It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...

"It's irrelevant to dwell on the past...we can't erase what was meant to be" -UNKNOWN

This is a very tough quote for me because it is so hard for me to let go of my past losses. I understand what it is saying but I still find it hard to believe that I was meant to lose 6 pregnancies.

I can understand that I had my 5 losses so that I would be blessed with Kayla. I totally get that. If I hadn't experienced those 5 miscarriages Kayla would have never entered our lives and become our daughter. I can't imagine my life without Kayla. She is such a miracle.

What I don't understand is why my 6th pregnancy didn't survive. That was my chance to make Kayla a big sister and to finally carry a pregnancy to term. I guess hindsight is 20/20 and everything will unveil itself at the right time. I just wish and hope that is sooner rather than later.

It's Amazing What A Walk Through the Park Can Do

It's amazing what a walk through the park can do.
This past weekend I experienced the insensitivity of someone who takes pregnancy for granted. I won't go into the specifics because it really isn't worth repeating but the comment was crass and very inappropriate. The rest of the night I was a ball of emotions. I was angry one moment sad the next. I can't stand it when people take their pregnancy and ability to carry to term for granted like it's nothing. Don't they realize how lucky they are? Don't they realize I would trade places with them in a heartbeat?


I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and down about my infertility and pregnancy losses. I decided to take my nephew to the park since I was watching him. (my daughter was home with my husband taking a nap). I put him in the jogger and headed out to our neighborhood park. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, there were kids on the swings and families having picnics on the grass. It was a typical Spring day in Arizona. For some reason just being outside lifted my spirits immensely. It was nice to get out and pretend I was a kid again as I went down the slides with my nephew and pushed him on the swings. I felt free from all of the stress of family drama, multiple miscarriages, etc. Maybe I felt so good because I felt like our 3rd baby, our son Devon, was with us that day. He would have been just 2 months older than my nephew Carter. It really is amazing how getting out and being around people and children can actually help you feel better when you are down.


Tonight I had a good cry. A close friend of mine is pregnant again (unexpectedly) and I am happy for her but also sad because I really want that for myself. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. I want one of my pregnancies to have a happy ending like everyone else around me. I often ask myself, "what are they doing right that I'm not?" "Why don't I deserve to have a successful pregnancy?" 6 miscarriages in 4 years is unbelievable. I am so thankful for my daughter. I really truly am, but I just can't let go of the fact that I want to give her a little brother or sister and I want to do it myself through my own body. I wish I could let this go but I can't. I love being a mom so much I guess I just want more. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I thank God every night for our precious daughter Kayla. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life. But I also wish I could participate in those pregnancy conversations with other women around me. Talk about cravings and weight gain and how long I was in labor with Kayla for. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Why do I want the experience of pregnancy so badly? Maybe it is because I have only experienced the disappointment and heartbreaking side of pregnancy instead of the joys and happiness that those have experienced all around me.


This post started is kind of weird. I started writing it earlier today and I guess my emotions have done a 180. Just feeling kind of down right now. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The View, RESOLVE, & The Walk of Hope

I am so glad The View dedicated an entire show to Infertility and Multiple Miscarriages. Too many couples experience this heartbreaking journey. Please take some time to watch this 38 min episode.

To see segment go to the link below:
http://abc.go.com/watch/the-view/167365/252234/the-view-225


If you are going through the struggle to start your family please also consider joining RESOLVE- The National Infertility Association. They were a huge support system for me when I was "unresolved" and I met some amazing women with whom I am very close friends with still today.

RESOLVE Website:

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer

Join us for the Walk of Hope March 20th!

http://www.resolve.org/site/Calendar/540182735?view=Detail&id=35161

The Walk of Hope is held to give hope to those facing infertility and to celebrate those families formed through adoption and medical intervention. For 1 in 8 couples in the United States, the dream of creating a family is a long, emotional and expensive journey. Infertility is a devastating disease, touching every aspect of life - physical, emotional, spiritual and financial.
RESOLVE works to increase public awareness of the issues surrounding infertility and the various family-building options available to those facing this disease.

4 Years TTC and Carry to Term

I actually wrote this back in January and forgot to post it for some reason:

ugh I'm depressed now. They just announced that a co-worker is pregnant with her 3rd baby and is due May 1st. I was due May 8th with the last pregnancy. At least I will only have to see her once next week when I fly for my business trip and won't have to attend a baby shower or anything. I don't do baby showers anyways. I am very happy for her but sad for me. I hate this feeling. Guess I will get over it like I have in the past. It just sucks feeling this way.

