Monday, March 21, 2011
The Universe and another BFN
It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans. We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime. We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds. My husband was actually considering the possibility The next day all of our plans fell apart.
I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month. I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon. 3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous. After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth. I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me. God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears. I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body. Why won't it just work like everyone elses???
I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth. Man I wish this was something that came easy to me. I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.