Wednesday, December 30, 2009
1 college graduation,
6 jobs (yes 6 LOL I didn't stay put for too long at one place),
2 honeymoons (first one was ruined by hurricane),
4 car accidents- 2 cars which were total losses,
bought 2 houses
Man a lot has happened in 10 years! Isn't it crazy?
Here is to an amazing 2010!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
What an amazing Christmas 2009 turned out to be! Becoming a mom is the greatest gift I was given this year. Kayla received tons of presents! We hosted our family holiday party, like we do every year, and opened presents as a family of 3 Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas has always been watching others open up their presents. Watching their faces light up when they get that gift they have been wanting. It’s what makes the holiday for me.
Guess I have a little of the after Christmas blues although I don't think they are blues because the holiday is gone. It is more of a sadness because pretty much everyone around me is pregnant. Guess it is just hard because I should still be pregnant right now with my 6th pregnancy. I seriously know about 5 or 6 people due around the time I would have been in 2010. I thought this strong feeling to want to carry to term and give birth would go away once I became a mom through adoption but I just can't shake it. I LOVE being a mommy and I LOVE Kayla so much but there is still something inside me that won't let go and let me give up on carrying a pregnancy to term myself. I want more than anything to give Kayla a sibling and although I will totally adopt again I just really want to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy living baby. It's so frustrating to feel this way still. I feel so bad. How come being a mommy isn't enough for me? How come I still want to be pregnant and have that pregnant belly and experience giving birth? Having Kayla has been a true miracle and I am so proud and lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I can’t imagine my life without her and I Thank God every single night that He has blessed me with such a wonderful little girl. I guess I just sit and wonder if I will ever be able to give her a sibling myself. I want her to have a little brother or sister if not 2. I wish I had the freedom, like most women do, to decide when I will have my second child, get pregnant, and know that baby will actually be born and not end in another miscarriage. It’s so weird to think that just 5 years ago I had no clue having a family would be such a challenge. I just can’t give up yet. I still feel it will happen one day and when it does, I will be ready.
2009 brought many blessings my way. Here is to an even more amazing 2010!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Finally things are back to normal with me physically. I was a little worried there because it was a good 6 weeks since my 6th loss before Aunt Flo finally showed up but I am now back on track.
There is still a part of me that wants to try this cycle but I know I just really need a break. I don't think I have the energy to endure another pregnancy and possibly another pregnancy loss right now. I just want to enjoy the holidays with my baby girl and my hubby and maybe give it another go sometime in 2010. I wish my desire to carry to term wasn't so strong but it is. I can't deny it and I just know I can't give up yet.
A ton of my friends are pregnant right now which is hard. I want to be right there with them. I should be right there with them :( I want to experience a successful pregnancy like everyone else around me. I still hold that dream very close to my heart.
Thankfully one of my dreams has finally come true. I am finally a mommy this Christmas and for that I am extremely grateful. I finally feel like I have a purpose. My job is to give this little precious baby the best upbringing possible. To give her a life full of so many possibilities and to teach her all of the things I have learned throughout my 30 years in life so far. I know I will remember this Christmas forever because I have waited so long to share it with my own baby. So I guess this Christmas I am going to choose to be at peace. I'm going to laugh, love, and enjoy every single minute of our first Christmas together as a family of 3.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Today I watched Cinderella with my 7 month old baby girl and for the first time in years I actually listened to the words in this song. I never realized how much this song spoke to me with all that I have been through with my pregnancy losses and my journey to motherhood. My dream of becoming a mother has come true which I am truly thankful for. Kayla is my little miracle and I look at her in awe every single day. If we have to adopt again to get #2 I am more than willing. I love her as if I carried her for 9 months. I only wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is.
Last week I had my follow up from the 6th pregnancy loss. Now the doc is saying that he thinks IVF or IVF with donors eggs isn't really an option because all it would do is get me pregnant faster and not guarantee a live birth. Since I have been able to get pregnant on my own in the past fairly quickly he thinks I should just keep trying until one sticks if I am up for it. I really wish someone would say, "here is the problem, and this is how we will fix it" but I know I will probably never hear that sentence.
There is just still something inside me that dreams I will have a successful pregnancy and carry to term one day. Am I crazy because I still believe it is going to happen? Maybe so.
In the meantime I will keep on believing.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday 10-5-09 it was in the 1000's
Monday 10-12 it was 101
Monday 10-19 it was 16
So I still have to go back again. They couldn't get anything to grow from the tissue I brought in so we don't have any answers on baby #6. :( I feel so depressed right now. Maybe it is better that I don't know the sex of the baby and whether it was normal or abnormal. I have a follow up appt on the 6th. We will see what they say.
