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Thursday, October 21, 2010

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

Feeling kind of lost right now.  Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now.  When are things going to get easier?  Will they ever?  Life is so frustrating sometimes. 

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ?  Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.  Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much.  I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

 Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday.  (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone.  I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

  • October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
  • October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
  • October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon.  Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my  supportive friends.  It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.
Thank You!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Feeling Depressed

 I’m feeling really depressed right now. I’ve been super sick with first a sore throat, then pink eye, and now an ear infection. My ear has been clogged for over a week now. I am so miserable living in our old house.  (we short sold our other home due to the real estate crash in Phoenix but moved back into our rental property downtown that we lived in when we were first married.)  I miss my old neighborhood and my old house with my beautiful backyard and amazing kitchen. It’s been a hard adjustment. I know I know I am probably just being a spoiled brat but I am so unhappy.

Another reason I am so depressed is everyone is having their babies now. On facebook it is like baby overload. I want it so badly. I LOVE Kayla with all my heart but I want to post pregnant belly pics like everyone else. I want that pic of me in the hospital bed with Kayla and my hubby holding the new baby I just gave birth to.  I miss when K was an infant.  This toddler stage is a blast and I am having so much fun but I still feel like there is a little one missing. Does that make sense? My life feels so incomplete since I haven’t carried a pregnancy to term like everyone else around me. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I had to hang out with my friend yesterday and she is 38 weeks pregnant with number 2. I’m so jealous of her belly.

Then to top it all off I was watching Desperate Housewives last night and almost the whole show was about Lynette’s baby and she was so cute and cuddly. I want that again and again and again. Maybe I’m just going through a depressed mood because October is when I lost both of the babies that had heartbeats. Maybe my body remembers that subconsciously every year and it pulls me into a tailspin of depression. I just don’t know.  I feel like the only way I am going to have another baby is if I can do it through my own body because my hubby doesn’t seem to want to pursue another adoption anytime soon. I wish I could just let this go and be happy with what I have.   I love my daughter as if I carried her for 9 months but I still feel like I'm missing out on a wonderful amazing experience.  I love being a mommy and I am so ready for number 2. 

Sorry for my downer post.  I know I am blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, a roof over my head and a job.  I guess I just want more.

Monday, October 4, 2010

It's a Crazy Busy Life!

I know it has been awhile since I have written on this blog.  Life has been soooo busy.I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions all at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I have been dealing with some medical drama and and we also moved to our other property downtown which has been very stressful. We are in the process of selling our other house and it is taking forever given the Phoenix housing climate. On top of that, work has been kicking my butt!!I seriously just need a break a vacation or something! 

On to the medical drama. I have been having burning and tingling for the past month throughout my body. In fact as I type this my palms are burning and itching. I checked online and totally freaked myself out because I saw that they were symptoms of MS. I was convinced I had it. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac) I even went to the ER one morning my palms were so burning so bad. They literally felt like they were on fire but when I looked at them they didn't look red or any different. The ER did a CT scan and everything looked fine. Said it was anxiety. Then I went to my doc and asked him to order an MRI. That came back normal. Bloodwork was normal too. So now I am at a loss. Maybe it is just stress and anxiety?A lot of changes have been going on in my life so that could be it. I am now taking klonopin at night to help me sleep better and also help with anxiety.

Dr. Yau, my acupuncturist, said it wasn’t anything serious. He said he can tell by your pulse and your tongue if you have a serious illness or not and that I was an easy fix. I sure hope he is right! He said I was holding in too much heat in my body and has been treating me for anxiety, heat, and hormone imbalance.  Something about having too much yin and not enough yang? Dr. Yau said we could probably start trying again in 2 months but I think we are going to wait until Jan 2011 to start again. Why add more stress to the holidays you know?

We had our family camping trip this past weekend. I'm not much of a camper but it was pretty fun. We took K to her first Cardinals Football game 2 weekends ago as well. She is talking up a storm and has used the potty twice so far! I can't believe she will be 18 months next week!  I have to admit.  I LOVE being a mama.I just really want the entire pregnancy experience as well. I am so in love with Kayla. She is such a miracle I still can’t believe she is ours!!

I was watching an old Grey's Anatomy episode last week and it got me thinking.  Why, when we are so young, are we in such a hurry to grow up?  I miss those days where my biggest worry was which friend should I invite over after school or what if I don't find that perfect dress for the dance.  Now life is filled with all sorts of worries.  Health, financial, fertilty, etc.  Sometimes I wish I could just be 18 months again.  Wake up, play all day, eat, and take naps.  Maybe if I had known then what I know now, I would have appreciated it more. 

K with her cousin
 Family pic at our camping trip
 At the Cardinals Football Game!