The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.

Progress and a Discovery

Still doing acupuncture and herbs. I went Friday and Dr. Yau said it appears to be working. My PMS symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be. I used to get really sore breast and lower back pain the week prior and now pain is virtually gone. Also, I used to spot for about 6 days off and on before Aunt Flow showed her ugly face and now I only spot for about 2 days before she officially arrives. (sorry TMI I know but it is how I know the treatment is working) So I am making progress. I usually get horrible cramps on cycle day 1 but this time around they weren't as bad as they usually are and as soon as I took 2 Advil I felt much better.

Not sure when I will be able to start trying to conceive again. Maybe Dec or Jan? I'm still taking my fish oil, folic acid, B vitamins, and wheat grass shots. I really hope this works. I want this so badly. I swear, once I carry a pregnancy to term and give birth I'm totally done. I will be content with 2 kids. Hope it happens soon.


Friday night I was looking in my desk drawer and found my old cell phone. I started going through it to see what pictures and videos I had on it from 2007 and stumbled across my ultrasound video of Devon (baby number 3). Looking back it is still hard for me to believe that October 7th 2007 was the first and last time we saw his beautiful beating heart. It was such an amazing day which made the loss so devastating. We thought he was our keeper, our little miracle, but 3 weeks later his heartbeat was gone. I try to put the past behind me but it creeps in sometimes and makes my heart ache. I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven and finally get to hold him in my arms. I know he and Ashton (and the other 5 babies) are watching down on my husband, Kayla, and I and protecting us which brings me some comfort but it doesn't take away how much I miss them.

Devon James 7 weeks 3 days

More Acupuncture 6-25-10

Today was my weekly acupuncture appt. He checked my tongue and my pulse then had me lay down. This time he placed 2 needles in my stomach and then various needles in my feet and legs. He then attached a pulsing unit to each of the needles to help stimulate blood flow and strengthen my inner core. I laid there for about 40 min on my back. I was supposed to be relaxing but I found myself checking emails on my blackberry and texting my friends. It did make the time go by pretty fast but next week I think I will keep my phone in my car so I can really spend that time relaxing. See pictures below:

Again he gave me two new packs of herbs to take for the week. They all look the same to me but he insists they are different each week. He said they are going to help strengthen my ovaries and help delay the aging process. Um, I'm only 30 years old. I didn't know I had to worry about the aging process yet but apparently the ovaries are the first to go and since Western Medicine says I have pre-mature ovarian failure I guess it is good I am doing this now right? Dr. Yau has so much faith in his practice and so many success stories I feel like I have to believe him. Problem is, I have been here before. I have been so incredibly hopeful in the past that it makes the losses that much more devastating when they happen despite the hard work and discipline I have put myself through. I follow all of the rules, I never miss an appt or a pill, or a shot, and still it ends the same. (Sigh) What do I have to lose really though? I've already been through 7 losses so if I have another one I will at least know that I tried everything I could to carry a pregnancy to term with my own eggs. I have decided that I will give this one more shot and if it doesn't work I am moving on to IVF with Donor Eggs or another adoption.  So let the poking and prodding contintue.  This chick is not giving up yet!

Up close shot of stomach & left foot with needles and pulsing units 

Herbs

Acupuncture Session #3

Today I went to acupuncture again.  He switched up my herbs and told me that I need to make sure I take them religiously because they are the only thing that is going to help me.  Not sure if I believe this will help me carry to term but I have to at least try it right?  Here are some pics I took with my phone.  The bruises on my belly are from the Lovenox injections (blood thinners) I have to take when I am pregnant not from the acupuncture needles.  I guess having to use the Lovenox injections has really done a number on my belly when it comes to bruising but I assure you these look very good compared to what they usually look like when I am actually pregnant.  I hope this time next year I will be posting "Baby Belly" pictures on this blog instead.

Taking a Break from TTC

Yesterday I jumped on the treadmill for 30 min and watched a movie as a little break from work. I'm going to try and do that every day. I follow up by using the big ball to do sit ups and leg lifts.  With this break coming up from TTC I may try and sport a bikini again if I can get my tummy toned and the bruises to go away from the Lovenox shots.  I've stuck to tankinis that cover my tummy since my bruises have been so bad.


