"What's that?"
(I had no idea what she was talking about)
She said, "Is that a baby belly? You're pregnant!?"
(Ouch that one hurt)
I smiled and said, "no, not yet."
Inside I was crying. I wish I could have been saying "yes I am and look at my beautiful belly! We are so excited Kayla is going to be a big sister! "
But no I gave the same answer I always do "no, not yet" (insert fake smile on face).
I'll admit it. I'm a good faker when it comes to these kind of situations. I walk into my fertility docs office and I'm all smiles. You wouldn't even think I have experienced 8 miscarriages in almost 6 years. I guess I'm pretty good at pulling it off now. But deep down I'm very sad. I want to be like most women out there and have a labor and delivery story to share. I want belly pics to post and send to family and friends. I want to go shopping for maternity clothes. I just feel like a part of me is missing.
Okay- I'm snapping out of it. I just did my EFT (emotional freedom tapping) and I need to move forward, not backwards. I need to get out of this funk and look at all of the wonderful things I have in my life.
I am very blessed and very lucky.
- I have a wonderful husband
- an amazing daughter who is my world
- a roof over my head
- a job
- my health
- my determination
- wonderful supportive parents
- amazing friends
- knowledge
- The car I have been wanting
- 2 dogs that adore me (I'm the one they get treats and walks from:) )
So why isn't it enough? Why can't I let this one thing go? Just because I didn't give birth to become a mom, shouldn't I just be thankful for what I have?
I guess as humans we always want more and when we finally get it, we want something else. It's a vicious circle isn't it.
Moving upward and onwards. Doing my exercises to boost fertility, watching my sugar, taking my vitamins, and trying to stay healthy and positive. Come on September! Let's make this a great month!
If you want to learn more about EFT check out Fertile Mind Set TV on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=Of5pWLLyd5U
Also-Sarah Holland's website http://www.fertilemindset.com/
Ouch! I can't imagine having to have that conversation with the teacher. Over the weekend, I had someone (who knows I'm infertile) say "You know how it is those first few weeks after you have a baby, blah blah blah" I just stared and blinked. Seriously. Nice list! Keep that positivity going!
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura. Why would someone say that to you? Was she not thinking? I'm sorry you had to experience that over the weekend.
ReplyDeleteWhat an idiot! I bet she felt bad, but surely hasn't she learned that you just don't ask people if they are pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI like EFT too, but forget to use it! I'm gonna check out your links.
You think people would learn. I mean...honestly! I can think of almost nothing ruder than asking a woman if she's pregnant when it's not TOTALLY obvious...especially if they know you've been TTC. It hurts each and every time. I'm so sorry that happened to you. The plastered smiles are hard (I've definitely been there), but a part of me firmly believes the fake-it-to-make-it mindset...and I'm glad to see you're keeping the positive energy flowing freely. You're in my thoughts and I'm praying for a rockin month for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments. Today I am 8 DPO and just did my booster HCG shot. We shall see what happens in 11 days! (that's testing day for me)
ReplyDeleteTurtleMama-I like EFT. Hope you had a chance to go to the site.
Kiersten-I totally agree. Unless they are clearly 8-9 months pregnant I never say anything to anyone.
-Lisa