The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.

Almost There!

Well, It's a good thing I didn't write on my blog Sunday or Monday because I was really down in the dumps. I went back and watched Devon's (baby number 3) ultrasound video of his little heartbeat and had a nice big cry. I was just really emotional because our first month of actually trying in 2011 was a bust.  BFN (Big Fat negative).  But today I'm filled with hope.  For some reason I feel like I'm Almost There and I plan on shouting it to the roof tops when I give birth one day.  I added to my Vision Board with more pictures and words of encouragement. 

This song from Princess and the Frog (such a cute movie by the way) gives me hope.  I'm going to keep trying and pushing forward. I CAN and WILL do this.  I wish Happy Endings were as easy to get like they are in the Disney Movies. 

"There's been trials and tribulations

You know I've had my share

But I've climbed the mountain, I've crossed the river

And I'm almost there, I'm almost there

I'm almost there!"

(From Princess and The Frog)