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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Miracles do happen- just not the way we always imagined they would

Today I have been feeling depressed.  I don't know why.  I just feel sad and blah.  Maybe it is the numerous pregnancy announcements that keep coming my way.   I was sending the link to my adoption blog to a friend and as I scrolled through it I came across my posting from July 9th 2009.  I read through it and it brought me to tears but these were tears of joy and happiness.  It made me realize how lucky I truly am.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing little girl in my life. Whenever I am feeling down I just need to go back an re-read about the day we first met our beautiful daughter and know that miracles do happen just not the way we always imagined they would.

Below is the link but I also copied and pasted it below.  Unfortunately the pictures didn't come over with the pasting of the post but that's okay.

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered!

WE ARE PARENTS!!!! I think I am still in shock!!

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I am still adjusting to motherhood and Kayla is having tons of visitors every day.

Here is our Adoption Story:

We received a call from Lifetime Adoptions on June 24th that a birthmother had reviewed 9 profiles and wanted only us for her 2 1/2 month old baby girl Sophia. We were elated! We didn't have to wait for her to decide between 2 or 3 families. She only wanted us which was amazing!

Thursday June 25th the birthmother and I talked and we reported back to Lifetime that we both wanted to move forward. We had arranged for her to call back at 5:30pm so she could talk to my husband. I had forwarded our adoption 800# to my phone and headed down to my husband's office since he was working late and we waited and waited. No call :( We were heartbroken. The agency kept calling her and there was no response. We were sure she had changed her mind. So many emotions went through my head. "Did I say something wrong on the phone call?" I kept going over the conversation in my head and couldn't find anything I might have said to offend her. We decided to go get some dinner that night and I was so distraught, How could I be going through another type of loss again? This just wasn't fair. We were so close. Then little signs kept coming around me. I was walking around the shops near my husband's office and looked through the window of a souvenir shop. There they had personalized AZ license plates with names on it. There was a man looking at them and when he turned the spinning display the name Sophia faced directly toward me. Was this God's way of telling me this was going to work out? I'll admit, there was a little glimmer of hope still there in my heart but I have had that hope before and had my heart broken with my previous pregnancy losses so I tried not to look to much into it.

As everyone knows, June 25th was the day Michael Jackson died so there was a ton of coverage all over the television. I was at home watching a report on his death when they showed a girl dancing like Michael in front of the Apollo Theater. The announcer said, "and that was Sophie dancing like Michael Jackson." I immediately looked up and thought, "hmm that was weird."

I am a big believer that things happen in 3's so I thought, Okay- that is 2, am I going to get one more sign?" Then a Gerber baby commercial came on. It was a stretch but I counted it as sign #3 anyways.

Friday passed- still no word. Saturday passed- still no word. I was such an emotional wreck. The only thing that made me feel better was babysitting my almost 1 year old nephew. It's so weird but he is my saving grace. Whenever I am down I can just be around him and he lifts my spirits.

Sunday my husband took me to see a funny movie to get my mind off of things. It definitely helped brighten my mood. Then, it happened. SHE CALLED!! She apologized and said she had left for a trip to see her sister and forgotten her phone and that she hadn't changed her mind. She still wanted to move forward. We couldn't believe it.

That whole next week I was on the phone with attorneys and social workers. We found out Wed July 1st that the adoption would take place on July 6th and that we had to fly to Reno. We immediately bought our plane tickets and booked our hotel room. Needless to say I did not sleep well at all that week. I was excited, scared, anxious. I just wanted to go and pick up our baby at that moment.

Friday we went to Target and bought the car seat and stroller. I was so nervous. I felt like we shouldn't be there buying these things yet but my husband wanted to get the basic essentials we needed before we got to Reno so we wouldn't be rushing around.

Saturday was July 4th. I wanted to tell everyone so badly but we knew we had to wait until it was final. It’s kind of like when you are pregnant and don’t tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. You don’t want to announce it too early in case it doesn’t work out.

Sunday we hopped on a plane to Reno. The birthmother text me and told me she didn’t have a ride so we offered to pick her and the baby up for the Monday morning appointment., I was happy about this because one of my biggest fears was that she wouldn’t show up to the signing. Now we were picking her up so that wouldn’t be an issues.

That night my husband and I didn’t sleep. We were so filled with anxiety and anxious about the events that were to happen Monday morning.