I HATE THIS! I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’m so frustrated. I just want to carry 1 baby to term and give birth to a healthy baby. Just 1. That is all I want. I love being a mom and love Kayla so much. She truly is my miracle baby and the light of my life. I am so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. Adoption has been a blessing for all of us.
I just wish I didn't want this so badly. I just can't imagine never giving birth in this lifetime. I have always wanted an adopted child and a biological child. I want to have this experience, to have a successful pregnancy, carry to term, give birth, and give Kayla a sibling.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
October 2nd, 2009 (Missed Miscarriage)
Next week I am going to have to be out for a day for surgery. I found out today I am having my 6th miscarriage and they are going to do a D&C sometime next week but we aren’t sure when. They have to wait for the Lovenox to get out of my system before they can operate. (I have a blood clotting disorder so I have to take blood thinner injections when I am pregnant)
I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. It was a complete surprise and when I found out I just wanted to wait and see if this one would stick. Only my parents knew about this pregnancy and a few close friends. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks 3 days. Today I went back for a routine follow up ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days and found out the baby died a week and ½ ago. So this is my 6th miscarriage and my 2nd missed miscarriage as I didn’t have any symptoms to indicate anything was wrong. (and I still don’t) I should know more on Monday when they are going to schedule me for surgery. In the meantime there is no reason I can’t work next week so I am going to. Plus it will help me keep my mind off of things. It will be business as usual with the exception of the day I have surgery. This will be my 3rd D&C so I pretty much know what to expect afterwards. So tired of this crap. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can’t carry at least one to term?
I just don't understand why this keeps happening. 6 pregnancies 0 live births. Why do I keep getting pregnant if I can't keep them. It’s so unfair :( I'm so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I'm nauseous right now too. That's one of the worst parts. I still feel pregnant and the baby has been dead for almost 2 weeks :( It such a horrible feeling. I'm so tired of letting my husband and my parents down. I really want Kayla to have a sibling someday. The thing that also sucks is that my EDD was Mother's Day :(
I'm so angry right now. Will I ever get to buy maternity clothes? Will I ever get to have the bulging belly? Will I ever get out of the first trimester and get to do those exciting 3D ultrasounds?
Thank God I have Kayla. Having her makes it much easier. She is my saving grace. My miracle baby. I love her so much. I am so happy she was brought into our lives.
Mommy to Kayla Sophia & 6 angels
Ultrasound Picture from 9-18-09 with heartbeat of 132 BPM
HCG #1 150
HCG #2 390
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
In about 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
This song by Avril Lavigne puts into words exactly how much I miss my 5 angels:
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Na na na na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
Na na na na na
I miss you.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Okay- I think I am now ready to write more about the last 2 pregnancy losses.
I have been avoiding it since I just didn't really want to sit down and reflect on the past so much but I have decided that I need this blog to be more up-to-date so it coincides with our Adoption Journey.
Pregnancy Loss #4
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I received a call from a potential employer that wanted to fly me out to Chicago for an interview. I was so excited of course because getting a job meant I could continue on with my adoption journey and relieve some financial stress. I remember that night starting to worry- what if I am pregnant and I have to fly? (I wasn't supposed to fly in the first trimester since I am high risk) After thinking about it further I had decided that even if I was pregnant (which I totally thought I wasn't) I would go on the trip anyway. After all, I had done everything I could the last 3 times and it didn't work so why was I constantly postponing my life and rearranging my plans for "just in case" situations? I had to stop this. No matter what, I needed a job and I needed to move forward with my plans whether I was pregnant or not.
I found out the day after Thanksgiving 2009 that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had no idea because we weren't even trying. I was supposed to go shopping with friends on Black Friday but I was too scared to move. As soon as I got that BFP (Big Fat Positive) I was scared to death. I just laid in bed praying that this had all happened for a reason. Maybe I lost my job because I was supposed to put off adoption for a while and have my own? Maybe God didn't want me to spend all of that money when He was going to bless me with my own little miracle. After almost a year of trying I had given up (kind of) and we had moved on to adoption which we were very excited about.
I called my second RE right away and asked for the prescription of Lovenox (blood thinner) and began the shots in my belly immediately.
I went in to get a 3rd opinion but had to tell the doc he couldn't run anymore tests because I had just found out I was pregnant again. They ordered a blood test and I can't remember my HCG number but it was in the 200's I think which they were very happy with. When the nurse called to tell me the blood test results I actually called back to make sure she was talking to the right patient. I remember asking her if she was trying to reach me or if she meant to call another patient. She thought that was funny and reassured me that my blood test results were in fact mine.
That Thursday I went to Phoenix Children's Hospital to do some volunteer work. I had taken up volunteering there since I had lost my job and just wanted to get out there and be around people and help others at the same time. My job was to stuff the Child Car Seat Safety folders. That is when I got the second call from the nurse telling me my 2nd round of HCG blood test results had come in and everything looked good. They scheduled my first ultrasound a week before Christmas.
