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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Feeling Conflicted

Tonight I got home and there was a packet from the adoption agency we used back in 2009 to adopt our daughter.  They are offering us an amazing deal to sign on with them again (by march 20th) to bring home another baby.  I want this sooooo bad!  But I know my hubby is going to say no.  I have this burning desire to have a newborn again and I'm so burnt out on trying this on my own.  Am I just thinking about giving up too soon?

As I sit here at the computer I feel like crying.  I've thought about how to approach my husband about this.  I have even thought about telling him I will give up acupuncture (which would save us $400-$500 a month) buying the wheat grass shots, spending the money on progesterone cream and vitamins, staying in this house I hate as long as he wants, and giving up TTC (trying to conceive) thing altogether.  But then a part of me wonders, Am I giving up on myself too soon?  Or is 8 miscarriages enough?  Where is my breaking point?  Will this offer from our agency come around again in a year or 2 after I've tried carrying to term with acupuncture?  Ugh I just wish I was rich. If I was I would sign back on with my adoption agency AND keep trying for my keeper.

I feel so lost.  I want to have at least 2 children (always wanted 3) and I of course would love to carry a pregnancy to term and do it myself but this opportunity to adopt and bring home another baby in 2011 is here.  I envy those celebrities who can pay for whatever they want sometimes.

My whole plan for 2011 was this:

  1. Continue acupuncture (which I have been doing since May of 2010)
  2. take wheat grass daily
  3. take B12, B6, folic acid, Fish Oil, etc everyday
  4. Get pregnant and get to the point of seeing a heartbeat and see if acupuncture can sustain the pregnancy all the way through.

If the above didn't work I wanted to adopt #2 or try a different fertility route.

But now this opportunity has presented itself and it is tugging at my heart strings.

I just want to cry.  Why can't having a baby be easier :'(

BTW month #2 of trying and it was another BFN (Big Fat Negative)

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