Miscarriage #5- April 14th 2009

Miscarriage #5

April 14, 2009 (Chemical Pregnancy)

I had no idea I was pregnant this time until I started feeling nauseous and decided to take a test. At that time I was already having complications so I knew it was a no go but still went in for the blood work. Here were the HCG numbers at each blood draw:

HCG#1: 65

HCG#2: 24

HCG#3: under 5 (which means negative)

HCG

The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.

*Key things to remember about hCG levels:
In about 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.

Some of you may not understand what a Chemical Pregnancy is so here is more of an explanation:

What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have tested. Then I would have never known but I guess I still thought there was a chance.

I Miss You

This song by Avril Lavigne puts into words exactly how much I miss my 5 angels:

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.

Pregnancy Loss #4-Christmas 2008

Okay- I think I am now ready to write more about the last 2 pregnancy losses.
I have been avoiding it since I just didn't really want to sit down and reflect on the past so much but I have decided that I need this blog to be more up-to-date so it coincides with our Adoption Journey.

Pregnancy Loss #4
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I received a call from a potential employer that wanted to fly me out to Chicago for an interview. I was so excited of course because getting a job meant I could continue on with my adoption journey and relieve some financial stress. I remember that night starting to worry- what if I am pregnant and I have to fly? (I wasn't supposed to fly in the first trimester since I am high risk) After thinking about it further I had decided that even if I was pregnant (which I totally thought I wasn't) I would go on the trip anyway. After all, I had done everything I could the last 3 times and it didn't work so why was I constantly postponing my life and rearranging my plans for "just in case" situations? I had to stop this. No matter what, I needed a job and I needed to move forward with my plans whether I was pregnant or not.

I found out the day after Thanksgiving 2009 that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had no idea because we weren't even trying. I was supposed to go shopping with friends on Black Friday but I was too scared to move. As soon as I got that BFP (Big Fat Positive) I was scared to death. I just laid in bed praying that this had all happened for a reason. Maybe I lost my job because I was supposed to put off adoption for a while and have my own? Maybe God didn't want me to spend all of that money when He was going to bless me with my own little miracle. After almost a year of trying I had given up (kind of) and we had moved on to adoption which we were very excited about.

I called my second RE right away and asked for the prescription of Lovenox (blood thinner) and began the shots in my belly immediately.

I went in to get a 3rd opinion but had to tell the doc he couldn't run anymore tests because I had just found out I was pregnant again. They ordered a blood test and I can't remember my HCG number but it was in the 200's I think which they were very happy with. When the nurse called to tell me the blood test results I actually called back to make sure she was talking to the right patient. I remember asking her if she was trying to reach me or if she meant to call another patient. She thought that was funny and reassured me that my blood test results were in fact mine.

That Thursday I went to Phoenix Children's Hospital to do some volunteer work. I had taken up volunteering there since I had lost my job and just wanted to get out there and be around people and help others at the same time. My job was to stuff the Child Car Seat Safety folders. That is when I got the second call from the nurse telling me my 2nd round of HCG blood test results had come in and everything looked good. They scheduled my first ultrasound a week before Christmas.

After getting off the phone I was happy but still nervous. I continued stuffing the folders with the car seat info and thought to myself how hard this task would have been if I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself that I would be buying my little one a car seat soon too and that this time it was going to all work out. After all I had been doing acupuncture for over 3 months every single week, taking vitamins and herbs, and eating organically for the past 3 months as well. I was even doing wheat grass shots every single morning. I knew I was doing everything I possibly could to keep this pregnancy viable. My acupuncturist even gave me this little heating stick that looked like a cigar that I was to use every single night and target certain points on my body to let the heat help with blood flow.

The week before my ultrasound I had to fly to Chicago for an interview in the dead of winter. It was a quick trip and I was so nervous. I cried every day because I was so scared that flying would cause me to miscarry but at the same time I knew I had to get on that plane because I had to get a job. If the pregnancy was successful I needed to be able to support that child. If it wasn't I needed to continue my adoption journey. After talking to the Hematologist and my RE and my acupuncturist I was given the green light to fly but had to flex my legs every 30 minutes and walk around whenever I could. I bet people on the plane thought I was nuts because I wouldn't stop moving or getting up. Every time I went to the bathroom I would stay in there for a good 5 min and just walk in place to keep my blood flowing. (kind of silly when I think back about it now) but I was scared. I even read a passage over and over again from the bible that a friend of mine at given me to help me stay sane.

The interview went great but I was so scared to get back on that plane. One of the friends I had met through RESOLVE was so sweet and arranged for her hubby to meet me in Chicago, since he was on his way back home from the east coast on a business trip, and he sat next to me on the plane ride back to Phoenix. I was so thankful and wasn't an emotional wreck like I had been on the way out there.

