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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Week 8 of Viral Protocol and Feeling Down

More and more pregnancy annoucements coming my way.  Super happy for everyone but man I am so ready to start trying again.  My follow up appointment to go over the results of my latest bloodwork is next Monday.  I wish it was tomorrow so I could get my bee stings and we could try this month.  I know I have to be patient but I am so tired of waiting. 

My mom gave me a People Magazine yesterday and I accidently turned to the Due Date page.  So many celebs are pregnant!  Remind me to stay off of Facebook and stay away from the magazines.  LOL  There was one happy story in there.  Martha Stewart's daughter finally was successful and gave birth after 5 years of infertilty. 

I often wonder what is worse.  Not being able to get pregnant at all or getting pregnant and losing them over and over again.  Guess I'm also feeling down because my husband's grandmother died on Sunday.  She is going to be buried next to his grandfather which is where we had our own personal funeral for baby number 3 back in 2007.  We saw our son Devon's heatbeat at 7 1/2 weeks and by 11 weeks he was gone.  We went to the grave site and buried the ultrasound picture of Devon in a little box.  I wonder if that will get dug up when they go to put his grandmother beside his grandfather this Friday.

So many things on my mind.  I did workout today but I can't stop napping during the day.  I just get so tired of staring at a computer all day long.  I'm 31 years old and I just feel lost.  I don't know why.  Guess I'm just exhausted and tired of this whole rollercoaster ride but I can't get off. I need to complete this journey successfully.  I try so hard in everything I do and I over think everything.  That's probably why I am so tired.  Like Dori says in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimmming swimming."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Week Number 7 of Viral Protocol and Frustration and Tears

Ugh I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Apparently over the course of 6 weeks I was supposed to go for weekly blood draws bc I'm on heparin so they could adjust it as needed. It didn't say that on the paper anything about those labs. They said it isn't a big deal but it is to me! I wanted to do the 100% correct. My only saving grace is that I'm not trying to sustain a pregnancy at this exact moment. I went back and looked at the paperwork and all it said was SQ next to the word Heparin. (Meaning Sonora Quest) I'm not a fricking code reader! Sorry to vent. I called DH and he blew me off. I think I'm just emotional. I'm just so ready to be done with this. I just want to cry right now and scream WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PREGNANT WOMAN??? You know, sometimes I pretend I am. Especially when talking to people that don't know my history or that K is adopted.

I go again today to get my PPT (the heparin blood draw) which has to be taken 6 hours after my first injections.  I'm so tired of all of the rules, the pills, the wishing, the hoping, the praying. I just want this to be easy.  It's been 5 1/2 years and 8 pregnancies and I still haven't carried to term.  WTF???? 

I just feel so alone.  I'm starting to feel defeated.  What if all of my heard work just isn't enough?  I just want to cry right now.  My stomach is so bruised and bloated I feel like a whale. I would be excited if there was a baby in there but right now it's just that way because of the injections.  Please somebody tell me this is going to work!!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Week 6 of Viral Protocol

Last Day of Week 6-Viral Protocol

Guess it's been a while since I have written.  Just been doing the same old thing.  Taking the pills, doing the heparin injections, working out, trying to get sleep.  Today I go for my 4pm blood draw and then call the doc office to go over the results to see if the protocol is working.  After that I will know when I go for my bee stings and when we can officially start trying.  The full protocol is supposed to last 7 weeks so hopefully I can stop most of the meds soon.  I'm so tired of popping pills.  It's about 15 pills each morning and every night but once again, if it means I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby then I am willing to go through it.  Wish I could see into the future.  Kind of over whelmed with work right now so I don't feel much like writing but hopefully I will have good news to write about next week.