The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.

Feeling Conflicted

Tonight I got home and there was a packet from the adoption agency we used back in 2009 to adopt our daughter.  They are offering us an amazing deal to sign on with them again (by march 20th) to bring home another baby.  I want this sooooo bad!  But I know my hubby is going to say no.  I have this burning desire to have a newborn again and I'm so burnt out on trying this on my own.  Am I just thinking about giving up too soon?

As I sit here at the computer I feel like crying.  I've thought about how to approach my husband about this.  I have even thought about telling him I will give up acupuncture (which would save us $400-$500 a month) buying the wheat grass shots, spending the money on progesterone cream and vitamins, staying in this house I hate as long as he wants, and giving up TTC (trying to conceive) thing altogether.  But then a part of me wonders, Am I giving up on myself too soon?  Or is 8 miscarriages enough?  Where is my breaking point?  Will this offer from our agency come around again in a year or 2 after I've tried carrying to term with acupuncture?  Ugh I just wish I was rich. If I was I would sign back on with my adoption agency AND keep trying for my keeper.

I feel so lost.  I want to have at least 2 children (always wanted 3) and I of course would love to carry a pregnancy to term and do it myself but this opportunity to adopt and bring home another baby in 2011 is here.  I envy those celebrities who can pay for whatever they want sometimes.

My whole plan for 2011 was this:

1. Continue acupuncture (which I have been doing since May of 2010)
2. take wheat grass daily
3. take B12, B6, folic acid, Fish Oil, etc everyday
4. Get pregnant and get to the point of seeing a heartbeat and see if acupuncture can sustain the pregnancy all the way through.

If the above didn't work I wanted to adopt #2 or try a different fertility route.

But now this opportunity has presented itself and it is tugging at my heart strings.

I just want to cry.  Why can't having a baby be easier :'(

BTW month #2 of trying and it was another BFN (Big Fat Negative)

When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Unknown

I've been playing around with what to name my blog.  "My Journey to Motherhood" seemed so general and uninteresting.  So I'm going with a quote I found today that is helping me to keep going.  I must admit, I'm wavering.  I'm having doubts, but then something in me silences those doubts and says "what if...  What if the next time works?  What if next time I do carry to term and give birth?"  I just can't give up.

I'm currently in the 2WW  (two week wait) and have been having a very emotional day.  For some reason I just feel like crying.  Not sure why.  I just do.  Maybe it's work, maybe it's where I am in my cycle, maybe it's the challenge of handling a toddler entering the terrible twos!  (Of course I wouldn't change a thing so I won't complain). I love being a momma and that is why I am still pushing forward to carry my first pregnancy to term and give birth.  Adoption has been a wonderful blessing in our lives but I want my daughter to have a little brother or sister.  I want to be a family of 4. 

Does Anybody Even Read my Posts?

Does anybody even read my posts?  Who knows.  But I guess this is a good outlet for me to get my feelings out.  Feeling kind of down today.  What's new right?  I totally thought last month was going to be a BFP but it wasn't.  This cycle I got the surge on CD 11 which is early but we are still going to give it a go.  It's so frustrating.  Nothing is ever on MY timing or MY terms.  I wish there was a genie in a bottle that could grant me 3 wishes.  Obviously we all know what my first wish would be. 

1. To carry a successful pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby
2. to have enough money to do the things my family has always wanted to do

The 3rd wish? I guess I would give it away to someone else who needed it or wish for all of of my family and friends to remain healthy and happy.

No one said life was going to be easy but they didn't tell me it was going to be so damn hard either!  I'm only 31 and I feel like an old lady.  With 8 miscarriages under my belt I feel like I have been around the world and back...the infertility world that is.  I never thought I would know so much about how the female body works or about Chinese Medicine, or the adoption world.  So many people come to me when they have a miscarriage or a question about adoption and I am always willing to help but honestly.... I wish I didn't know so much due to my own experiences.

I feel so lost. Like I'm constantly searching for the answer as to why I can't carry a pregnancy to term.  Is it something I am eating? Drinking? Applying to my skin? Washing my Hair with? Or it something I'm just not doing right?  I wish someone could give me the answer.  Please someone give me the answer!!!

Feb 14th 2011 marks 5 years of my husband and I trying to a successful pregnancy.  5 years.  Don't get my wrong. I am truly thankful for everything I have.  Our successful adoption of our beautiful amazing aughter Kayla and my wonderful marriage are things I don't take for granted ever.

People say if anyone deserves to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth it is me. They say I should be first in line.  But why doesn't God agree?  When will it be my turn?  I've been so patient, I've believed, but in the end I've had my heart broken and stopped on 8 times.  I still remember my first loss.  Laying on the bathroom floor, holding my belly, crying and pleading to God to let me keep my baby.  I will never forget that.  I've heard time can heal almost anything but I just don't know about this one.  Will there ever be a day I don't think about my precious babies that have passed?   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiFTXckh0zU&feature=related (Enya- Watermark)

Almost There!

Well, It's a good thing I didn't write on my blog Sunday or Monday because I was really down in the dumps. I went back and watched Devon's (baby number 3) ultrasound video of his little heartbeat and had a nice big cry. I was just really emotional because our first month of actually trying in 2011 was a bust.  BFN (Big Fat negative).  But today I'm filled with hope.  For some reason I feel like I'm Almost There and I plan on shouting it to the roof tops when I give birth one day.  I added to my Vision Board with more pictures and words of encouragement. 

This song from Princess and the Frog (such a cute movie by the way) gives me hope.  I'm going to keep trying and pushing forward. I CAN and WILL do this.  I wish Happy Endings were as easy to get like they are in the Disney Movies. 

"There's been trials and tribulations

You know I've had my share

But I've climbed the mountain, I've crossed the river

And I'm almost there, I'm almost there

I'm almost there!"

(From Princess and The Frog)

Miscarriage #8

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy).  I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it.  At first I had wavering feelings.  How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster?  But then I thought, "I can't go out like this!  It wasn't even planned!"  I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for.  One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is.  Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one.  At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward. 

See ya 2010!  Can't say I will miss you all that much.  It's been a rough year.

Pregnancy # 8

Well, I am pregnant again but already having spotting so I'm not very hopeful. I was planning on waiting until next month to give it a go. I only took the test this morning because I wanted to ensure it was a negative because I have been taking topical (OTC) progesterone. I literally gasped when it turned positive. Went for bloodwork yesterday but I won't know anything until later this morning. Ugh I am so not ready to go through this again :( I wanted to have all of my ducks in a row before trying this time. I ate horrible, drank coffee, missed an acupucuture sesssion. We honeslty didn't even try and were trying to be very careful. I would be estastic if I knew I was going to get my happy ending but everytime it ends the same. :( I can't believe this is pregnancy number 8 for me. I've been pregnant 8 times in 5 years and had 0 live births.


I have a feeling this is another chemical though since I have had spotting all week. I'm on CD 26 and ovulated early. (CD 10) which leads me to believe the egg wasn't ready even though it released. I was really hoping to start off the New Year fresh. :'( I'm so depressed and bummed right now. I feel like a slave to my own body.