So Frustrated I want to Cry!!!

Urgh I am so frustrated I want to cry right now.  So far I've spent over $500 on prescriptions and vitamins for this viral protocol.  I just called to see how much my heparin will cost and insurance isn't covering ANYTHING!!!  $339.23 for my heparin!  I HATE my insurance plan!  Hate it!!  I have a $500 deductible.  It's almost May.  Surly I have met it by now.  So why aren't they covering any of it?  Of course I called to talk to them and they are closed because I live in Phoenix and they are on East Coast time.  Meanwhile I have 21 days worth of Lovenox from my last pregnancy that hopefully my doc is going to let me use. The nurse said that should be fine but she has to talk to him tomorrow and find out the dosage.  I will still have to get the heparin once that Lovenox runs out but maybe the cost won't be so bad since we will have a few paychecks coming in before then.

Keep in mind that when we had an HMO heparin never cost this much and Lovenox was covered at 100%!  Now that my husband's company has forced us to go PPO we are paying out of pocket for so much.  What is the point in having insurance if it isn't going to cover anything?  Ugh I just want to cry.  I'm tired of pouring our hard earned money into fertility treatments when others are popping babies out at the cost of a co-pay for their hospital visit.   It's just so unfair.

Last night my husband told me he was mad at me because this is costing so much.  I know he is frustrated at the cost and worried about money but that really made me feel like crap.  I didn't sleep well at all. I cried this morning.  If I wasn't so broken and my body worked like almost every other females we would have so much extra money to do things.  Why is the cost of wanting a family so much for us when for most others it doesn't cost them nearly as much if anything? 

Acupuncture alone is $100 a week.  So essentially I am paying the amount of 4 car payments a month.  The 2 car payments I actually have, the acupuncture, and then daycare.  That's an extra $1100 we spend a month on acupuncture and daycare.  I don't mind spending the money on daycare but of course I would rather be a stay at home mom instead.  WHEN baby number 2 comes along he/she will stay home with me for the first year like Kayla did.  I work from home so that isn't a problem. 

I just want a check to fall out of the sky or obtrain the winning lottery numbers.  Sorry to rant and rave here. I am just so frustrated.  Over 5 years and thousands of dollars we still are only 1/2 way to having the family we always dreamed of.

Why is this dream so hard to attain?!

Pill Popping Machine

Here is an update from my appointment this morning regarding the blood work. (15 vials of blood later)

Basically what the test results revealed was that I have an underlying viral condition. (most likely caused by Epstein Bar) a mono type virus I got when I was in high school. My eggs are excellent he said and there is nothing wrong with my cycle. I guess a certain number needs to be at least 200 for egg quality and I am at 250 which is great news.

He has me doing a viral protocol in which I am going to be a pill popping machine for the next 6-7 weeks! I also have to do my heparin injections 2x a day which means no bikini this summer. (heparin injections leave the tummy black and blue). I have to exercise every day for 25 min between 4-8p and get deep sleep every night between 10p-6a. Attached is a pic of all of the meds I had to buy today. (Heparin and syringes not included in pic). Once this is done I go to the bee keeper in Mesa for 2 bee stings in June.

THEN we can start trying to conceive again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all but if it gets me to carry to term I will do it.

 Please Please Please pray this works.

Once I am pregnant I will of course be on heparin again along with prednisone and acyclovir and possibly an antibiotic. He says my body isn’t handling the stress of a pregnancy very well and the vessels are tightening up causing me to lose the babies. Doing this protocol will put my body back in line and get it ready for pregnancy. Once pregnant they will continue doing tests and adjust my meds daily to get me into the 2nd trimester. I may even be on the meds throughout the entire pregnancy.

God I pray this works. This is our last and final attempt. My husband said if we lose another one we are done and will look at another adoption possibly. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. We are going on 5 years of this crap and frankly I’m tired of the rug being pulled out from underneath me each time.

Waiting for Tuesday

Blood work came back for Progesterone and it was 18.5 which is way above 3 so I didn't have to do the Birth Control Pills.  Last Tuesday they took 12 vials of blood from me and ran numerous tests.  They are still waiting for 2 more tests so my follow up to go over the the whole panel of results is next Tuesday at 10:15a.  God I pray he has found something that is fixable.  I don't want to be classified as "unexplained."  I want a reason and I want it fixed so I can carry to term and give birth.

Feeling kind of down today.  Hoping the fact that this weekend is Easter will cheer me up. I am so ready for a vacation.  Too bad we aren't going on one until July.  Hopefully by then I will be pregnant and things will be going well :)

So for now I'm Waiting for Tuesday.

Healing Incantation

Sometimes I wish this worked outside of a Disney Movie.

Flower, gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the Fates' design

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

New Hope!

After my week of darkness and depression and recieving yet another BFN I decided enough was enough.  I called my first RE and made an appointment with him to go over everything that I have been through in the past 5 years and bring him up to speed on the 5 losses I had after I left his office back in 2008.

He had very good things to say!  He has done a lot more research on recurrent miscarriages and discovered new things in the past 3 years that I can benefit from.  New tests, new treatments, etc.  I had my first ultrasound last Monday and went for blood work to check my FSH level on CD 4.  I surged Sunday morning and was having major ovulation pains on the right side. (which he said is a really good sign) Today I went in for my 2nd u/s so he could measure my lining and see if I was ovulating correctly. 

My lining looked awesome and I had released an egg from my right ovary.  So we can mark that off the list. I am ovulating appropriately and lining isn't an issue. 

Next we went over my first blood test results and my FSH has gone down!  This was exciting news for me because previous doctors have told me that I have the eggs of a 42 year old which sent me into a huge depressed state.  I'm only 31 years old!  So I started acupuncture to lower that number and it has worked!  Anything under 11 is good and I'm a 9.2!!  Needless to say I am ecstatic.  It means that the herbs, the acupuncture, the wheat grass shots, the vitamins, the lack of caffeine....it all means my hard work is finally paying off!  My doc said my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing.  Now we have to figure out what is going wrong once a baby gets in there.

Next Steps: 
This Friday I go in for blood work  to get a serum progesterone blood draw.  They should call me Friday afternoon to let me know the next steps.  Hoping for a good progesterone number.  The next battery of tests he has me taking will be a week from tomorrow.  Tuesday April 12th. (Ironically, our daughter's second birthday)

Test 1: Morning Fasting Labs
PAI-1, LPA, homocycstine, D-dimer, TNH-alpha< TSH, ANA, ATA, EBV, CMV, HHV6Ab, Cortisol,, DHEA-s, FBS, 17OH progesterone, DOC, uric acid, CRPO-hs, cholesterol, and triglyceride panel.

I have no idea what most of these tests are and can only imagine how many vials of blood they will be taking from me but it is comforting to know that he is being very thorough and checking EVERYTHING!

Test 2: That same day I go back for 4pm labs for 1Gf-1 and cortisol.

Whew-  good thing he wrote all of that down for me and it's a good thing I am not afraid of getting blood work done or needles anymore.  Lord knows I have been poked and prodded  millions of times by phlebotomists since we began trying to have a baby back in 2006.

I left his office this morning feeling great, feeling hopeful.  I KNOW I can do this. I just need the right doc to find out what's wrong.  Everything in my body is saying to keep trying and to not give up.   Who knows what 2011 will bring.  Hopefully a successful healthy pregnancy and a live birth in 2012!