We arrived back home and my husband picked us up from the airport. I had survived the flights and the interview and was finally back home. The next week was when I would hear if I got the job and have my ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was viable. That whole weekend before I just tried to relax and stay calm. I listened to my relaxation Cd's and wouldn't even lift a finger to do laundry or chores around the house. That Tuesday I was at my acupuncturist and received the call from the company I had interviewed and I got the job! I was so excited. I kept thinking, "this is going to be a great week! I am no longer unemployed and I am going to get great results at the ultrasound and see a little heartbeat from our little one." I thought, everything is finally falling into place. This was meant to be.

THE ULTRASOUND
Thursday morning we sat in the RE's office waiting for our appt. A couple was on their way out of the office and were gushing with joy because they had just had their ultrasound and were showing everyone in the office their Xmas surprise. I remember sitting there just wanting to ball my eyes out because I was so scared I wouldn't get the same news. All of the nurses were gathered around looking at the pictures of the ultrasound and saying "well I guess you guys will have a big announcement this Christmas won't you?" My husband turned to me and said, "you know, they really shouldn't be doing this right here in plain site of other patients." I just kind of nodded my head and agreed and went back to thinking positive things and envisioning the Dr. giving us good news.

I was so scared that I didn't even want to know my EDD (estimated Due Date) but it was on the screen right next to my name on the monitor. The Dr. performed the ultrasound and confirmed the pregnancy was in the uterus. We couldn't see a heartbeat but he saw a yolk sac forming and could see the baby developing. I was a little behind on my dates but he said that we didn't know exactly when I had ovulated so we shouldn't be too concerned. Of course I was. I had talked to other girls who had seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks. He sent us home and told us to come back in 10 days for a follow up.

THE DAY IT ALL ENDED
December 21st my mom and I were baking Christmas cookies and I started feeling cramps. I kept laying down hoping this was just the baby growing because it had been like that with my 3rd pregnancy right before we saw the heartbeat. On Dec 22nd I noticed a little spotting and of course was immediately upset. I thought, here we go again. We called the office and they had us come in for an appointment the next day. The night of December 22nd I was in excruciating pain. The miscarriage was starting and I was losing the baby. I didn't want to wake my husband because what could he have done but hold my hand so I let him sleep. I spent the entire night crying and running to the bathroom going through what I imagine labor must feel like. Early in the morning I passed the baby and collected the remains in a zip lock bag. I had been through this way to many times to know that I needed to collect what I could and bring it in for testing so we could hopefully get some answers.

2nd Ultrasound
My husband had a business meeting so he couldn't come with me to the appt so my mom came. I got into the room and when the Dr. came in I pulled out the zip lock bag and handed it to him. My mom just started crying. I think I was so numb that and tired from everything that had happened earlier that morning that I couldn't possible shed one more tear at the time. The RE took the remains and checked my uterus and confirmed it was now empty and that I had passed the baby. I knew that was what he would say and felt more sad for my mom than myself. Again, a 4th time, I had let me family down. 3 days before Christmas I had lost another pregnancy. Another Christmas mourning the loss of a baby. Another Christmas I will never forget.

And Yes- I will be a Wonderful Mother

I know I haven't finished writing my story. I still have 2 more pregnancy losses to write about but a friend of mine sent me this and I really wanted to post it on here. It reads so true to my life.

A friend of mine just sent me this and I wanted to share it with you.

I WILL BE BETTER
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
And yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-UNKNOWN

More Heartache

October 20th 2008. I had negotiated a sweet deal with the adoption agency and obtained a grant that would save us some money on the fees. I was so excited. I had the papers in hand and had just called my husband to tell him the news. It was all coming together- finally! We had our home study scheduled for the next week and would sign the papers that night and get on board with the agency to help us locate a birth mom. I remember going into my co-workers office and giving her the great news. I was so excited I was floating.

Then the everything came crashing down in a blink of an eye.

My boss called me into her office. I will admit it. I had no idea what was about to happen. She knew of my plans to adopt and I had made sure I was working as hard as I could even though business was slow. She had been so supportive of our plans to adopt and I felt that being honest and up front with her and working my butt off would count for something. But it didn't. She laid me off. I felt me heart sink when she gave me the news. I didn't understand it but then I knew. When I asked her why me? She said she couldn't tell me but I knew. It was because I was the only one that didn't have children to support. My other co-worker was a single mom who had moved from another state to take the job. Everyone else in the company had little kids. I began crying. I even said, "This is because I don't have kids and I'm not a single mom isn't it?" She wouldn't give me an answer. I told her that now I couldn't qualify for adoption. There was no way I would get approved without a job and all she could say to me was "I'm sorry. I have to cut my ties."

I called my husband in tears and told him the news. I was laid off and that day would be my last day at the office. As I packed up my things and cried one of my co-workers came in and tried to tell me that this was based on a business decision. I told her, "no offense but that is crap and you and I both know it." I will spare everyone the details but if this was a business decision there was no way I should have been the first to go.