I have many sleepless nights thinking about why I can't carry to term. It's something I think about every single day. Every night I pray that God will let me have just 1 successful pregnancy and birth. It will be 4 years since we started TTC (trying to conceive) on Feb 14th. 4 years!

My brain won't shut it off . I keep trying to solve the puzzle and it just frustrates me more. The one thing I am holding on to is that I read in a booked called Coming to Term that if a woman keeps trying enough times eventually one pregnancy will stick and result in a live healthy birth even without medical intervention.(although I still use the progesterone and lovenox when I am pregnant) My doctor has said this as well. To anyone reading-If you don't believe this to be true please don't tell me. I still believe anything is possible.

I feel guilty because I know if my husband would have married someone else he would have a baby or 2 or 3 by now. It breaks my heart that I can't give this to him and that I have been pregnant 6 times and not 1 has survived. Just doesn't seem fair.


I do realize I need to focus on what I have and be grateful. It could be so much worse. I am blessed that I have a beautiful baby girl who lights up my life. Although I didn't give birth to her I love her as if I had more than anyone could possibly know. I am experiencing the joys of motherhood.

So yes- I am very lucky in the fact that I am a mother, I have an amazing child and husband, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, etc. It's just hard to focus on those things when you want the other things so badly and everyone around you seems to get it the easy way.

Feeling Kind of Sad Right Now

A week ago today I lost my little puppy Gidget. She was my baby doll, my cuddle bug. We don't know what happened exactly. She was fine Sunday night and then Monday morning everything just went down hill. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, and was moaning. I took her to the vet and they thought she may have pancreatitis. They took an x-ray, gave her some fluids, gave me some meds and sent me home. Just a few hours later she died in my arms. It is kind of a double edged sword. I'm glad she didn't die alone and I was holding and kissing her as she took her last breath but I'm also heart broken I had to witness it.

See, Gidget was more than a puppy. She was with me through each one of my 6 pregnancy losses. Each time I would come home from the doctor's office with the bad news that another baby had passed away she was there to lick away my tears and cuddle with me. When we adopted our daughter Kayla I remember picking her up and telling her, "See Gidg? This is what we have been waiting so long for!" I may be crazy but I totally felt like she "got it" and understood what I was saying. It's hard to believe that she is gone. I will miss her dearly. I love you Gidgi.

9/25/05-12/28/09

The past 10 years 2000-2010

Here are my 00's from 2000-2010


2 internships,
1 college graduation,
6 jobs (yes 6 LOL I didn't stay put for too long at one place),
1 layoff
2 boyfriends
1 husband
2 honeymoons (first one was ruined by hurricane),
4 car accidents- 2 cars which were total losses,
6 pregnancies
6 miscarriages
2 surgeries
bought 2 houses
3 dogs
1 cat
1 adoption
1 daughter

Man a lot has happened in 10 years! Isn't it crazy?

Here is to an amazing 2010!

Christmas 2009 and Looking On to 2010

What an amazing Christmas 2009 turned out to be! Becoming a mom is the greatest gift I was given this year. Kayla received tons of presents! We hosted our family holiday party, like we do every year, and opened presents as a family of 3 Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas has always been watching others open up their presents. Watching their faces light up when they get that gift they have been wanting. It’s what makes the holiday for me.

Guess I have a little of the after Christmas blues although I don't think they are blues because the holiday is gone. It is more of a sadness because pretty much everyone around me is pregnant. Guess it is just hard because I should still be pregnant right now with my 6th pregnancy. I seriously know about 5 or 6 people due around the time I would have been in 2010. I thought this strong feeling to want to carry to term and give birth would go away once I became a mom through adoption but I just can't shake it. I LOVE being a mommy and I LOVE Kayla so much but there is still something inside me that won't let go and let me give up on carrying a pregnancy to term myself. I want more than anything to give Kayla a sibling and although I will totally adopt again I just really want to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy living baby. It's so frustrating to feel this way still. I feel so bad. How come being a mommy isn't enough for me? How come I still want to be pregnant and have that pregnant belly and experience giving birth? Having Kayla has been a true miracle and I am so proud and lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I can’t imagine my life without her and I Thank God every single night that He has blessed me with such a wonderful little girl. I guess I just sit and wonder if I will ever be able to give her a sibling myself. I want her to have a little brother or sister if not 2. I wish I had the freedom, like most women do, to decide when I will have my second child, get pregnant, and know that baby will actually be born and not end in another miscarriage. It’s so weird to think that just 5 years ago I had no clue having a family would be such a challenge. I just can’t give up yet. I still feel it will happen one day and when it does, I will be ready.

2009 brought many blessings my way. Here is to an even more amazing 2010!