After getting off the phone I was happy but still nervous. I continued stuffing the folders with the car seat info and thought to myself how hard this task would have been if I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself that I would be buying my little one a car seat soon too and that this time it was going to all work out. After all I had been doing acupuncture for over 3 months every single week, taking vitamins and herbs, and eating organically for the past 3 months as well. I was even doing wheat grass shots every single morning. I knew I was doing everything I possibly could to keep this pregnancy viable. My acupuncturist even gave me this little heating stick that looked like a cigar that I was to use every single night and target certain points on my body to let the heat help with blood flow.
The week before my ultrasound I had to fly to Chicago for an interview in the dead of winter. It was a quick trip and I was so nervous. I cried every day because I was so scared that flying would cause me to miscarry but at the same time I knew I had to get on that plane because I had to get a job. If the pregnancy was successful I needed to be able to support that child. If it wasn't I needed to continue my adoption journey. After talking to the Hematologist and my RE and my acupuncturist I was given the green light to fly but had to flex my legs every 30 minutes and walk around whenever I could. I bet people on the plane thought I was nuts because I wouldn't stop moving or getting up. Every time I went to the bathroom I would stay in there for a good 5 min and just walk in place to keep my blood flowing. (kind of silly when I think back about it now) but I was scared. I even read a passage over and over again from the bible that a friend of mine at given me to help me stay sane.
The interview went great but I was so scared to get back on that plane. One of the friends I had met through RESOLVE was so sweet and arranged for her hubby to meet me in Chicago, since he was on his way back home from the east coast on a business trip, and he sat next to me on the plane ride back to Phoenix. I was so thankful and wasn't an emotional wreck like I had been on the way out there.
We arrived back home and my husband picked us up from the airport. I had survived the flights and the interview and was finally back home. The next week was when I would hear if I got the job and have my ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was viable. That whole weekend before I just tried to relax and stay calm. I listened to my relaxation Cd's and wouldn't even lift a finger to do laundry or chores around the house. That Tuesday I was at my acupuncturist and received the call from the company I had interviewed and I got the job! I was so excited. I kept thinking, "this is going to be a great week! I am no longer unemployed and I am going to get great results at the ultrasound and see a little heartbeat from our little one." I thought, everything is finally falling into place. This was meant to be.
Thursday morning we sat in the RE's office waiting for our appt. A couple was on their way out of the office and were gushing with joy because they had just had their ultrasound and were showing everyone in the office their Xmas surprise. I remember sitting there just wanting to ball my eyes out because I was so scared I wouldn't get the same news. All of the nurses were gathered around looking at the pictures of the ultrasound and saying "well I guess you guys will have a big announcement this Christmas won't you?" My husband turned to me and said, "you know, they really shouldn't be doing this right here in plain site of other patients." I just kind of nodded my head and agreed and went back to thinking positive things and envisioning the Dr. giving us good news.
I was so scared that I didn't even want to know my EDD (estimated Due Date) but it was on the screen right next to my name on the monitor. The Dr. performed the ultrasound and confirmed the pregnancy was in the uterus. We couldn't see a heartbeat but he saw a yolk sac forming and could see the baby developing. I was a little behind on my dates but he said that we didn't know exactly when I had ovulated so we shouldn't be too concerned. Of course I was. I had talked to other girls who had seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks. He sent us home and told us to come back in 10 days for a follow up.
THE DAY IT ALL ENDED
December 21st my mom and I were baking Christmas cookies and I started feeling cramps. I kept laying down hoping this was just the baby growing because it had been like that with my 3rd pregnancy right before we saw the heartbeat. On Dec 22nd I noticed a little spotting and of course was immediately upset. I thought, here we go again. We called the office and they had us come in for an appointment the next day. The night of December 22nd I was in excruciating pain. The miscarriage was starting and I was losing the baby. I didn't want to wake my husband because what could he have done but hold my hand so I let him sleep. I spent the entire night crying and running to the bathroom going through what I imagine labor must feel like. Early in the morning I passed the baby and collected the remains in a zip lock bag. I had been through this way to many times to know that I needed to collect what I could and bring it in for testing so we could hopefully get some answers.
My husband had a business meeting so he couldn't come with me to the appt so my mom came. I got into the room and when the Dr. came in I pulled out the zip lock bag and handed it to him. My mom just started crying. I think I was so numb that and tired from everything that had happened earlier that morning that I couldn't possible shed one more tear at the time. The RE took the remains and checked my uterus and confirmed it was now empty and that I had passed the baby. I knew that was what he would say and felt more sad for my mom than myself. Again, a 4th time, I had let me family down. 3 days before Christmas I had lost another pregnancy. Another Christmas mourning the loss of a baby. Another Christmas I will never forget.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A friend of mine just sent me this and I wanted to share it with you.
