Week Number 7 of Viral Protocol and Frustration and Tears

Ugh I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Apparently over the course of 6 weeks I was supposed to go for weekly blood draws bc I'm on heparin so they could adjust it as needed. It didn't say that on the paper anything about those labs. They said it isn't a big deal but it is to me! I wanted to do the 100% correct. My only saving grace is that I'm not trying to sustain a pregnancy at this exact moment. I went back and looked at the paperwork and all it said was SQ next to the word Heparin. (Meaning Sonora Quest) I'm not a fricking code reader! Sorry to vent. I called DH and he blew me off. I think I'm just emotional. I'm just so ready to be done with this. I just want to cry right now and scream WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PREGNANT WOMAN??? You know, sometimes I pretend I am. Especially when talking to people that don't know my history or that K is adopted.


I go again today to get my PPT (the heparin blood draw) which has to be taken 6 hours after my first injections.  I'm so tired of all of the rules, the pills, the wishing, the hoping, the praying. I just want this to be easy.  It's been 5 1/2 years and 8 pregnancies and I still haven't carried to term.  WTF???? 

I just feel so alone.  I'm starting to feel defeated.  What if all of my heard work just isn't enough?  I just want to cry right now.  My stomach is so bruised and bloated I feel like a whale. I would be excited if there was a baby in there but right now it's just that way because of the injections.  Please somebody tell me this is going to work!!!

The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.