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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Nothing in life is perfect

Feeling kind of down a lot lately.  I feel like I am letting everyone down because I was laid off from my job.  It's only been 4 weeks since I was let go so I know I need to give it more time but I want to be able to provide for my family.  I get into these moments of bitterness towards the company that laid me off.  After everything that we have been through this year, some of which I have not written about on this blog, how could they let me go with a preemie newborn at home? I'm the only one that lost their job in the company.  It would have been the perfect situation so that I could stay home and be with Livie and still make decent money.  I know things happen for a reason and I love the time I have with Livie right now but in the back of my mind I have this worry about what is going to happen when the money runs out.  I've had an interview every week since I was laid off which is promising but no offers yet. 

It's a Catch 22.  I need a job so we can pay our bills but I don't want to leave Livie to go into an office.  Guess I'm just torn.  For almost 4 years I had the perfect set up and I was counting on that same set up for Livie.  She needs me more than ever right now.  I just feel so scorned and screwed over by yet another small company who I thought cared and was different from the rest.  They were so supportive and I was always honest about the things I was going through and never let my job performance suffer.  Even through my many miscarriages I never took days off to recover. I kept pushing forward and now that I finally have my miracle baby I feel like the rug was ripped from underneath me.  I guess when it comes down to it I feel betrayed.  With Kayla's adoption they were so supportive and happy for me.  With Livie's birth I was treated the exact opposite.  It just goes to show that no company is who they say they are.  Things change.  People change and when it comes to money nothing matters but the dollars in the bank or lack there of.  The song Wide Awake from Katy Perry comes to mind and when I listen to it I feel empowered but also hurt and angry.  I know now that I will never be so open with my employer about the things going on in my personal life.  I will never trust when they say my health and safety and family come first because it's not true. 

Things have been a little challenging lately.  We've been battling reflux issues with Livie and been to the doc every week.  I just want her to feel better.  It makes me want to burst in to tears when she is in pain from constipation, or throwing up her formula.  Thankfully things are getting a little better.  We are on reflux meds and we have changed formula and doctors.  We may have to see a GI doc at Phoenix Children's if this keeps up but I am told it is very typical for preemies. 

This time away from working has been nice since I have had more time with my girls.  I went swimming with Kayla tonight and spend the days with Livie and clean house, run errands etc but by the end of the day I am exhausted and frustrated with the heat.  Sorry to give myself a pity party.  I think I am just trying to do everything perfectly and when I fall short I get disappointed in myself.  I'm trying to let things go and just let God and the Universe take over.  This bitterness isn't good for me.  Jobs will come and go.  The important thing is that I have my beautiful Livie and Kayla and my supportive husband.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Nothing in life is perfect so I need to stop trying to be perfect myself and accept things as they come.