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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Will I Ever Stop Checking the Toilet Paper???

I really thought that once I hit the 2nd Trimester I would be able to calm down a bit but my anxiety is still through the roof.  Yesterday I was very emotional.  Crying off and on all day because fear was getting the best of me. I still check the toilet paper every single time I use the restroom.

I worry about EVERYTHING!  From what I eat, to what I drink, to what I put on my skin.  I have even thrown away a perfectly good meal because I googled and found something in it not recommended for pregnant women.  I know I need to relax but it's hard. I just want everything to go right. 

It's amazing to me that when my mom was pregnant they didn't know 1/2 of what they know now and somehow my brother and I made it to this earth.  Maybe we know too much information nowadays?  I mean back in the cave man days there was no such thing as pasteurized dairy products or over the counter supplements to help nourish baby and mother.  They didn't have ultrasound machines or Doppler's but humankind managed to continue and evolve.

I sometimes feel so alone.  Working from home is a great thing but it is also challenging because it leaves me a lot of time to think and over think all by myself. If I were in an office I would have others to converse with on a daily basis and things to keep my mind busy.  I've decided I really need to find a hobby.  The time is passing by so slowly and rather than sit around and watch TV, when I'm not working from home, I need a distraction.

On the positive side my bronchitis/seasonal asthma is finally getting better.  I had debated on whether or not to take antibiotics.  I'm so glad I didn't because the inhaler seems to be working.   I've been trying to take the least amount of meds possible during this pregnancy and I prefer the inhaler over the pills because the medicine goes straight to the lungs and only a tiny amount of it goes into the bloodstream. 

Ugh so many stresses but I know this will all be worth it.  I've wanted this for so long and it's about time I started enjoying it. 

Now my mission is to stay as hydrated, get plenty of sleep, and get some low impact exercise so I can stay healthy. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Breaking My Silence

You may have noticed I have been kind quiet on here since October. I've been writing a lot of posts but not publishing them until I felt secure enough to say something. I still feel a little scared in sharing this news but...... here goes..... I'M 15 WEEKS PREGNANT!

The following posts are ones I wrote throughout this whole journey thus so far. I still have to post ultrasound pics. (I've had 8, yes 8 ultrasounds!) It's been a stressful few months but I'm still here trudging along. I think I am am still in shock!

If I'm friends with you on FB please wait until I make my announcement there to comment on my wall- Thanks

Links to previous postings:

NT Screening 1-3-12

Tuesday was our NT Screening and it was probably the best appointment we've had.  The tech was so nice and funny too.  As soon as she started the ultrasound we saw our little baby bouncing up and down. It was cute!  He/she looked like they were having a lot of fun in there. 

What is an NT screening?  This prenatal test (also called the NT or nuchal fold scan) can help your health care practitioner assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT test uses
ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average

Baby measured 12 weeks 3 days which was right on track from the previous ultrasound at my OB's office.  Heartbeat: 154 (again right on track with scan 2 weeks prior).  She started the screening and said that the space behind the neck needed to be under 3mm.  Our baby was 1.5mm which is awesome.  We have a very low chance of Downs or any chromosomal issues. (the test cannot provide 100% accuracy but results are pretty good)

It was comforting to see the baby and hear his/her heartbeat.  The sex is still unknown but the tech seemed to think it is a girl.  We would LOVE another girl but it would be AWESOME to have a boy too.  I know people say this all of the time but honestly we just want to give birth to a happy, healthy, baby.  Boy or girl really doesn't matter to us.

Lately I have been having mild cramping especially around my hip area.  I have read that this is pretty normal but of course I still don't feel 100% secure. I wonder if I will ever be. 

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. This has been the longest 3 months of my life!  Time goes by so slowly when you are counting each day.  My next appt is Thursday January 19th.


I'm hanging in there. Feeling anxiety of course. Today I am 8 weeks 4 days. I keep wondering if our little baby is still moving around in there. The farthest I've gotten is 8 weeks 3 days so I am super nervous. On a good note yesterday I had horrible and constant morning sickness all day and couldn't stop eating so I am praying that is a good sign. Hoping I have more of the same today. I wish I had another ultrasound next week but he says to wait until week 10. Dec 13th seems so far away. I just want to know our little ones heart is still beating strong you know? Wish I could fast forward to Dec 27th and be out of the first trimester already. The days pass by so slowly. 

Keeping the faith that God is watching over our little one and protecting him or her and this pregnancy.

Hormone Rage and Morning Sickness! 11-30-11

Wow- Last night I had a total hormone raging fit!  My poor husband.  I think everything just hit me at once, the stress, lack of sleep, raging hormones, nausea, etc.  I was trying to get to sleep and one thing after another kept happening.  The phone ringing constantly, trying to get our 2 year old to bed, and tossing and turning because it was hard to find a comfortable spot to lay my head.  I totally lost it and went off on my husband.  Thankfully I was able to calm down and apologize.

