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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My 2 Miracles!!

Kayla Sophia born 4/12/09
adopted 7/6/09
Livie Marie born 4/29/12
10 weeks early due to pPROM
(preterm premature rupture of membranes)
after 8 pregnancy losses


Sunday, August 26, 2012



-the fear of seeing their child for the first time.
-that Brady's are not referring to the Brady Bunch.
-what CPAP means.
-the pain of not holding your child for days
-the workings of an isolette.
-what each beep means.
-how important kangaroo care is (to baby and mom/dad).
-that a parent's job is to fix whatever hurts their child - and know the pain of realizing you can't.
-what a PICC Line is.
-just how important surfactant is, and what it is for that matter.
-understands the realism of adjusted ages.
-what it feels like to cry the first time you see your baby in a crib.
-the agony over sending birth announcements.
-how amazing tiny fingers feel clenched to your hand.
-finally understands the metric system.
-there are no choices in the NICU - you have to be strong.
-cracked and bleeding hands from washing them so much and coating them constantly with hand sanitizer.
-how hard it is to trust 100+ people you have never met before care for the child for whom you have waited a lifetime.
-what it's like to argue with each other over who changes the diaper - because you both want to - its a chance to touch your baby.
-every inch of their NICU, what walls they cried against, what nurseries they 'lived in', -what shifts each doctor, nurse, therapist, and staff member works.
-that you will be a germaphobe for at least the next 2 years, people will think you are weird, and you will know you are literally saving your child's life.
-50 nurses by name, and their kids' names.
-Can give better directions to the cafeteria, gift shop and parking lot than the employees.
-that every day in the NICU makes you one of the lucky ones.
-just how important each new day is and how much significance a new day holds.
-Sure, every day to a parent of a healthy, full term baby means a lot, but we go in not knowing... and that is scary

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Updates! Updates! Updates!

Well I have great news to report!  I was offered 2 jobs on the same day.  Naturally I chose the one closer to home so I could still come home for lunch to see Livie.  The job doesn't start until mid September but that is okay because that means I get to spend extra time with Livie and K.  My dad will watch Livie during the week and I am looking for someone right now to take her 2 days a week so my dad doesn't get burnt out.

Also- Livie is about 8 pounds now and will be 4 months old this Wednesday!  Our NICU follow up nurse is coming on Monday so we will have an official weight and length measurement then.  I'm also taking her to get pictures done on Wednesday so I'm tryng to find some cute little outfits to put together.  She has moved up to size 1 diapers and we are almost outgrowing our newborn clothes and wearing 0-3 months!

And today she did awesome at Tummy Time and was able to lift herself up more than she has ever done.  We are working on gripping toys and rolling over as well.  She is so much fun.

Big Sis Kayla is doing great in preschool and always comes home singing songs.  She is so darn smart!  In gymnastics they are talking about moving her to the 4-5 year old class because she is doing so well in the 2-3 year old class. 

We have a lot going on these days.  So happy things are working out after having such a rough Spring and Summer. 

Friday, August 10, 2012

Livie Marie is 1 month old (adjusted age)

Had Livie arrived on her due date she would be 1 month old today.  It's hard to believe she will be 4 months actual on the 29th!  I look at her in awe and still can't believe she is here and that we finally did it. 
me and my girls!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Nothing in life is perfect

Feeling kind of down a lot lately.  I feel like I am letting everyone down because I was laid off from my job.  It's only been 4 weeks since I was let go so I know I need to give it more time but I want to be able to provide for my family.  I get into these moments of bitterness towards the company that laid me off.  After everything that we have been through this year, some of which I have not written about on this blog, how could they let me go with a preemie newborn at home? I'm the only one that lost their job in the company.  It would have been the perfect situation so that I could stay home and be with Livie and still make decent money.  I know things happen for a reason and I love the time I have with Livie right now but in the back of my mind I have this worry about what is going to happen when the money runs out.  I've had an interview every week since I was laid off which is promising but no offers yet. 

It's a Catch 22.  I need a job so we can pay our bills but I don't want to leave Livie to go into an office.  Guess I'm just torn.  For almost 4 years I had the perfect set up and I was counting on that same set up for Livie.  She needs me more than ever right now.  I just feel so scorned and screwed over by yet another small company who I thought cared and was different from the rest.  They were so supportive and I was always honest about the things I was going through and never let my job performance suffer.  Even through my many miscarriages I never took days off to recover. I kept pushing forward and now that I finally have my miracle baby I feel like the rug was ripped from underneath me.  I guess when it comes down to it I feel betrayed.  With Kayla's adoption they were so supportive and happy for me.  With Livie's birth I was treated the exact opposite.  It just goes to show that no company is who they say they are.  Things change.  People change and when it comes to money nothing matters but the dollars in the bank or lack there of.  The song Wide Awake from Katy Perry comes to mind and when I listen to it I feel empowered but also hurt and angry.  I know now that I will never be so open with my employer about the things going on in my personal life.  I will never trust when they say my health and safety and family come first because it's not true. 

Things have been a little challenging lately.  We've been battling reflux issues with Livie and been to the doc every week.  I just want her to feel better.  It makes me want to burst in to tears when she is in pain from constipation, or throwing up her formula.  Thankfully things are getting a little better.  We are on reflux meds and we have changed formula and doctors.  We may have to see a GI doc at Phoenix Children's if this keeps up but I am told it is very typical for preemies. 

This time away from working has been nice since I have had more time with my girls.  I went swimming with Kayla tonight and spend the days with Livie and clean house, run errands etc but by the end of the day I am exhausted and frustrated with the heat.  Sorry to give myself a pity party.  I think I am just trying to do everything perfectly and when I fall short I get disappointed in myself.  I'm trying to let things go and just let God and the Universe take over.  This bitterness isn't good for me.  Jobs will come and go.  The important thing is that I have my beautiful Livie and Kayla and my supportive husband.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Nothing in life is perfect so I need to stop trying to be perfect myself and accept things as they come.