Yesterday I broke down and took an HPT test. It was positive. Of course I was excited. But last night the spotting started and into this morning. I pray that I just tested too early and this is a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I go for blood work today at 9am.
This morning I finally broke down in tears and came to the realization that maybe this just isn't going to happen for me. Maybe I'm meant to be an adoptive mother and not give birth to any children myself. Maybe God put me on this earth to do just that. I never really thought I couldn't do this..... until this morning. How many more times can I put myself and my husband through this? We are going on almost 6 years and 8 maybe 9 miscarriages. I am so thankful Kayla is too young to understand what is going on but I know one day she will ask me why she doesn't have a brother or sister.
It just breaks my heart to not be able to experience the joys of pregnancy and giving birth. I feel like I'm robbing my husband and my parents of this amazing experience. In short, I feel like a failure. My husband can reassure me that I'm not but that still doesn't change the way I feel.
So today I'm praying I just tested too early and it was a false positive. I'm praying that this is just Aunt Flow showing me her ugly face this month. If it is another chemical pregnancy then everything we've been through with the viral protocol and bee sting has been a waste.
Today, as I was getting Kayla ready for daycare I was reminded just how lucky I am. I spent extra time with her this morning helping her get ready for school (a.k.a daycare). She is so amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without her. (probably in the loony bin!).