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Monday, August 2, 2010


I know 15 people who have either given birth or announced their pregnancies in the last 2 months. 15!  Isn't that crazy?  Whatever water they are drinking can I please have some?

Today I was overwhelmed with so much emotion at all of the pregnancy announcements. I was genuinely upset but the tears wouldn't come out.  It wasn't until my husband got home that the tears began flowing.  So many beautiful babies entering our world and none of them are through me. Baby bumps and ultrasound pictures are being posted among my friends on social networking sites.  I guess today it finally got to me.

The only ultrasound pictures I have to share are the ones below.  2 out of 7 babies were actually captured on screen and they both passed away shortly after seeing their beautiful heartbeats.  All of the pain from those losses came rushing back suddenly.  I don't even have that amazing ultrasound picture of Kayla to share with her when she is older or display in her room like everyone else does.  Our birth mom didn't pass that one along to me when we adopted her and I think it may be inappropriate to ask for it now.

For a split second I lost hope of ever carrying a pregnancy to term but as soon as the tears dried and I stood up I felt that sense of determination come rushing back.  Something in me won't let this go.  Something in me won't let me give up.  As long as I have that feeling in my heart I know that I have to keep trying.  There is a reason I feel this way and to give up now on that dream would be such a huge disservice to myself and this long treacherous journey I have embarked on.  I have to keep trying. I have to keep believing.


            Devon James passed away Oct 2007

Ashton Michael passed away September 2009

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