I WILL BE BETTER
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
And yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Then the everything came crashing down in a blink of an eye.
My boss called me into her office. I will admit it. I had no idea what was about to happen. She knew of my plans to adopt and I had made sure I was working as hard as I could even though business was slow. She had been so supportive of our plans to adopt and I felt that being honest and up front with her and working my butt off would count for something. But it didn't. She laid me off. I felt me heart sink when she gave me the news. I didn't understand it but then I knew. When I asked her why me? She said she couldn't tell me but I knew. It was because I was the only one that didn't have children to support. My other co-worker was a single mom who had moved from another state to take the job. Everyone else in the company had little kids. I began crying. I even said, "This is because I don't have kids and I'm not a single mom isn't it?" She wouldn't give me an answer. I told her that now I couldn't qualify for adoption. There was no way I would get approved without a job and all she could say to me was "I'm sorry. I have to cut my ties."
I called my husband in tears and told him the news. I was laid off and that day would be my last day at the office. As I packed up my things and cried one of my co-workers came in and tried to tell me that this was based on a business decision. I told her, "no offense but that is crap and you and I both know it." I will spare everyone the details but if this was a business decision there was no way I should have been the first to go.
So I packed up my things, accepted my severance check and headed home to call my adoption agency and cancel my home study and let the other agency know what happened. I couldn't believe it. I had the contract in hand and was ready to sign and the rug was ripped from underneath me again! This was not fair. Hadn't I been through enough? 3 pregnancy losses, my dog had died while I was on a business trip, I was having trouble getting pregnant and now this? We had worked so hard towards this. My husband had even taken on a second job to save up for adoption and now I was jobless. This felt like another pregnancy loss to me because in a second my dreams of adoption were put on hold.
Feeling extremely depressed I turned to a friend I met on the fertility boards and she sent me this book Inconceivable by Julia Indichova. What an amazing book!! It filled me with hope for the future. The author had been given the same news about her FSH levels and through changing her diet and altering her lifestyle she was able to successfully get pregnant and have her 2nd child after every Dr. she went to had told her she would need to use donor eggs. I immediately went to work. I did yoga, I did visualizations, I borrowed a juicer from my friend and started doing the morning cleanses, I ate organically, I took DHA pills, I did acupuncture once a week (which I loved) I did it all. I took herbs, I listened to imagery CDs. I did everything I could. I even called in on one of the author's call circles and listened to her speak to a bunch of women about infertility and overcoming it. I was a power house. I thought, I need to give this my all.
In the meantime we were still moving forward with adoption but I just had this feeling in me that I needed to give it one last shot before we proceeded with adoption 100%. I hadn't been pregnant in almost a year and thought, if I could just get pregnant one more time. I figured, if I lost that pregnancy I was meant to adopt, if I didn't maybe I was meant to adopt later. Who knew?
August: BFN (Big Fat Negative) Pregnancy test
September: BFN (and delayed period. Had to take Provera to get my period to start again)
That is when we finally had saved up enough money to sign on with an adoption agency to help us locate a birth mom. We were going to move forward with adoption.
We decided to try a new Dr. and he did a full work up. We finally knew conditions I had exactly by name. I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden (blood clotting disorder treated with heparin or lovenox injections) I had done this already in the 3rd pregnancy but it was nice to know which clotting disorder I had. I also had MTHFR Heterozygous which basically meant that I had a folic acid deficiency and required I take folic acid 3 times a day (which I had already been doing anyways). My progesterone was fine but I would continue doing that anyway just as a precaution. My FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) looked a little high so the new Dr. decided that we would do the Clomid Challenge.
The clomid challenge test is an evaluation of female pituitary hormone levels. The test utilizes the fertility medication Clomid (clomiphene citrate) to increase the accuracy of finding women with decreased ovarian reserve. The clomid challenge test is also known as the clomid challenge, the clomiphene challenge test, the clomiphene citrate challenge or simply CCCT.
Here is how the clomid challenge test (CCCT) is performed.
1. Call the office with the first day of your full flow period. (Day 1). When you call, be prepared to schedule an appointment for either Day 2 or 3 and Day 10 or 11.
2. Day 2 or 3-Come to the office for your blood test and a transvaginal ultrasound.
3. On Day 5, start taking the clomiphene citrate tablets. Each pill contains 50 mg. You will take two pills each day (a total of 100 mg) for 5 days.
4. Day 10 or 11- Come to the office for your final blood test (FSH only).
5. That’s it! You're done
I scored a 10.6 on CD (cycle day) 5 and a 14 on CD 10. Not good results.