The next morning we picked up the birthmother and the baby and I immediately fell in love. That little girl was so amazingly beautiful. We went to the social worker’s office and the signing began. Once all was said and done the time came for our birthmother to say goodbye to the baby. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. What a brave woman she is. I admire her strength and her trust in Weston and I to raise her birth daughter. She kept telling us she knew she was doing the right thing and that we could give her baby the kind of life she wouldn’t be able to provide for her. I asked her if she would like some time alone with the baby before we left and she said no. We dropped her off at her sister’s apartment. The 3 of us just hugged and tightly and said our goodbyes.

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered. I love this little girl as if I carried her for 9 months. Our love for Kayla is more than we could have ever imagined and we feel so blessed and lucky to have her in our lives. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but it is amazing when you look back at your journey and realize why certain things happened the way they did. Losing my job back in October happened for a reason. We were supposed to meet this little girl at the exact time we did. It was all part of a big plan that we had no control over.

Today I look at Kayla in awe. I can't believe after 3 1/2 years and 5 pregnancy losses I am finally a mommy! My husband is finally a daddy, my parents are finally grandparents, my brother is finally an uncle. This is what I have prayed for every night and the time is finally here!

For anyone out there struggling with attaining a dream my advice to you is to keep pushing forward. Randy Pausch said it perfectly. “Brick walls are there for a reason. They help us prove how badly we want something.” My husband and I sure faced a lot of brick walls but we made it!

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone.

But, still miraculously, my own.

Never forget, for a single minute

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it."


My daughter Kayla and I at Lake Tahoe July 8th 2009

Monday, August 23, 2010

Progress and a Discovery

Still doing acupuncture and herbs. I went Friday and Dr. Yau said it appears to be working. My PMS symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be. I used to get really sore breast and lower back pain the week prior and now pain is virtually gone. Also, I used to spot for about 6 days off and on before Aunt Flow showed her ugly face and now I only spot for about 2 days before she officially arrives. (sorry TMI I know but it is how I know the treatment is working) So I am making progress. I usually get horrible cramps on cycle day 1 but this time around they weren't as bad as they usually are and as soon as I took 2 Advil I felt much better.

Not sure when I will be able to start trying to conceive again. Maybe Dec or Jan? I'm still taking my fish oil, folic acid, B vitamins, and wheat grass shots. I really hope this works. I want this so badly. I swear, once I carry a pregnancy to term and give birth I'm totally done. I will be content with 2 kids. Hope it happens soon.

Friday night I was looking in my desk drawer and found my old cell phone. I started going through it to see what pictures and videos I had on it from 2007 and stumbled across my ultrasound video of Devon (baby number 3). Looking back it is still hard for me to believe that October 7th 2007 was the first and last time we saw his beautiful beating heart. It was such an amazing day which made the loss so devastating. We thought he was our keeper, our little miracle, but 3 weeks later his heartbeat was gone. I try to put the past behind me but it creeps in sometimes and makes my heart ache. I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven and finally get to hold him in my arms. I know he and Ashton (and the other 5 babies) are watching down on my husband, Kayla, and I and protecting us which brings me some comfort but it doesn't take away how much I miss them.

Devon James 7 weeks 3 days

Monday, August 2, 2010


I know 15 people who have either given birth or announced their pregnancies in the last 2 months. 15!  Isn't that crazy?  Whatever water they are drinking can I please have some?

Today I was overwhelmed with so much emotion at all of the pregnancy announcements. I was genuinely upset but the tears wouldn't come out.  It wasn't until my husband got home that the tears began flowing.  So many beautiful babies entering our world and none of them are through me. Baby bumps and ultrasound pictures are being posted among my friends on social networking sites.  I guess today it finally got to me.

The only ultrasound pictures I have to share are the ones below.  2 out of 7 babies were actually captured on screen and they both passed away shortly after seeing their beautiful heartbeats.  All of the pain from those losses came rushing back suddenly.  I don't even have that amazing ultrasound picture of Kayla to share with her when she is older or display in her room like everyone else does.  Our birth mom didn't pass that one along to me when we adopted her and I think it may be inappropriate to ask for it now.

For a split second I lost hope of ever carrying a pregnancy to term but as soon as the tears dried and I stood up I felt that sense of determination come rushing back.  Something in me won't let this go.  Something in me won't let me give up.  As long as I have that feeling in my heart I know that I have to keep trying.  There is a reason I feel this way and to give up now on that dream would be such a huge disservice to myself and this long treacherous journey I have embarked on.  I have to keep trying. I have to keep believing.


            Devon James passed away Oct 2007

Ashton Michael passed away September 2009

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