out the zip lock bag and handed it to him. My mom just started crying. I think I was so numb that and tired from everything that had happened earlier that morning that I couldn't possible shed one more tear at the time. The RE took the remains and checked my uterus and confirmed it was now empty and that I had passed the baby. I knew that was what he would say and felt more sad for my mom than myself. Again, a 4th time, I had let me family down. 3 days before Christmas I had lost another pregnancy. Another Christmas mourning the loss of a baby. Another Christmas I will never forget.