Miscarriage #8

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy).  I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it.  At first I had wavering feelings.  How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster?  But then I thought, "I can't go out like this!  It wasn't even planned!"  I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for.  One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is.  Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one.  At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward. 

See ya 2010!  Can't say I will miss you all that much.  It's been a rough year.

Pregnancy # 8

Well, I am pregnant again but already having spotting so I'm not very hopeful. I was planning on waiting until next month to give it a go. I only took the test this morning because I wanted to ensure it was a negative because I have been taking topical (OTC) progesterone. I literally gasped when it turned positive. Went for bloodwork yesterday but I won't know anything until later this morning. Ugh I am so not ready to go through this again :( I wanted to have all of my ducks in a row before trying this time. I ate horrible, drank coffee, missed an acupucuture sesssion. We honeslty didn't even try and were trying to be very careful. I would be estastic if I knew I was going to get my happy ending but everytime it ends the same. :( I can't believe this is pregnancy number 8 for me. I've been pregnant 8 times in 5 years and had 0 live births.


I have a feeling this is another chemical though since I have had spotting all week. I'm on CD 26 and ovulated early. (CD 10) which leads me to believe the egg wasn't ready even though it released. I was really hoping to start off the New Year fresh. :'( I'm so depressed and bummed right now. I feel like a slave to my own body.

On a Good Day

Today I woke up with a feeling of total saddness. I don't know what brought it on.  Was it watching my month old nephew yesterday?  Was it the millions of pregnancy/birth annoucements I keep hearing?  Is it because this is the last month of "Taking a Break" before we start trying again and I am deathly afraid of losing pregnancy number 8 when we start trying again in 2011?  So many things are running through my mind. I've worked so hard but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.  It's all so overwhelming and I am exhausted.  I started losing hope that I will ever carry to term and give birth and needed a good friend to help talk me down from the ledge. I don't know how she does it but some how she puts that hope and fight back in me when I feel like I am about to give up.  I was on Facebook and my husband's cousin posted this song.  It totally spoke to me.  Below are the lyrics and the youtube video.  It's a very relaxing song that puts me at ease for some reason.

Oceanlab- On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...A little bit lonely

Little bit cold here

A little bit feared

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

And it feels like me

On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit cold

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me

On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

-UNKNOWN

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss.  She got me thinking about a lot of things.  How I can feel 2 different things at the same time.  Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant.  It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too.  The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time.  She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings.  I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest .  I go again in 2 weeks.  I really liked her office.  In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them.  The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it. 

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more.  I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't.  I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture.  Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too.  Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.



I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

Feeling kind of lost right now.  Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now.  When are things going to get easier?  Will they ever?  Life is so frustrating sometimes. 

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ?  Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.  Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much.  I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

 Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday.  (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone.  I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

• October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
• October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
• October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon.  Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my  supportive friends.  It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.
   
Thank You!