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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When will I finally be able to breath?

Friday night the unthinkable happened.  Our birth mom told us that Kayla's birth father found out about the adoption and was going to fight to get her back. I was in tears all weekend. Between being on the phone with my sister-in-law who works for CPS in the adoption unit, my social worker, leaving messages for my attorney and anyone who could give me advice I finally had to talk to my BM (birth mom) and ask her to tell me the whole story about Kayla's father because as far as we knew he was unknown.

So here it is:
She was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lied and didn't tell her he was married. When she found out she broke up with him but of course they had slept together. Around that same time she slept with another guy. When our daughter was born the other guy took a paternity test and he was ruled out. Therefore leaving the married guy to be our daughter's bio father. BM ran into BF (birth father)when she was 4 months pregnant and he told her congrats on her pregnancy. She said it might be his but he did nothing. Never kept in touch, never followed up. This whole time he thought she was raising the baby with the other guy but when he found out she had given the baby up for adoption he decided he wanted to fight for our daughter. So over 2 years after the baby's birth he NOW wants to take responsibility? Too Late. We took all of the legal steps to terminate his rights (i.e publishing in the newspapers the needed information) He had 90 days to come forward and he didn't so our adoption was finalized. (Nov 09)

Since he knew about the pregnancy and that the baby might be his and did nothing, legally he "abandoned mom and baby" which already terminates his rights. Not sure if we will still have a fight on our hands but at least I know he doesn't have a case.
I am so emotionally exhausted from all of this. I wish growing our family wasn't such an up hill battle. It shouldn't be this hard you know?

To put my mind at ease our attorney emailed us the following response after talking to us on the phone:

Hi Lisa & Weston,
As I told both of you, your adoption is secure. Pursuant to the Arizona Revised Statutes (ARS 8-117), to contest your adoption, the birth father would have had to file an appeal to the Arizona Court of Appeals within 15 days of your adoption hearing held on 11/3/09. Additionally, pursuant to ARS 8-123, after one year from 11/3/09, any irregularity in your adoption is deemed cured and your adoption cannot be attacked on any ground. If you should hear from this man, tell him that you have nothing to discuss with him and if he has any questions he may call your adoption attorney.
No worries!

Words can't express what I went through this weekend.  The feelings I experienced, the fear I still have now. Hearing this news for a split second made me feel like I wasn't a real mom.  Like every joy I have experienced raising our amazing daughter was about to be ripped from my arms and smashed on the ground.  It's amazing how someone you don't even know can make you feel like that.  I know this is not the case.  I know that I am Kayla's REAL mom and my husband is her REAL dad.  

What makes you a mom or dad?  
Having your sperm meet some one's egg?  Simply the act of carrying a baby in your womb and giving birth?  Or does it mean nurturing and caring for a child and putting all of your own needs and wants aside to provide the best life possible for that child?  Many women (notice I said many and not all) can pop out a baby but what really matters is what kind of mother are they to that child.  Are you an encourager?  

All I know is I have fought long and hard to become a mom and I will damned if anybody tries to take that away from me!

In the meantime we are on cycle 2 of trying to get pregnant since the protocol so in addition to all of this news I had to do my trigger shot Friday morning which made me extra emotional due to the HCG in my system.  With all of this stress I won't be surprised if I don't end up pregnant this cycle but we will see.  I can't wait for the day when I can finally breath and look back on this with relief and say "I did it.  I didn't give up. I survived."


  1. a) I'm sending lots of positive energy your way re: getting pregnant...and in your quest to be more joyful for preggo friends instead of more jealous of. I know those struggles all too well...and the struggle of hating thinking that way, but not being able to help it. Point being: I'm sending lots of sticky dust your way and am keeping you in my prayers to carry a little one to term.
    b) I want to junk punch BioDad. I know it's rude to say, but I can't STAND the fact that he thinks he has rights to YOUR child. I hope he learns hard and fast (through attourneys) that he is 0% a dad. He abandoned his unborn child and has never been a father to her. You and your husband have been blessed to have her in your lives. He will never fully know what he lost by simply never caring about his biokid. And he will never, ever take your parenthood away from you.

  2. Thank you so much Kiersten for your positive enegery and your comments. They are greatly appreciated. I agree aboutyour comments on the Bio Dad as well.Praying we don't hear from him ever.