Week Number 7 of Viral Protocol and Frustration and Tears

Ugh I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Apparently over the course of 6 weeks I was supposed to go for weekly blood draws bc I'm on heparin so they could adjust it as needed. It didn't say that on the paper anything about those labs. They said it isn't a big deal but it is to me! I wanted to do the 100% correct. My only saving grace is that I'm not trying to sustain a pregnancy at this exact moment. I went back and looked at the paperwork and all it said was SQ next to the word Heparin. (Meaning Sonora Quest) I'm not a fricking code reader! Sorry to vent. I called DH and he blew me off. I think I'm just emotional. I'm just so ready to be done with this. I just want to cry right now and scream WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PREGNANT WOMAN??? You know, sometimes I pretend I am. Especially when talking to people that don't know my history or that K is adopted.


I go again today to get my PPT (the heparin blood draw) which has to be taken 6 hours after my first injections.  I'm so tired of all of the rules, the pills, the wishing, the hoping, the praying. I just want this to be easy.  It's been 5 1/2 years and 8 pregnancies and I still haven't carried to term.  WTF???? 

I just feel so alone.  I'm starting to feel defeated.  What if all of my heard work just isn't enough?  I just want to cry right now.  My stomach is so bruised and bloated I feel like a whale. I would be excited if there was a baby in there but right now it's just that way because of the injections.  Please somebody tell me this is going to work!!!

Tears

I know 15 people who have either given birth or announced their pregnancies in the last 2 months. 15!  Isn't that crazy?  Whatever water they are drinking can I please have some?

Today I was overwhelmed with so much emotion at all of the pregnancy announcements. I was genuinely upset but the tears wouldn't come out.  It wasn't until my husband got home that the tears began flowing.  So many beautiful babies entering our world and none of them are through me. Baby bumps and ultrasound pictures are being posted among my friends on social networking sites.  I guess today it finally got to me.

The only ultrasound pictures I have to share are the ones below.  2 out of 7 babies were actually captured on screen and they both passed away shortly after seeing their beautiful heartbeats.  All of the pain from those losses came rushing back suddenly.  I don't even have that amazing ultrasound picture of Kayla to share with her when she is older or display in her room like everyone else does.  Our birth mom didn't pass that one along to me when we adopted her and I think it may be inappropriate to ask for it now.

For a split second I lost hope of ever carrying a pregnancy to term but as soon as the tears dried and I stood up I felt that sense of determination come rushing back.  Something in me won't let this go.  Something in me won't let me give up.  As long as I have that feeling in my heart I know that I have to keep trying.  There is a reason I feel this way and to give up now on that dream would be such a huge disservice to myself and this long treacherous journey I have embarked on.  I have to keep trying. I have to keep believing.

 

            Devon James passed away Oct 2007

Ashton Michael passed away September 2009

Back to Acupuncture Again

Well, I decided to try acupuncture again. Not sure why, just feel like I need to do something and be proactive. I just can't accept that my eggs aren't any good and that egg donor is my only option. So Friday I went back to the first doctor I saw after pregnancy loss #3. He is closer to my house and cheaper. My sister-in-law had a co-worker use him after she had 3 losses and he helped her carry to term so I figured it was worth another shot. I loved my last acupuncturist Robert but he is about 45min away and since I work from home and have Kayla now it would be too much for me to drive all the way out there.

So I went and saw Dr. Yau on Friday. I explained to him that I have had 7 losses and he looked at me and said, "why haven't you come to see me sooner?" He examined me and said I had a very weak pulse and that I was carrying a lot of heat. Not sure that that means exactly but he told me to eat papaya, stay away from the sweets (which I LOVE), and eat spicy food in moderation. We are going to work on strengthening my reproductive system with acupuncture and herbs. He placed the needles in me and prepared 4 days worth of "tea" for me to take home. I go back Tuesday for another appt. Thank God I do because I can not handle this so called "tea." It is the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life and it takes 1 hour and 10 min to prepare every single day! Not to mention the fact that it makes my house stink! There is a pill form and although it isn't as effective as the tea I am going to have to insist we stop the tea and move forward with that. I don't have time to make the tea everyday and the taste is just so horrible I get depressed just thinking about when I have to take my next dose.

The tea is literally a bag of herbs that I boil in a pot for 10 min, then I steep it and put the herbs back in and boil them again in 3 cups of water for 30min, then I steep again, and repeat step 2 again for another 30 min. Then I have to divide it into 3 portions and drink it 3 times a day. IT IS AWFUL! I have gagged when I get some of the sediments at the end. I ended up making a batch Friday and 1 batch today but I had to throw away the other 2 days worth. I do want to carry a pregnancy to term but I guess I have my limits. I will gladly take the pill form so hopefully that will help me balance out my body and get it ready to carry a pregnancy to term.