Morning Sickness-feeling nausous pretty much constantly.  I'm not complaining in fact I welcome it because I know it is a good sign but wow.  I am constantly trying to keep food in my stomach to help ease the symptoms but nothing seems to help.  I woke up at 5:30am and had intense hunger pains so I made myself an english muffin with peanut butter, bananas, and honey.  That seemed to help for a good hour but then I was starving again! 

I honestly don't care if I have morning sickness for the next 4-5 weeks.  Just get me to that next trimester with a healthy growing baby in me.

Update from Ultrasound #2 HEARTBEAT!! 10a 11/29/11

Ultrasound went great!  Strong heartbeat and baby measuring perfectly at 8 weeks 2 days!  We saw baby's legs and feet moving :)  What a beautiful sight to see! 

I'm still really nervous. My next ultrasound is two weeks from today. I'll be 10 weeks 2 days then. Praying everything looks good. It's been a stressful 8 weeks. I've just had so much anxiety. Going to acupuncture weekly to help with stress and sustain the pregnancy. 

Today we saw so much more than last week. It's amazing how much happens over the course of 7 days! Today he showed us baby's legs and feet and we watched him/her move around a bit. I've never gotten to see that before so it was exciting but I still find myself trying to stay detached somewhat because I've had the rug ripped out from underneath me so many times. Really trying to stay positive but I don't think I will be able to truly relax for a while. Maybe until week 20?

2 weeks seems so far away to see our baby again :(:(
wish I had an ultrasound machine so I could see him/her everyday but I know it's a good thing I don't

What a wonderful day!  God is Good!

Anxiety 11-29-11

In less than 2 hours I go for my follow up ultrasound.  I didn't sleep at all last night.  Maybe a total of 3 hours?  My mind would not stop racing and it is still going which is why I am up so early writing.  Praying praying praying we see our little one's strong healthy heartbeat and he/she is measuring perfectly.


Went for my ultrasound yesterday and we saw a very healthy strong heartbeat!  I did another lipid treatment this morning and go for another ultrasound next Tuesday.  The doc was very optimistic and said he will be shocked it I don't carry this baby to term.  Next Tuesdays's ultrasound is an important one for us.  Praying we see baby's strong heartbeat again :)

Anxiety and Morning Sickness 11-16-11

This morning I had the worst morning sickness. I just felt awful. I tried to eat my gummy vitamin and almost threw up.  I pray this is a good sign.  I finally was able to get some yogurt and cottage cheese down with some cantaloupe.  Waiting for the Lovenox shipment to arrive in the mail.  I'm almost out of heparin and it is supposed to be here before noon.  Yesterday I had to deal with the insurance company on coverage for the new meds.  I kind of went into panic mode for a little bit but I think we have it all straightened out.

I want this pregnancy to be successful so badly.  I pray to God and St. Gerard every day.  Anxiety creeps in when I think about the future.  I'm really trying to focus on being in the present but it's hard.  My mind likes to wander.


Every morning I wake up with anxiety.  Today of course I have it but Kayla is helping surpress the feelings a bit.  She is so amazing.  I look at her and have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming and she is really my daughter.  I love her so much.  2 year olds are so darn cute.  They are so sweet and considerate (when they aren't having tantrums or melt downs).  We are very lucky to have K.  She is a bright little girl and her terrible two incidents are few. 

Tomorrow I go back to acupuncture.  I am really looking forward to relaxing and pampering myself.


Today I am filled with anxiety.  Each day seems to pass even slower than the rest.  I'm in a cranky mood today.  I just want to get through this first trimester.  Some parts of the day I feel good.  Confident.  Calm.  But then other parts ofthe day I am scared beyond belief at the slightest cramp.  I'm analyizing each piece of toilet paper.  I'm driving myself insane.  I know this is a combinationof many things.  The anxiety of being pregnant again after multiple miscarriages, my hormones fluctuating all over the place, and coming off of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I long for a simpler time

Written 11-10-11

I finally had a decent night sleep last night. Wasn't the best but much better than the nights prior. I should have just gone to AcuHealth in the first place. What a 180 from the day prior! I will always go with my gut from now on. When I got there to see Robert he had me lay on a massage chair, gave me a neck rub to loosen the tension, put the needles in, heat lamp on my feet, a cover for my eyes, and an ipod to listen to with music and guided meditation. Afterwards I was given another neck massage and tea. I can't wait to go back next week :):)

He said it was very egotistical of the other acupuncturist to make such statements based on the appearance of my tongue and it is very old school. Robert believes in working with Western Medicine and he has seen great results with the lipid treatment I did last Sat.

