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Monday, January 11, 2010

4 Years TTC and Carry to Term

I actually wrote this back in January and forgot to post it for some reason:

ugh I'm depressed now. They just announced that a co-worker is pregnant with her 3rd baby and is due May 1st. I was due May 8th with the last pregnancy. At least I will only have to see her once next week when I fly for my business trip and won't have to attend a baby shower or anything. I don't do baby showers anyways. I am very happy for her but sad for me. I hate this feeling. Guess I will get over it like I have in the past. It just sucks feeling this way.

I have many sleepless nights thinking about why I can't carry to term. It's something I think about every single day. Every night I pray that God will let me have just 1 successful pregnancy and birth. It will be 4 years since we started TTC (trying to conceive) on Feb 14th. 4 years!

My brain won't shut it off . I keep trying to solve the puzzle and it just frustrates me more. The one thing I am holding on to is that I read in a booked called Coming to Term that if a woman keeps trying enough times eventually one pregnancy will stick and result in a live healthy birth even without medical intervention.(although I still use the progesterone and lovenox when I am pregnant) My doctor has said this as well. To anyone reading-If you don't believe this to be true please don't tell me. I still believe anything is possible.

I feel guilty because I know if my husband would have married someone else he would have a baby or 2 or 3 by now. It breaks my heart that I can't give this to him and that I have been pregnant 6 times and not 1 has survived. Just doesn't seem fair.

I do realize I need to focus on what I have and be grateful. It could be so much worse. I am blessed that I have a beautiful baby girl who lights up my life. Although I didn't give birth to her I love her as if I had more than anyone could possibly know. I am experiencing the joys of motherhood.

So yes- I am very lucky in the fact that I am a mother, I have an amazing child and husband, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, etc. It's just hard to focus on those things when you want the other things so badly and everyone around you seems to get it the easy way.

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