So, do I think this is going to work? I don't know. I've done the acupuncture route before and it didn't but I guess I feel I just need to try Dr. Yau again. I've also started doing my morning cleansing tonics using the juicer. I read about it in The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova and if all else fails at least I will be very balanced and very healthy right? I wish someone could tell me the right combination to get me to where I want to be. I know God doesn't negotiate but I have prayed to Him over and over again. "Please just let me carry one pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby and I promise I will NEVER ask for this again." I really want Kayla to have a little brother or sister and I have always wanted at least 2 kids.

Maybe I need to let this go, maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't give up yet. So much for letting go and letting God. I'm trying but man it is so hard to just let this go. I'm not one to just throw in the towel when things get tough.

Feeling Kind of Sad Right Now

A week ago today I lost my little puppy Gidget. She was my baby doll, my cuddle bug. We don't know what happened exactly. She was fine Sunday night and then Monday morning everything just went down hill. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, and was moaning. I took her to the vet and they thought she may have pancreatitis. They took an x-ray, gave her some fluids, gave me some meds and sent me home. Just a few hours later she died in my arms. It is kind of a double edged sword. I'm glad she didn't die alone and I was holding and kissing her as she took her last breath but I'm also heart broken I had to witness it.

See, Gidget was more than a puppy. She was with me through each one of my 6 pregnancy losses. Each time I would come home from the doctor's office with the bad news that another baby had passed away she was there to lick away my tears and cuddle with me. When we adopted our daughter Kayla I remember picking her up and telling her, "See Gidg? This is what we have been waiting so long for!" I may be crazy but I totally felt like she "got it" and understood what I was saying. It's hard to believe that she is gone. I will miss her dearly. I love you Gidgi.

9/25/05-12/28/09

Pregnancy Loss #4-Christmas 2008

Okay- I think I am now ready to write more about the last 2 pregnancy losses.
I have been avoiding it since I just didn't really want to sit down and reflect on the past so much but I have decided that I need this blog to be more up-to-date so it coincides with our Adoption Journey.

Pregnancy Loss #4
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I received a call from a potential employer that wanted to fly me out to Chicago for an interview. I was so excited of course because getting a job meant I could continue on with my adoption journey and relieve some financial stress. I remember that night starting to worry- what if I am pregnant and I have to fly? (I wasn't supposed to fly in the first trimester since I am high risk) After thinking about it further I had decided that even if I was pregnant (which I totally thought I wasn't) I would go on the trip anyway. After all, I had done everything I could the last 3 times and it didn't work so why was I constantly postponing my life and rearranging my plans for "just in case" situations? I had to stop this. No matter what, I needed a job and I needed to move forward with my plans whether I was pregnant or not.

I found out the day after Thanksgiving 2009 that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had no idea because we weren't even trying. I was supposed to go shopping with friends on Black Friday but I was too scared to move. As soon as I got that BFP (Big Fat Positive) I was scared to death. I just laid in bed praying that this had all happened for a reason. Maybe I lost my job because I was supposed to put off adoption for a while and have my own? Maybe God didn't want me to spend all of that money when He was going to bless me with my own little miracle. After almost a year of trying I had given up (kind of) and we had moved on to adoption which we were very excited about.

I called my second RE right away and asked for the prescription of Lovenox (blood thinner) and began the shots in my belly immediately.

I went in to get a 3rd opinion but had to tell the doc he couldn't run anymore tests because I had just found out I was pregnant again. They ordered a blood test and I can't remember my HCG number but it was in the 200's I think which they were very happy with. When the nurse called to tell me the blood test results I actually called back to make sure she was talking to the right patient. I remember asking her if she was trying to reach me or if she meant to call another patient. She thought that was funny and reassured me that my blood test results were in fact mine.

That Thursday I went to Phoenix Children's Hospital to do some volunteer work. I had taken up volunteering there since I had lost my job and just wanted to get out there and be around people and help others at the same time. My job was to stuff the Child Car Seat Safety folders. That is when I got the second call from the nurse telling me my 2nd round of HCG blood test results had come in and everything looked good. They scheduled my first ultrasound a week before Christmas.