They told me I had a 30% chance of IVF working with my own eggs and an 85% chance of IVF working with donor eggs. This broke my heart. I couldn't believe it. I was only 28 years old! My eggs were too old? How could this be? We sat in on a consult with the IVF coordinator and cringed at the prices. We talked to her and said that we would like to look at the donor egg prices as well. I said, "but even if I did donor egg I could still try again later with my own right?"
Her response was, "with an FSH of 14 you should just stick with the donor eggs." That pissed me off. Who was she to say that I couldn't have a baby with my own eggs? I immediately I felt like the office we were in just wanted to rush us into IVF with donor eggs and call it a day. Leaving the office my husband and I decided that we would take some time to think about everything.
Because of my elevated FSH and my 3 miscarriages, I didn't qualify for the money back guarantee so if it didn't work we would be our about 20K which we didn't have anyways.
We decided to go ahead and put any money we were going to save towards adoption. It was hard enough losing babies getting pregnant on my own but to lose a baby after paying 20K would be even harder to handle.
I just couldn't put myself or my husband through that disappointment and heartache so we figured we would explore adoption and continue trying on our own.
I had a friend of mine help me with the gift. I have this thing where I have to personalize everything when I give gifts so I had 3 onies embroidered with the baby's initials, a bib, a bag, and a wooden letter with his name on it. I wrote a letter to my SIL (sister-in-law) but decided that I should just tell her in person why I couldn't go. The day I invited her over I was so nervous. My heart was pounding. I could feel it in my chest. I knew it would hurt to tell her I couldn't attend her shower. I knew it would hurt to see her pregnant. I knew it would hurt, but I also knew I had to face this head on.
She came over and I started to read the letter to her but couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. I just handed her the letter and once she was done we talked and I gave her the presents. I felt so much better after that although I still felt filled with sadness and what should have been one of the happiest times in my life. I should have been having a baby shower or inviting friends to come over and see our new son but instead I was mourning the loss still and disappointed from a recent failed medicated cycle.
The day my nephew was born was a hard one. I was so happy for my BIL and SIL but it still hurt to know that I wouldn't get to experience the labor pains, the visits in the hospital, the pictures being taken, the excitement and the joy. God I wanted that so badly.I couldn't bare to go to the hospital. It was just too much.
About a week after my nephew was born I had this strange feeling as I was driving to Walgreen's that I would run into my BIL and SIL and new nephew. Ironically, after I had that exact thought, I turned in and there they were! So I took a deep breath and hopped in the back of the truck and held my nephew for the first time. He was beautiful. What a cutie. I just held him, trying to keep my mind off of thinking how my baby boy should have been just about 2 months older than him. I had all of these day dreams about them playing together and us taking family photos but none of that would be for my husband and I.
As I drove away I felt a lot better that I had seen my nephew for the first time and faced the fears I had felt leading up too that day but I also knew that I needed to keep my distance as well. There would be nights that I would lay in bed and think about all of the wonderful new things my BIL and SIL were getting to experience and it would just bring tears to my eyes. I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby. I wanted to change diapers and warm up bottles of formula. I wanted all of that so badly. I often wondered- why not me too? It just didn't make sense. I had lost 3 babies and everyone else I knew had gotten pregnant and carried to term on the first shot. It just wasn't fair, but this was my reality.
March: BFN (Big Fat Negative) Pregnancy test
May: BFN (which I found out on my EDD- estimated due date for the 3rd baby)
I usually would get pregnant in about 3 months so I started to think something was wrong. That is when the nurse asked me if I wanted to go ahead and do a medicated cycle to stimulate more eggs. I said sure. I thought I would take some clomid and that would be it but I was wrong.
They had me on all sorts of injections. Human Growth Hormones, Repronex, and Clomid. I don't remember all of the details of the things I did and when I did them but I do remember having to go in for a ton of ultrasounds to see how the eggs were developing. After my first ultrasound I had about 20 eggs that had developed. This concerned my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) because I was only 28 and had produced a lot of eggs but he said that not all 20 of them would mature into eggs that could be fertilized. He sent me home and I continued my regime. The injections were awful. My husband would have to inject me twice a day in my lower back and sometimes I would have to do it to myself in the stomach at work. Once I hit a certain day they had me start taking Antigon to prevent me from releasing the eggs too early.
