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Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Ones I've Never Met

The Ones I've Never Met

What do you do when you feel so alone? Who do you turn to when no one picks up the phone?
When people are tired of hearing your cries
and listening to the same stories about your millions of good-byes.

When people think you 're crazy for wanting this so bad. They can't possibly understand what it feels like to yearn for that experience everyone else has had.

To go through this life and not give birth seems so unreal
I'm a woman, I was born to do this, to procreate, that's how I feel. 

For so many it seems to come so easily,
Why can't one of those lucky people be me?

When I look in the mirror I wonder if I will ever see
myself rubbing my belly and feeling my precious baby.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney movie,
where every one's dreams come true and they all live happily.

The loss is so deep. I can't let it go.
I think about them everyday more than anyone can know.

8 pregnancies lost how could it be?
Will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be free?

The pain is so hard I sometimes wish I could forget
The 8 babies I've lost
the ones I have never met.

-Lisa Watson

*I feel like I have to say this because after I wrote this poem I felt guilty.  My desire to give birth to a baby is no reflection of my love for my daughter Kayla.  SHE IS MY WORLD.  I wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is and say I carried her myself.  I wish I could tell her about the day she was born and show her pictures of her and I just minutes after her birth but I can't.  I met my amazing daughter on July 6th 2009 when she was almost 3 months old. She is a true miracle and my world would be so empty without her. 
Kayla- I love you more than you could possibly imagine. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.