On a Good Day

Today I woke up with a feeling of total saddness. I don't know what brought it on.  Was it watching my month old nephew yesterday?  Was it the millions of pregnancy/birth annoucements I keep hearing?  Is it because this is the last month of "Taking a Break" before we start trying again and I am deathly afraid of losing pregnancy number 8 when we start trying again in 2011?  So many things are running through my mind. I've worked so hard but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.  It's all so overwhelming and I am exhausted.  I started losing hope that I will ever carry to term and give birth and needed a good friend to help talk me down from the ledge. I don't know how she does it but some how she puts that hope and fight back in me when I feel like I am about to give up.  I was on Facebook and my husband's cousin posted this song.  It totally spoke to me.  Below are the lyrics and the youtube video.  It's a very relaxing song that puts me at ease for some reason.

Oceanlab- On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...A little bit lonely

Little bit cold here

A little bit feared

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

And it feels like me

On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit cold

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me

On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

-UNKNOWN

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss.  She got me thinking about a lot of things.  How I can feel 2 different things at the same time.  Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant.  It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too.  The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time.  She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings.  I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest .  I go again in 2 weeks.  I really liked her office.  In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them.  The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it. 

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more.  I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't.  I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture.  Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too.  Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.



I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

Feeling kind of lost right now.  Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now.  When are things going to get easier?  Will they ever?  Life is so frustrating sometimes. 

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ?  Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.  Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much.  I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

 Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday.  (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone.  I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

• October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
• October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
• October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon.  Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my  supportive friends.  It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.
   
Thank You!

Feeling Depressed

 I’m feeling really depressed right now. I’ve been super sick with first a sore throat, then pink eye, and now an ear infection. My ear has been clogged for over a week now. I am so miserable living in our old house.  (we short sold our other home due to the real estate crash in Phoenix but moved back into our rental property downtown that we lived in when we were first married.)  I miss my old neighborhood and my old house with my beautiful backyard and amazing kitchen. It’s been a hard adjustment. I know I know I am probably just being a spoiled brat but I am so unhappy.


Another reason I am so depressed is everyone is having their babies now. On facebook it is like baby overload. I want it so badly. I LOVE Kayla with all my heart but I want to post pregnant belly pics like everyone else. I want that pic of me in the hospital bed with Kayla and my hubby holding the new baby I just gave birth to.  I miss when K was an infant.  This toddler stage is a blast and I am having so much fun but I still feel like there is a little one missing. Does that make sense? My life feels so incomplete since I haven’t carried a pregnancy to term like everyone else around me. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I had to hang out with my friend yesterday and she is 38 weeks pregnant with number 2. I’m so jealous of her belly.

Then to top it all off I was watching Desperate Housewives last night and almost the whole show was about Lynette’s baby and she was so cute and cuddly. I want that again and again and again. Maybe I’m just going through a depressed mood because October is when I lost both of the babies that had heartbeats. Maybe my body remembers that subconsciously every year and it pulls me into a tailspin of depression. I just don’t know.  I feel like the only way I am going to have another baby is if I can do it through my own body because my hubby doesn’t seem to want to pursue another adoption anytime soon. I wish I could just let this go and be happy with what I have.   I love my daughter as if I carried her for 9 months but I still feel like I'm missing out on a wonderful amazing experience.  I love being a mommy and I am so ready for number 2. 

Sorry for my downer post.  I know I am blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, a roof over my head and a job.  I guess I just want more.

It's a Crazy Busy Life!

I know it has been awhile since I have written on this blog.  Life has been soooo busy.I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions all at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I have been dealing with some medical drama and and we also moved to our other property downtown which has been very stressful. We are in the process of selling our other house and it is taking forever given the Phoenix housing climate. On top of that, work has been kicking my butt!!I seriously just need a break a vacation or something! 


On to the medical drama. I have been having burning and tingling for the past month throughout my body. In fact as I type this my palms are burning and itching. I checked online and totally freaked myself out because I saw that they were symptoms of MS. I was convinced I had it. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac) I even went to the ER one morning my palms were so burning so bad. They literally felt like they were on fire but when I looked at them they didn't look red or any different. The ER did a CT scan and everything looked fine. Said it was anxiety. Then I went to my doc and asked him to order an MRI. That came back normal. Bloodwork was normal too. So now I am at a loss. Maybe it is just stress and anxiety?A lot of changes have been going on in my life so that could be it. I am now taking klonopin at night to help me sleep better and also help with anxiety.

Dr. Yau, my acupuncturist, said it wasn’t anything serious. He said he can tell by your pulse and your tongue if you have a serious illness or not and that I was an easy fix. I sure hope he is right! He said I was holding in too much heat in my body and has been treating me for anxiety, heat, and hormone imbalance.  Something about having too much yin and not enough yang? Dr. Yau said we could probably start trying again in 2 months but I think we are going to wait until Jan 2011 to start again. Why add more stress to the holidays you know?

We had our family camping trip this past weekend. I'm not much of a camper but it was pretty fun. We took K to her first Cardinals Football game 2 weekends ago as well. She is talking up a storm and has used the potty twice so far! I can't believe she will be 18 months next week!  I have to admit.  I LOVE being a mama.I just really want the entire pregnancy experience as well. I am so in love with Kayla. She is such a miracle I still can’t believe she is ours!!

I was watching an old Grey's Anatomy episode last week and it got me thinking.  Why, when we are so young, are we in such a hurry to grow up?  I miss those days where my biggest worry was which friend should I invite over after school or what if I don't find that perfect dress for the dance.  Now life is filled with all sorts of worries.  Health, financial, fertilty, etc.  Sometimes I wish I could just be 18 months again.  Wake up, play all day, eat, and take naps.  Maybe if I had known then what I know now, I would have appreciated it more. 

K with her cousin

 Family pic at our camping trip

 At the Cardinals Football Game!