When all was said and done I had 2 options. Do the HCG trigger shot to release 2 eggs or wait one more day and release 6! 6 eggs scared us big time so we chose to trigger and release only the 2 and we were to do the deed once in the morning once at night and once the next morning. The 2 week wait (waiting to find out if you are pregnant) was awful. I was slightly hyper-stimulated so I was very bloated and uncomfortable. I couldn't wear jeans so I pretty much lived in sweats whenever I was home and drank a ton of Gatorade to help relieve the symptoms.I felt so pregnant. I had all of the symptoms, sore boobs, nausea, fatigue, etc. On top of that I was on progesterone suppositories too so I was irritable and sleepy. My poor husband. The day before I went in for my blood test to see if I was pregnant I all of sudden didn't feel pregnant anymore and knew immediately that the HCG trigger shot had worn off and it hadn't worked. Did the blood test which confirmed a BFN- BIG FAT NEGATIVE :(
I couldn't believe it. I had spent all of that money on those fertility drugs and the ultrasounds, gone through the painful bloating and everything and I got a BFN. It felt like I had just gone through another pregnancy loss. I was so disappointed. I thought for sure we would get at least one fertilized out of all of this. So I started to regret my decision to only release the 2 eggs; Would I have finally gotten a pregnancy to stick had I released 6? Who knows? It may have had the same outcome as all of the rest. But to this day I still wonder.
So June ended in a BFN.
So here is the scientific explanation of LIT according to Dr. Beer's website:
As a result, she does not make the blocking antibody, the baby dies, and her immune system recognizes the placenta as "altered self" (i.e., a cancer cell) and category 1 problems move on to worsen to categories 2, 3, 4 and 5 (see diagram below).
Inadequate blocking antibody formation.
Ineffective camouflage of placenta.
Placental cells fail to grow and divide.
Death of placental cells.
Activation of category 2, 3, 4 and 5 immune problems.
HLA-G: Message sent from father to stimulate blocking antibody.
Blocking Antibody: Protects and stimulates the growth of placental cells.
Placental Cell Death: Consequences of low blocking antibody.
Info taken from Repro-Med (Dr. Alan Beer's website)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Monday after I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant I spent the majority of my day under my desk, in my office, just crying on the phone to one of my sorority sisters. It just wasn't fair. How come everyone around me was able to carry a baby to term and I couldn't. I wish I knew the answer to that question but to this day I just don't know.
The saddness and emptiness you feel after losing a baby is unmeasurable but to lose 3 babies just plan hurts right down to the core. The hardest part is that no one around you understands your pain. They just don't get it. They don't understand that although no one saw that baby in the living world (besides on a screen) that baby was a part of you that you have lost.
I think one of the hardest things for me was when a relative of my husband's saw me at a wedding just days after my D&C. I still had some baby weight on me and a little belly and she asked me "do we have a bun in the oven?" I just burst into tears and cried saying, "no, we just lost our baby this week." Her response? "Oh you can always have another one." I don't think she realized this was my 3rd loss and she felt horrible after the fact but boy was that a hard one to handle.
So after I lost the 3rd baby I was faced with a descision. What do I do now? How do I move forward. Not "How do I move on" but "how do I move forward?" I will never "move on" because those losses will always be with me but I can "move forward" and continue on with my life. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well- when all is said and done I better be one of the strongest women in the world!! Not really but you get the point.
We were going to Rocky Point that weekend so I made sure that I took it easy and relaxed. I could already tell this pregnancy was different than the other ones. I was feeling very tired, couldn't stand the smell of certain foods, and my cravings were extreme. I had to have hot spicy salsa, lots of salt, and chips every day. (which worked out because I was in Mexico)
At 7 1/2 weeks we went in for an ultrasound. I was so nervous but felt a little more confident because I hadn't had any of the complications I had with the other pregnancies. No cramping, no spotting etc. When the doctor did the ultrasound we saw the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. A little baby with a strong beating heart. It was truly amazing. I was so happy I had tears in my eyes. We recorded on our phones to play over and over again. The Dr. gave us pictures for us to take home. We had finally done it. This was it! We were going to have a baby!
Once we saw the heartbeat we felt more comfortable telling people about our pregnancy. Yes it was still early but statistics I had read said that there was only a 3% chance of a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat so we felt confident. I continued on with my shots and was feeling all of the normal pregnancy symptoms. I was even getting a belly. It was so exciting. I had started to show already and I was only 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. I remember one weekend my mom say me and she was amazed at how early I was showing and even said, "this is the real deal this time." (or something along those lines) I was a happy pregnant 28 year old finally on my way to being a mom.
We were going to announce to my husband's family November 1st about my pregnancy but something in me said to have one more ultrasound before we did the announcement. That week, October 30th, I was at work and saw some spotting. I called the doc immediately and they had me come in for another ultrasound. He had told me that this may happen and not to worry because it was most likely old blood but to come in anyways if it happened and we would just make sure everything was okay. I called my husband and he asked if he should come down and I brushed it off like it was nothing. I told him it was going to be a routine thing and that I would tape it for him.