I'm now taking herbs 3x a day, working out, using the juicer (lettuce, cucumber, green apple, lemon, and celery) and doing wheat grass shots. I will try a 4 month break first. Then I will ask my acupuncturist where I'm at in my progress and see if my body is ready to start trying to get pregnant again.

These next 4 months I plan on really enjoying life.  Going on trips and vacations with my family, eating healthy, exercising, and just really relaxing. I may even put the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor away and just do the Arbonne Prolief cycle days 12-26.  There really is no point in wasting the test sticks if I'm not trying to get pregnant right now.

This weekend I read the 5th Twilight book "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner." (actually it is a novella and a side book to Eclipse which comes out in theaters June 30th)   Then I watched movies all weekend. My  husband enjoyed himself lounging around but I just wanted to get out and do something.  Since I work from home I don't get out of the house all that much and with Kayla (my 14 month old daughter) I was confined to the house because she had Roseola last week.

If you are looking for some movies to watch this summer here is the list of movies I saw this weekend and my input:

1. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen  (movie was a let down. Hope the 3rd one is better)



2. Star Trek I had already seen this one though in the theater. Good movie though.



3.When in Rome (dumb ass movie. Don't waste your time)



4. It's Complicated (it was okay-Alec Baldwin is looking very old and you can tell he has had a face lift or 2 or 3 or 4!)



5. Remember Me (AMAZING movie. Even my hubby liked it.) I thought it was just a chick flick romance movie with Rob Pattinson but it turned out to be a lot deeper than I could have imagined. You should watch it. Plus Rob Pattinson is a hottie so you can't really go wrong there! LOL



6. Dear John (big snooze. hated the ending)


7. Twilight Saga: New Moon (you need to read the books first.  They are addicting!)
So ya I literally spent my entire weekend watching movies. I need to get a life!

It was all I could do since we couldn't go anywhere because K was contagious to kids under 3 with Roseola until her rash went away. Thank Goodness she is better.

Father's Day is this coming weekend so I am trying to plan something special for my hubby since it is his first Father's Day. 

So in a nut shell I am trying to remain positive and take this TTC break and really enjoy the wonderful things life has to offer.

2nd Acupuncture Visit After 7 Losses

Went to acupuncture today and he wants me to not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year so he can get my body ready for a pregnancy again!  Can't say I am happy about that but maybe it will be a good break for me I guess. Kind of disappointed but I want to make sure my body is ready. He switched me to the herbs in a pill form and told me hopeful stories of women who were given a 0 chance of pregnancy and with his help they had babies. I go again next Friday

The Empty Picture Frame

I've been feeling really depressed lately.  Maybe it is my 7th loss on 5-5-10, or that everyone who was pregnant the same time I was had their babies this month when I was pregnant with number 6.(the 2nd pregnancy we lost after seeing the heartbeat in Oct 2009).  Maybe it is because some of my friends are pregnant or  because a friend of mine just had a miscarriage.  Maybe it is a combination of all of these. I don't know. 

Anyways, a friend of mine sent me this book titled "The Empty Picture Frame" by Jenna Currier Nadeau. I have had it sitting at my desk since it arrived a couple of weeks ago and just haven't felt up to reading it.  Today I decided to open it up and read the Preface.  It was a very good read but I found myself getting very emotional.  I don't think I am ready to sit down and read it yet. I have a feeling it is going to open up old wounds that I'm not ready to feel again yet. The good news is that while the story itself doesn't have a happy ending after the book was published the author did  fulfill her dream of having a family.  She has 1 child through adoption and carried 1 child to term and gave birth.  So that does give me hope. 

I guess right now I am just a big mixed ball of emotions.  I'm exhausted with this multiple miscarriage journey and the constant fight to carry a pregnancy to term.  Still I am heading to acupuncture again tomorrow to try put my body back into balance. I guess I'm still willing to give it another try once I am given the "green light" from my acupuncturist which will probably be in about 2-3 months.  I need to take advantage of this break and enjoy not having to stress about TTC. (trying to conceive).  If you would like to learn more about this book below is the link to Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Picture-Frame-Inconceivable-Infertility/dp/1432705962

About the Author


Jenna and Mike Nadeau have struggled with infertility since shortly after they were married in 2002. Jenna is a current volunteer for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. She has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show as well as The Today Show to discuss their experiences. Together, Jenna and her husband have written The Empty Picture Frame as a way to share their journey and educate others.

