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Thursday, November 11, 2010

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss.  She got me thinking about a lot of things.  How I can feel 2 different things at the same time.  Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant.  It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too.  The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time.  She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings.  I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest .  I go again in 2 weeks.  I really liked her office.  In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them.  The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it. 

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more.  I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't.  I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture.  Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too.  Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.

I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.