Driving to the appt I had a little bit of fear in me that I was going to get bad news but then I kept remembering what we saw earlier that month and calmed my fears. When I had the ultrasound the RE looked and said, well- there is the baby. Now let's find the heartbeat. He searched and searched and there was nothing. My baby had died 3 weeks prior and I had no idea. I was devastated. I couldn't understand it. I was getting bigger! I had a belly! I had the cravings and the morning sickness. I had it all. How could my baby be gone? How could this happen and I not even know about it? I was in shock. I was so upset my dad had to come pick my up at the Dr.'s office and my husband met me at my parent's house. I remember calling my brother to tell him we had lost the baby and he started to cry. When I hung up I just felt so empty. Like the carpet had been ripped from underneath me. I was there. I had that baby, and then it was gone.
Pictures taken from my journal: 1st pic (7 1/2 weeks with heartbeat)
2nd pic(at 11 1/2 weeks but measuring 8 weeks 3 days-no heartbeat)
They scheduled my D&C for the following day. My husband sat in the waiting room while they did the procedure and watched them carry out a cooler with our baby inside it and send it off for testing. The results came back a month later. It was a chromosomally normal boy. This meant that the baby was healthy and something else went wrong. My RE's theory was that my body saw the baby as foreign and my natural killer cells (cells that fight off disease) caused the pregnancy to fail.
I was once again heartbroken. I had let everyone down. What hurt the most was that I had let my baby boy down. It was my job to protect him and my body might have done this to him. As I was mourning the loss of my 3rd baby my brother-in-law and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy just a couple of weeks after our baby boy had been removed via D&C. The news cut like a knife through my heart. I was happy for them but sad for us. All I could think about was how our son should have been 2 months older than their baby.
Needless to say I shut down. I couldn't handle it. I was still mourning the loss of my baby and couldn't comprehend dealing with yet another person around me being pregnant. I knew for them, everything would be fine. Why couldn't I have that same outcome? Everyone else that gets pregnant knows that 9 months later there will be a baby. Why can't it be that way for me too? It just doesn't seem fair. Believe me, I would never wish what I have been through on anyone. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have such a hard time trying to make a family but here I was- 3 pregnancies and no baby to show for it.
My D&C was Jan 26th 2007 and I still hadn't been back "on track" (if I am being discreet about this). I was still having cramping and spotting and even worse incidents in which I thought I might have to go to the hospital (again, I am trying to spare the details). My new doc, the RE, had and HCG blood test drawn and it came back positive again. They had me go back again 2 days later and do tests and my numbers had doubled at that point it was a viable pregnancy according to the numbers. I was pregnant again!
He immediately started me on the injections and the progesterone and started to track my progress. I had to learn how to inject myself in the stomach twice a day with heparin and take progesterone 3 times a day which made me irritable and groggy and emotional. Just want my husband needed!
On April 13th (Friday the 13th no less) I began to have issues again. I thought, here I go again. I'm losing another baby. Blood tests confirmed that my HCG levels were at 0. The RE now believes it was left over products of conception from the D&C in Jan and was a false pregnancy. We will never know if that was in fact a true pregnancy or not.
After the false pregnancy I was back on track and things seemed to be going well. The RE had my husband and I do an immune therapy treatment just to make sure we didn't have any infections and then in June we were given the green light to try again this time under the care of a specialist.
*HCG levels are what they measure in your blood to tell if you are pregnant or not and if your pregnancy is progressing as it should be.
The NP told me that the chances of this pregnancy being another blighted ovum were like winning the lottery and not to worry. They took my blood and sent me on my way. Well- the numbers came back and they were low, but they wanted me to come in again in 2 days to have another blood draw. (Your numbers are supposed to double ever 2 days in the beginning if the pregnancy is continuing as it should).
My 2nd numbers were still a little low but they were almost doubling so they sent me for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound there was a sac but no baby again. I kept hearing, "it's still early" and I was measuring as I should be. I went in for an ultrasound every week and every week the sac would grow as it should but there was still no baby in there. The painful cramps and bleeding would come and go through the day and I knew I was losing this pregnancy too but the dr.'s just kept saying we needed to hold off until we knew for sure. The pain was unbearable. I would sit in the car on the way home from work and just cry and beg for the painful cramping to stop. I remember screaming- "If it is over then please just let it be over already!" Finally it was determined at my 4th ultrasound that I had another blighted ovum making this miscarriage #2. This time they had me go in for a *D&C. (surgery to remove the baby or remains of the sac to complete a miscarriage).
Going in the for D&C was heartbreaking. I went to the hospital and all I could think about was, "this is the hospital I was supposd to come out of holding a baby in my arms." This was the hospital that was going to make my dream of becoming a mom a reality. But instead, this was the hospital I was having what was left or my baby removed.