Major Anxiety! (written 11/8/11)

6am: I am having the worst anxiety ever. I can't sleep at night and don't even take naps during the day like i used to. I know this anxiety and stress isn't good for the baby and I need to stop. I think I should go back to acupuncture. What are your thoughts on acupuncture and herbs? I am going to call my doc today and ask him what he thinks because I don't want anything to interfere with his treatment plan but I need to find some peace and decent sleep I'm so scared I don't know what to do. Do I go back to my latest acupuncturist? Do I try someone new? ugh I'm so torn right now. I just want to make sure I do the right thing for this baby and help him/her survive and make it into this world. I just feel so helpless and want to cry

8:45a: I just talked to the nurse at my doc office and he said acupuncture is totally fine but he wants me to stay away from the herbs so I am going today at 10 for my acupuncture appt. Sorry for all of the ranting. I'm just a ball of nerves
so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

11:52a: so I went to acupuncture and he told me I as carrying a lot of heat in my liver and he wasn't very positive. I started balling after he put the needles in and left the room. I went there to feel better and not I feel so much worse. I can't handle this anymore. Win or Lose I'm done with this. I've hit my breaking point.

He saw me in tears when he came back to take the needles out and said he would try his hardest and that I need to come in twice a week until the 4th month. I'm so exhausted and feel like throwing my hands up in the air right now. I can only do so much down here. It's in God's hands. I just pray he lets me keep this one.

Pregnancy Number 9 (written on 11/6/11)

Yep it's hard to believe that this is Pregnancy number 9 for me! I found out Thursday that my blood work came back at 967!!! I was on CD 31 that day. The very next day was hectic. I had to go in for a culture to make sure I didn't have any infections. Those tests still haven't come back but he decided to put me on antibiotics just in case because he feels that could be contributing to my losses. He then told me about this Lipid IV treatment he has been using with great success. When his patients have been unable to get pregnant he uses this treatment and within months they are pregnant. He has also been using this with his recurrent miscarriage patients and it has helped them carry to term. Of course I saif I was on board. We both agreed that this pregnancy we are pulling out all of the stops.

So I ran all over creation getting prescriptions filled. I picked up my IV bag full of Lipid for the treatment the next day. Saturday morning I woke up early to drop Kayla off at my parents since my husband had to work. I went back to the Fertility and Miscarriage Clinic and they set me up with the IV and I played with the iPad until the bag finished draining into my arm. It didn't hurt and I felt fine until......I went ot get my second round of HCG betas drawn. As they were drawing my blood I noticed it was coming out slow. (Dr. C was checking some other tests as well so I had to fill 6 vials this time) The phlebotomist must have picked a weak vein because I started to get very faint and dizzy. I was sweating, my ears felt plugged, and I was seeing stars. I told him right away and he took out the needle and had me rest a while. I am very surprised I didn't black out. I've only had that reaction once before back in 2003 when I was getting blood drawn on an empty stomach. What an awful feeling it was!

After I regained my barrings we finished filling up the vials and I was on my way back to my parent's house. I anxiously waited all day to hear what my second set of numbers were. I even called the office and left a message on the off chance someone happened to check it over the weekend. At 3:30pm doc called me and said things looked good. My number was 1987! (it more than doubled)

Breaking My Silence......

You may have noticed I have been kind quiet on here since October.  I've been writing a lot of posts but not publishing them until I felt secure enough to say something.  I still feel a little scared in sharing this news but...... here goes.....  I'M 15 WEEKS PREGNANT!

The following posts are ones I wrote throughout this whole journey thus so far.  I still have to post ultrasound pics. (I've had 8, yes 8 ultrasounds!)  It's been a stressful few months but I'm still here trudging along. I think I am am still in shock! 

If I'm friends with you on FB please wait until I make my announcement there to comment on my wall- Thanks!

Monday, January 2, 2012


Well- it's 2012.  A brand New Year.  I've already broken 2 of my New Years Resolutions.  :(
1. to stay off the Internet medical websites (I always look things up and freak myself out)  I hate that I am such a researcher!
2. cursing (I got upset with myself for breaking resolution #1 and I am pretty sure I let the f-bomb slip a few times).

But- Today is a New Day.  New Years Resolutions are back in full effect and I am determined to stick with them.  So- starting today, Jan 2, 2012 I......

1. Will stay off Internet Medical Websites
2. Will not curse

#3 is actually my #1 New Years Resolution- To trust that God has me exactly where He wants me to be at this exact moment. I only have control over so much and I need to trust Him.  Easier said than done I know but I really need to focus on this one. 

This time of year is always a tough one for me.  The excitement of the holidays are gone and now we wait.  Wait for Valentine's Day, wait for Spring.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect,  the sun is shinning, the flowers are blooming, and it's K's birthday.  I look forward to planning her birthday parties every year.  They always happen on the brightest, sunniest days.  She is my saving grace.  Our miracle baby.  I often wonder where would I be without her? 

I look at 2012 as a new beginning and pray that it is a year filled with miracles and much happiness for all.