Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas 2009 and Looking On to 2010
What an amazing Christmas 2009 turned out to be! Becoming a mom is the greatest gift I was given this year. Kayla received tons of presents! We hosted our family holiday party, like we do every year, and opened presents as a family of 3 Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas has always been watching others open up their presents. Watching their faces light up when they get that gift they have been wanting. It’s what makes the holiday for me.
Guess I have a little of the after Christmas blues although I don't think they are blues because the holiday is gone. It is more of a sadness because pretty much everyone around me is pregnant. Guess it is just hard because I should still be pregnant right now with my 6th pregnancy. I seriously know about 5 or 6 people due around the time I would have been in 2010. I thought this strong feeling to want to carry to term and give birth would go away once I became a mom through adoption but I just can't shake it. I LOVE being a mommy and I LOVE Kayla so much but there is still something inside me that won't let go and let me give up on carrying a pregnancy to term myself. I want more than anything to give Kayla a sibling and although I will totally adopt again I just really want to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy living baby. It's so frustrating to feel this way still. I feel so bad. How come being a mommy isn't enough for me? How come I still want to be pregnant and have that pregnant belly and experience giving birth? Having Kayla has been a true miracle and I am so proud and lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I can’t imagine my life without her and I Thank God every single night that He has blessed me with such a wonderful little girl. I guess I just sit and wonder if I will ever be able to give her a sibling myself. I want her to have a little brother or sister if not 2. I wish I had the freedom, like most women do, to decide when I will have my second child, get pregnant, and know that baby will actually be born and not end in another miscarriage. It’s so weird to think that just 5 years ago I had no clue having a family would be such a challenge. I just can’t give up yet. I still feel it will happen one day and when it does, I will be ready.
2009 brought many blessings my way. Here is to an even more amazing 2010!