It took us 5 months to get pregnant with our first baby. I remember thinking- "what is taking so long?" Little did I know that 5 months of trying was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Many couples try for years before they finally get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant the week of the 4th of July. July 7th to be exact. I was so surprised and shocked and excited. I couldn't wait to tell my husband. He was on the phone when he walked in the door and I just handed him the home pregnancy test. I think his reaction was "already? We got pregnant already?" but he was happy. We decided to tell our close friends at dinner that night. Immediately I felt different. It's amazing how just looking at a positive pregnancy test can change your whole world. So many emotions and feelings run through you. Dreams flash before your eyes of the future you are going to have with this little one that is finally on his or her way.
We thought we would wait for the official word from the doctors before telling anyone else but we couldn't resist. So we told my parents that weekend. We even had thought of a creative way to tell them. A couple of months before we had found these little coins that said Grandma and Grandpa on them. So- when the time came, we gave them the coins. They didn't get it at first but then the light bulb went on and they were excited. My mom and I went and bought the book "What to Expect When You are Expecting" and my husband and dad went out and did "guy stuff." It was such a happy day. We were already talking about possible names and thinking about the nursery.
I went in for my exam at the Dr. and everything looked great and they confirmed the pregnancy. That was a Friday. The following Monday morning I got ready for work and noticed that when I went to the bathroom I had started spotting. My heart immediately sank as I knew this was not supposed to happen. When I called the Dr. they said not to worry about it and said that it was normal since I had just had an exam and to call if I had cramps or if it got worse. So I went on to work and everything was fine for the next couple of days. As the weeks went by I would start spotting again off and on which really scared me. (I'll spare everyone the details) Every time I would call I would get the same old, "it's normal. You are fine. Just wait until your 10 week appointment." The morning of my 10 week appointment I knew I wasn't going to get good news. The spotting had become more and more and I knew this wasn't a good sign. The nurse practitioner came in and did an ultrasound and determined that at 10 1/2 weeks she should be able to see a baby and a heartbeat. All she saw was an empty sac. I was having a miscarriage called a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when the sac forms the but the baby does not.
My eyes filled with tears as she gave us the news and my husband just held my hand tightly trying to do what he could to console me. They came in and did blood work and told me that I would miscarry in the next couple of days. I was told that when I felt like the pain was too much and I couldn't take it any longer, to just wait it out for a couple of hours and then everything would be over. Nice advice huh?
So we had to let everyone know the bad news. I remember my mom telling me on the phone how sorry she was. I felt so bad. I felt like I had let everyone down. That I had let me baby down.
That Sunday I began to pass the everything. I will spare the details as they are graphic but the pain I felt was indescribable. I can only compare it to what I think giving birth would feel like. Only when you give birth, you have this beautiful baby in your arms and the memories of the pain melt away. (so I have been told) Shortly after my miscarriage was complete we found out that my husband's grandfather was in the hospital and that we needed to go say good-bye as his prognosis wasn't looking good so we headed up to Heber. I welcomed the trip because it was a way to get away from everything happening back home. I had just wished it was under better circumstances.
It's interesting to see who comes around and who talks to you when they find out you have just lost a pregnancy. Some don't know what to say, some send flowers, some try to reassure you that you can try again, some disappear off the face of the earth. I think my greatest comfort was my 9 month pregnant best friend Rhea. She called before coming over because she wasn't sure if seeing her pregnant would make things worse. For some reason it didn't. Maybe it is because although we had been pregnant at the same time she was far into her pregnancy when I had just found out about mine. I don't know.
The depression and sadness I felt was extreme. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling even worse because not only was a tired from the crying but I was reminded that I had lost a baby. I kept wondering why? Why did this happen? It's just not fair! Another emotion also filled me though. I was also filled with hope because I knew that I could try again and that I would. I knew that miscarriages were common and that I had a good chance that the next time things would work out. I still mourned the loss of that baby but I had a new hope for the future.
The quote that keeps me going is:
"I believe you can keep going long after you think you can't"
This is my journey to motherhood. This is my story.
A boy and a girl sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage.
Wait- that isn't how it goes is it?
But that is how it went for me.
When you hear of someone losing a baby you often think- well, it was a fluke. They can try again. And for most the next time around will have a happy ending and all will be well. In fact, miscarriage is actually quite common. What isn't common however, is 8 losses in a row.
So here is my story.
FIRST CAME LOVE: It all started after I met the man of my dreams in 2002. He was amazing. Everything I had ever dreamed of. I had never met someone so unselfish in my life. I had snagged the most generous guy out there and he was all mine.
THEN COMES MARRIAGE: We dated for 3 years and he proposed the day we got our keys to our first house. In October of 2005 we had our dream wedding. It was like a fairytale come true. The weather was perfect, the bridesmaids looks stunning and the groomsmen looked handsome. We celebrated the night surronded by our family and friends.