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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When will I finally be able to breath?

Friday night the unthinkable happened.  Our birth mom told us that Kayla's birth father found out about the adoption and was going to fight to get her back. I was in tears all weekend. Between being on the phone with my sister-in-law who works for CPS in the adoption unit, my social worker, leaving messages for my attorney and anyone who could give me advice I finally had to talk to my BM (birth mom) and ask her to tell me the whole story about Kayla's father because as far as we knew he was unknown.

So here it is:
She was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lied and didn't tell her he was married. When she found out she broke up with him but of course they had slept together. Around that same time she slept with another guy. When our daughter was born the other guy took a paternity test and he was ruled out. Therefore leaving the married guy to be our daughter's bio father. BM ran into BF (birth father)when she was 4 months pregnant and he told her congrats on her pregnancy. She said it might be his but he did nothing. Never kept in touch, never followed up. This whole time he thought she was raising the baby with the other guy but when he found out she had given the baby up for adoption he decided he wanted to fight for our daughter. So over 2 years after the baby's birth he NOW wants to take responsibility? Too Late. We took all of the legal steps to terminate his rights (i.e publishing in the newspapers the needed information) He had 90 days to come forward and he didn't so our adoption was finalized. (Nov 09)

Since he knew about the pregnancy and that the baby might be his and did nothing, legally he "abandoned mom and baby" which already terminates his rights. Not sure if we will still have a fight on our hands but at least I know he doesn't have a case.
I am so emotionally exhausted from all of this. I wish growing our family wasn't such an up hill battle. It shouldn't be this hard you know?

To put my mind at ease our attorney emailed us the following response after talking to us on the phone:

Hi Lisa & Weston,
As I told both of you, your adoption is secure. Pursuant to the Arizona Revised Statutes (ARS 8-117), to contest your adoption, the birth father would have had to file an appeal to the Arizona Court of Appeals within 15 days of your adoption hearing held on 11/3/09. Additionally, pursuant to ARS 8-123, after one year from 11/3/09, any irregularity in your adoption is deemed cured and your adoption cannot be attacked on any ground. If you should hear from this man, tell him that you have nothing to discuss with him and if he has any questions he may call your adoption attorney.
No worries!

Words can't express what I went through this weekend.  The feelings I experienced, the fear I still have now. Hearing this news for a split second made me feel like I wasn't a real mom.  Like every joy I have experienced raising our amazing daughter was about to be ripped from my arms and smashed on the ground.  It's amazing how someone you don't even know can make you feel like that.  I know this is not the case.  I know that I am Kayla's REAL mom and my husband is her REAL dad.  

What makes you a mom or dad?  
Having your sperm meet some one's egg?  Simply the act of carrying a baby in your womb and giving birth?  Or does it mean nurturing and caring for a child and putting all of your own needs and wants aside to provide the best life possible for that child?  Many women (notice I said many and not all) can pop out a baby but what really matters is what kind of mother are they to that child.  Are you an encourager?  

All I know is I have fought long and hard to become a mom and I will damned if anybody tries to take that away from me!

In the meantime we are on cycle 2 of trying to get pregnant since the protocol so in addition to all of this news I had to do my trigger shot Friday morning which made me extra emotional due to the HCG in my system.  With all of this stress I won't be surprised if I don't end up pregnant this cycle but we will see.  I can't wait for the day when I can finally breath and look back on this with relief and say "I did it.  I didn't give up. I survived."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ugh! Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!

Ugh!  Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!  One of Kayla's teachers announced she is expecting today.  I had a feeling she was pregnant because she was kind of starting to show but I couldn't be sure if it was  the beginning of a baby belly or what.  I told her congratulations and went on my way.  Then as I was walking out of the daycare what do I see?  A very pregnant woman dropping her toddler off.  Everywhere i turn I swear they are there!  LOL 

I need to get over this.  I'm tired of my pity parties!  There will always be pregnant women everywhere I go.  Maybe I should just force myself to be around them for an entire week straight.  Maybe then I won't feel this huge pit in my stomach when I see them.  I wish pregnancy wasn't such a negative experience for me.  I always thought I would love being pregnant but now it feels like a slap in the face every time I cross a pregnant woman's path.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to be excited and happy for them but it's so hard when I have lost 8 pregnancies and have never had a positive outcome.

Today is CD 2 (Cycle Day 2).   Let the countdown to the surge and HCG trigger shot begin.......

Monday, August 8, 2011

False Postive! Back to Trying Again this month!

I am soooo relieved!!!  I did have a false positive from the trigger shot.  My blood test was negative so we can resume trying this next cycle.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to get a negative in my life!  I just didn't want to have to keep going back for blood draws and have to deal with the emotional roller coaster all week.  I didn't want to find out that this was another chemical pregnancy and all the treatments we have done were a waste.

This whole thing really did make me think about what about lies head.  Am I ready for another pregnancy?  I don't know.  I do have a new restored sense of hope that maybe..... just maybe.... the viral protocol and bee sting will work next time around.  I am NEVER testing early like I did yesterday.   Not even 1 day before my blood draw.  I totally sent myself into panic and depression mode for about 24 hours.

Back to tracking this cycle, hoping, and praying. 

False Positive or the Real Deal? Guess We Will Find Out Today

Yesterday I broke down and took an HPT test.  It was positive.  Of course I was excited.  But last night the spotting started and into this morning.   I pray that I just tested too early and this is a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  I go for blood work today at 9am. 

This morning I finally broke down in tears and came to the realization that maybe this just isn't going to happen for me.  Maybe I'm meant to be an adoptive mother and not give birth to any children myself.  Maybe God put me on this earth to do just that.  I never really thought I couldn't do this.....  until this morning.  How many more times can I put myself and my husband through this?  We are going on almost 6 years and 8 maybe 9 miscarriages.  I am so thankful Kayla is too young to understand what is going on but I know one day she will ask me why she doesn't have a brother or sister.

It just breaks my heart to not be able to experience the joys of pregnancy and giving birth.  I feel like I'm robbing my husband and my parents of this amazing experience.  In short, I feel like a failure.  My husband can reassure me that I'm not but that still doesn't change the way I feel. 

So today I'm praying I just tested too early and it was a false positive.  I'm praying that this is just Aunt Flow showing me her ugly face this month.  If it is another chemical pregnancy then everything we've been through with the viral protocol and bee sting has been a waste.

Today, as I was getting Kayla ready for daycare I was reminded just how lucky I am.  I spent extra time with her this morning helping her get ready for school (a.k.a daycare).   She is so amazing.  I honestly don't know where I would be without her. (probably in the loony bin!).   

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Longest 2WW Ever!

Ugh this is the longest 2WW (2 week wait) ever!  That's because it isn't two weeks, it's actually almost a 3 week wait because I did the trigger shot on the day of the surge and then a booster HCG 8 days later. If this were a normal cycle today would be test day but I can't test because I could get a false positive due to the second HCG of 5K I administered last Wed.  I am supposed to get blood work on Sun but of course the labs aren't open on Sundays so it will have to wait until Monday. :( 

This past weekend was horrible.  I had really bad nausea Friday and Saturday and even threw up a couple of times.  I can't count this as pregnancy symptoms though because the HCG trigger shot could totally be causing these kind of side effects.  I am still getting nausea off and on and have really bad indigestion.  If these symptoms begin to disappear as the week progresses then I know it is a BFN (Big Fat Negative). 

What an emotional roller coaster I have been on this cycle.  I want to remain so hopeful but at the same time I don't want to set myself up for disappointment either.  Guess I will just have to wait it out and try to relax.  (easier said then done that's for sure!)   Praying for a BFP! (Big Fat Positive)