Back to Acupuncture Again

Well, I decided to try acupuncture again. Not sure why, just feel like I need to do something and be proactive. I just can't accept that my eggs aren't any good and that egg donor is my only option. So Friday I went back to the first doctor I saw after pregnancy loss #3. He is closer to my house and cheaper. My sister-in-law had a co-worker use him after she had 3 losses and he helped her carry to term so I figured it was worth another shot. I loved my last acupuncturist Robert but he is about 45min away and since I work from home and have Kayla now it would be too much for me to drive all the way out there.

So I went and saw Dr. Yau on Friday. I explained to him that I have had 7 losses and he looked at me and said, "why haven't you come to see me sooner?" He examined me and said I had a very weak pulse and that I was carrying a lot of heat. Not sure that that means exactly but he told me to eat papaya, stay away from the sweets (which I LOVE), and eat spicy food in moderation. We are going to work on strengthening my reproductive system with acupuncture and herbs. He placed the needles in me and prepared 4 days worth of "tea" for me to take home. I go back Tuesday for another appt. Thank God I do because I can not handle this so called "tea." It is the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life and it takes 1 hour and 10 min to prepare every single day! Not to mention the fact that it makes my house stink! There is a pill form and although it isn't as effective as the tea I am going to have to insist we stop the tea and move forward with that. I don't have time to make the tea everyday and the taste is just so horrible I get depressed just thinking about when I have to take my next dose.

The tea is literally a bag of herbs that I boil in a pot for 10 min, then I steep it and put the herbs back in and boil them again in 3 cups of water for 30min, then I steep again, and repeat step 2 again for another 30 min. Then I have to divide it into 3 portions and drink it 3 times a day. IT IS AWFUL! I have gagged when I get some of the sediments at the end. I ended up making a batch Friday and 1 batch today but I had to throw away the other 2 days worth. I do want to carry a pregnancy to term but I guess I have my limits. I will gladly take the pill form so hopefully that will help me balance out my body and get it ready to carry a pregnancy to term.

So, do I think this is going to work? I don't know. I've done the acupuncture route before and it didn't but I guess I feel I just need to try Dr. Yau again. I've also started doing my morning cleansing tonics using the juicer. I read about it in The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova and if all else fails at least I will be very balanced and very healthy right? I wish someone could tell me the right combination to get me to where I want to be. I know God doesn't negotiate but I have prayed to Him over and over again. "Please just let me carry one pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby and I promise I will NEVER ask for this again." I really want Kayla to have a little brother or sister and I have always wanted at least 2 kids.

Maybe I need to let this go, maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't give up yet. So much for letting go and letting God. I'm trying but man it is so hard to just let this go. I'm not one to just throw in the towel when things get tough.

Inconceivable

Feeling extremely depressed I turned to a friend I met on the fertility boards and she sent me this book Inconceivable by Julia Indichova. What an amazing book!! It filled me with hope for the future. The author had been given the same news about her FSH levels and through changing her diet and altering her lifestyle she was able to successfully get pregnant and have her 2nd child after every Dr. she went to had told her she would need to use donor eggs. I immediately went to work. I did yoga, I did visualizations, I borrowed a juicer from my friend and started doing the morning cleanses, I ate organically, I took DHA pills, I did acupuncture once a week (which I loved) I did it all. I took herbs, I listened to imagery CDs. I did everything I could. I even called in on one of the author's call circles and listened to her speak to a bunch of women about infertility and overcoming it. I was a power house. I thought, I need to give this my all.

In the meantime we were still moving forward with adoption but I just had this feeling in me that I needed to give it one last shot before we proceeded with adoption 100%. I hadn't been pregnant in almost a year and thought, if I could just get pregnant one more time. I figured, if I lost that pregnancy I was meant to adopt, if I didn't maybe I was meant to adopt later. Who knew?

August: BFN (Big Fat Negative) Pregnancy test

September: BFN (and delayed period. Had to take Provera to get my period to start again)

October: BFN

That is when we finally had saved up enough money to sign on with an adoption agency to help us locate a birth mom. We were going to move forward with adoption.