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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Does Anybody Even Read my Posts?

Does anybody even read my posts?  Who knows.  But I guess this is a good outlet for me to get my feelings out.  Feeling kind of down today.  What's new right?  I totally thought last month was going to be a BFP but it wasn't.  This cycle I got the surge on CD 11 which is early but we are still going to give it a go.  It's so frustrating.  Nothing is ever on MY timing or MY terms.  I wish there was a genie in a bottle that could grant me 3 wishes.  Obviously we all know what my first wish would be. 
1. To carry a successful pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby
2. to have enough money to do the things my family has always wanted to do

The 3rd wish? I guess I would give it away to someone else who needed it or wish for all of of my family and friends to remain healthy and happy.

No one said life was going to be easy but they didn't tell me it was going to be so damn hard either!  I'm only 31 and I feel like an old lady.  With 8 miscarriages under my belt I feel like I have been around the world and back...the infertility world that is.  I never thought I would know so much about how the female body works or about Chinese Medicine, or the adoption world.  So many people come to me when they have a miscarriage or a question about adoption and I am always willing to help but honestly.... I wish I didn't know so much due to my own experiences.

I feel so lost. Like I'm constantly searching for the answer as to why I can't carry a pregnancy to term.  Is it something I am eating? Drinking? Applying to my skin? Washing my Hair with? Or it something I'm just not doing right?  I wish someone could give me the answer.  Please someone give me the answer!!!

Feb 14th 2011 marks 5 years of my husband and I trying to a successful pregnancy.  5 years.  Don't get my wrong. I am truly thankful for everything I have.  Our successful adoption of our beautiful amazing aughter Kayla and my wonderful marriage are things I don't take for granted ever.

People say if anyone deserves to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth it is me. They say I should be first in line.  But why doesn't God agree?  When will it be my turn?  I've been so patient, I've believed, but in the end I've had my heart broken and stopped on 8 times.  I still remember my first loss.  Laying on the bathroom floor, holding my belly, crying and pleading to God to let me keep my baby.  I will never forget that.  I've heard time can heal almost anything but I just don't know about this one.  Will there ever be a day I don't think about my precious babies that have passed? (Enya- Watermark)


  1. I read your posts. My heart goes out to you. And I find myself sending lots of positive energy your way. My hubby and I tried for 2 1/2 years before getting pregnant with our little one. I'm sending lots of sticky dust your way.