After getting off the phone I was happy but still nervous. I continued stuffing the folders with the car seat info and thought to myself how hard this task would have been if I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself that I would be buying my little one a car seat soon too and that this time it was going to all work out. After all I had been doing acupuncture for over 3 months every single week, taking vitamins and herbs, and eating organically for the past 3 months as well. I was even doing wheat grass shots every single morning. I knew I was doing everything I possibly could to keep this pregnancy viable. My acupuncturist even gave me this little heating stick that looked like a cigar that I was to use every single night and target certain points on my body to let the heat help with blood flow.

The week before my ultrasound I had to fly to Chicago for an interview in the dead of winter. It was a quick trip and I was so nervous. I cried every day because I was so scared that flying would cause me to miscarry but at the same time I knew I had to get on that plane because I had to get a job. If the pregnancy was successful I needed to be able to support that child. If it wasn't I needed to continue my adoption journey. After talking to the Hematologist and my RE and my acupuncturist I was given the green light to fly but had to flex my legs every 30 minutes and walk around whenever I could. I bet people on the plane thought I was nuts because I wouldn't stop moving or getting up. Every time I went to the bathroom I would stay in there for a good 5 min and just walk in place to keep my blood flowing. (kind of silly when I think back about it now) but I was scared. I even read a passage over and over again from the bible that a friend of mine at given me to help me stay sane.

The interview went great but I was so scared to get back on that plane. One of the friends I had met through RESOLVE was so sweet and arranged for her hubby to meet me in Chicago, since he was on his way back home from the east coast on a business trip, and he sat next to me on the plane ride back to Phoenix. I was so thankful and wasn't an emotional wreck like I had been on the way out there.

We arrived back home and my husband picked us up from the airport. I had survived the flights and the interview and was finally back home. The next week was when I would hear if I got the job and have my ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was viable. That whole weekend before I just tried to relax and stay calm. I listened to my relaxation Cd's and wouldn't even lift a finger to do laundry or chores around the house. That Tuesday I was at my acupuncturist and received the call from the company I had interviewed and I got the job! I was so excited. I kept thinking, "this is going to be a great week! I am no longer unemployed and I am going to get great results at the ultrasound and see a little heartbeat from our little one." I thought, everything is finally falling into place. This was meant to be.

THE ULTRASOUND
Thursday morning we sat in the RE's office waiting for our appt. A couple was on their way out of the office and were gushing with joy because they had just had their ultrasound and were showing everyone in the office their Xmas surprise. I remember sitting there just wanting to ball my eyes out because I was so scared I wouldn't get the same news. All of the nurses were gathered around looking at the pictures of the ultrasound and saying "well I guess you guys will have a big announcement this Christmas won't you?" My husband turned to me and said, "you know, they really shouldn't be doing this right here in plain site of other patients." I just kind of nodded my head and agreed and went back to thinking positive things and envisioning the Dr. giving us good news.

I was so scared that I didn't even want to know my EDD (estimated Due Date) but it was on the screen right next to my name on the monitor. The Dr. performed the ultrasound and confirmed the pregnancy was in the uterus. We couldn't see a heartbeat but he saw a yolk sac forming and could see the baby developing. I was a little behind on my dates but he said that we didn't know exactly when I had ovulated so we shouldn't be too concerned. Of course I was. I had talked to other girls who had seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks. He sent us home and told us to come back in 10 days for a follow up.

THE DAY IT ALL ENDED
December 21st my mom and I were baking Christmas cookies and I started feeling cramps. I kept laying down hoping this was just the baby growing because it had been like that with my 3rd pregnancy right before we saw the heartbeat. On Dec 22nd I noticed a little spotting and of course was immediately upset. I thought, here we go again. We called the office and they had us come in for an appointment the next day. The night of December 22nd I was in excruciating pain. The miscarriage was starting and I was losing the baby. I didn't want to wake my husband because what could he have done but hold my hand so I let him sleep. I spent the entire night crying and running to the bathroom going through what I imagine labor must feel like. Early in the morning I passed the baby and collected the remains in a zip lock bag. I had been through this way to many times to know that I needed to collect what I could and bring it in for testing so we could hopefully get some answers.

2nd Ultrasound
My husband had a business meeting so he couldn't come with me to the appt so my mom came. I got into the room and when the Dr. came in I pulled out the zip lock bag and handed it to him. My mom just started crying. I think I was so numb that and tired from everything that had happened earlier that morning that I couldn't possible shed one more tear at the time. The RE took the remains and checked my uterus and confirmed it was now empty and that I had passed the baby. I knew that was what he would say and felt more sad for my mom than myself. Again, a 4th time, I had let me family down. 3 days before Christmas I had lost another pregnancy. Another Christmas mourning the loss of a baby. Another Christmas I will never forget.