So I packed up my things, accepted my severance check and headed home to call my adoption agency and cancel my home study and let the other agency know what happened. I couldn't believe it. I had the contract in hand and was ready to sign and the rug was ripped from underneath me again! This was not fair. Hadn't I been through enough? 3 pregnancy losses, my dog had died while I was on a business trip, I was having trouble getting pregnant and now this? We had worked so hard towards this. My husband had even taken on a second job to save up for adoption and now I was jobless. This felt like another pregnancy loss to me because in a second my dreams of adoption were put on hold.

Inconceivable

Feeling extremely depressed I turned to a friend I met on the fertility boards and she sent me this book Inconceivable by Julia Indichova. What an amazing book!! It filled me with hope for the future. The author had been given the same news about her FSH levels and through changing her diet and altering her lifestyle she was able to successfully get pregnant and have her 2nd child after every Dr. she went to had told her she would need to use donor eggs. I immediately went to work. I did yoga, I did visualizations, I borrowed a juicer from my friend and started doing the morning cleanses, I ate organically, I took DHA pills, I did acupuncture once a week (which I loved) I did it all. I took herbs, I listened to imagery CDs. I did everything I could. I even called in on one of the author's call circles and listened to her speak to a bunch of women about infertility and overcoming it. I was a power house. I thought, I need to give this my all.

In the meantime we were still moving forward with adoption but I just had this feeling in me that I needed to give it one last shot before we proceeded with adoption 100%. I hadn't been pregnant in almost a year and thought, if I could just get pregnant one more time. I figured, if I lost that pregnancy I was meant to adopt, if I didn't maybe I was meant to adopt later. Who knew?

August: BFN (Big Fat Negative) Pregnancy test

September: BFN (and delayed period. Had to take Provera to get my period to start again)

October: BFN

That is when we finally had saved up enough money to sign on with an adoption agency to help us locate a birth mom. We were going to move forward with adoption.

Getting a 2nd Opinion

So- I had been with my fertility specialist for over a year now and decided that maybe it was time for a change. I didn't feel like I was getting the attention I needed and still had those memories of losing the 3rd baby whenever I went into the office.

We decided to try a new Dr. and he did a full work up. We finally knew conditions I had exactly by name. I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden (blood clotting disorder treated with heparin or lovenox injections) I had done this already in the 3rd pregnancy but it was nice to know which clotting disorder I had. I also had MTHFR Heterozygous which basically meant that I had a folic acid deficiency and required I take folic acid 3 times a day (which I had already been doing anyways). My progesterone was fine but I would continue doing that anyway just as a precaution. My FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) looked a little high so the new Dr. decided that we would do the Clomid Challenge.

Clomid Challenge:

The clomid challenge test is an evaluation of female pituitary hormone levels. The test utilizes the fertility medication Clomid (clomiphene citrate) to increase the accuracy of finding women with decreased ovarian reserve. The clomid challenge test is also known as the clomid challenge, the clomiphene challenge test, the clomiphene citrate challenge or simply CCCT.

Here is how the clomid challenge test (CCCT) is performed.

1. Call the office with the first day of your full flow period. (Day 1). When you call, be prepared to schedule an appointment for either Day 2 or 3 and Day 10 or 11.
2. Day 2 or 3-Come to the office for your blood test and a transvaginal ultrasound.
3. On Day 5, start taking the clomiphene citrate tablets. Each pill contains 50 mg. You will take two pills each day (a total of 100 mg) for 5 days.
4. Day 10 or 11- Come to the office for your final blood test (FSH only).
5. That’s it! You're done

I scored a 10.6 on CD (cycle day) 5 and a 14 on CD 10. Not good results.

They told me I had a 30% chance of IVF working with my own eggs and an 85% chance of IVF working with donor eggs. This broke my heart. I couldn't believe it. I was only 28 years old! My eggs were too old? How could this be? We sat in on a consult with the IVF coordinator and cringed at the prices. We talked to her and said that we would like to look at the donor egg prices as well. I said, "but even if I did donor egg I could still try again later with my own right?"
Her response was, "with an FSH of 14 you should just stick with the donor eggs." That pissed me off. Who was she to say that I couldn't have a baby with my own eggs? I immediately I felt like the office we were in just wanted to rush us into IVF with donor eggs and call it a day. Leaving the office my husband and I decided that we would take some time to think about everything.

Because of my elevated FSH and my 3 miscarriages, I didn't qualify for the money back guarantee so if it didn't work we would be our about 20K which we didn't have anyways.

We decided to go ahead and put any money we were going to save towards adoption. It was hard enough losing babies getting pregnant on my own but to lose a baby after paying 20K would be even harder to handle.

I just couldn't put myself or my husband through that disappointment and heartache so we figured we would explore adoption and continue trying on our own.