I actually wrote this back in January and forgot to post it for some reason:
ugh I'm depressed now. They just announced that a co-worker is pregnant with her 3rd baby and is due May 1st. I was due May 8th with the last pregnancy. At least I will only have to see her once next week when I fly for my business trip and won't have to attend a baby shower or anything. I don't do baby showers anyways. I am very happy for her but sad for me. I hate this feeling. Guess I will get over it like I have in the past. It just sucks feeling this way.
I have many sleepless nights thinking about why I can't carry to term. It's something I think about every single day. Every night I pray that God will let me have just 1 successful pregnancy and birth. It will be 4 years since we started TTC (trying to conceive) on Feb 14th. 4 years!
My brain won't shut it off . I keep trying to solve the puzzle and it just frustrates me more. The one thing I am holding on to is that I read in a booked called Coming to Term that if a woman keeps trying enough times eventually one pregnancy will stick and result in a live healthy birth even without medical intervention.(although I still use the progesterone and lovenox when I am pregnant) My doctor has said this as well. To anyone reading-If you don't believe this to be true please don't tell me. I still believe anything is possible.
I feel guilty because I know if my husband would have married someone else he would have a baby or 2 or 3 by now. It breaks my heart that I can't give this to him and that I have been pregnant 6 times and not 1 has survived. Just doesn't seem fair.
I do realize I need to focus on what I have and be grateful. It could be so much worse. I am blessed that I have a beautiful baby girl who lights up my life. Although I didn't give birth to her I love her as if I had more than anyone could possibly know. I am experiencing the joys of motherhood.
So yes- I am very lucky in the fact that I am a mother, I have an amazing child and husband, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, etc. It's just hard to focus on those things when you want the other things so badly and everyone around you seems to get it the easy way.
Monday, January 4, 2010
A week ago today I lost my little puppy Gidget. She was my baby doll, my cuddle bug. We don't know what happened exactly. She was fine Sunday night and then Monday morning everything just went down hill. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, and was moaning. I took her to the vet and they thought she may have pancreatitis. They took an x-ray, gave her some fluids, gave me some meds and sent me home. Just a few hours later she died in my arms. It is kind of a double edged sword. I'm glad she didn't die alone and I was holding and kissing her as she took her last breath but I'm also heart broken I had to witness it.
See, Gidget was more than a puppy. She was with me through each one of my 6 pregnancy losses. Each time I would come home from the doctor's office with the bad news that another baby had passed away she was there to lick away my tears and cuddle with me. When we adopted our daughter Kayla I remember picking her up and telling her, "See Gidg? This is what we have been waiting so long for!" I may be crazy but I totally felt like she "got it" and understood what I was saying. It's hard to believe that she is gone. I will miss her dearly. I love you Gidgi.