Miscarriage #8

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy).  I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it.  At first I had wavering feelings.  How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster?  But then I thought, "I can't go out like this!  It wasn't even planned!"  I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for.  One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is.  Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one.  At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward. 

See ya 2010!  Can't say I will miss you all that much.  It's been a rough year.

Pregnancy # 8

Well, I am pregnant again but already having spotting so I'm not very hopeful. I was planning on waiting until next month to give it a go. I only took the test this morning because I wanted to ensure it was a negative because I have been taking topical (OTC) progesterone. I literally gasped when it turned positive. Went for bloodwork yesterday but I won't know anything until later this morning. Ugh I am so not ready to go through this again :( I wanted to have all of my ducks in a row before trying this time. I ate horrible, drank coffee, missed an acupucuture sesssion. We honeslty didn't even try and were trying to be very careful. I would be estastic if I knew I was going to get my happy ending but everytime it ends the same. :( I can't believe this is pregnancy number 8 for me. I've been pregnant 8 times in 5 years and had 0 live births.


I have a feeling this is another chemical though since I have had spotting all week. I'm on CD 26 and ovulated early. (CD 10) which leads me to believe the egg wasn't ready even though it released. I was really hoping to start off the New Year fresh. :'( I'm so depressed and bummed right now. I feel like a slave to my own body.

On a Good Day

Today I woke up with a feeling of total saddness. I don't know what brought it on.  Was it watching my month old nephew yesterday?  Was it the millions of pregnancy/birth annoucements I keep hearing?  Is it because this is the last month of "Taking a Break" before we start trying again and I am deathly afraid of losing pregnancy number 8 when we start trying again in 2011?  So many things are running through my mind. I've worked so hard but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.  It's all so overwhelming and I am exhausted.  I started losing hope that I will ever carry to term and give birth and needed a good friend to help talk me down from the ledge. I don't know how she does it but some how she puts that hope and fight back in me when I feel like I am about to give up.  I was on Facebook and my husband's cousin posted this song.  It totally spoke to me.  Below are the lyrics and the youtube video.  It's a very relaxing song that puts me at ease for some reason.

Oceanlab- On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...A little bit lonely

Little bit cold here

A little bit feared

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

And it feels like me

On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit cold

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me

On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day