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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Livie- 2 weeks old 14 days in the NICU so far......

Livie Marie 2 weeks old (5/13/12)

Today is Mother's Day and I would have been almost 32 weeks pregnant had we made it that far. I'm still in a lot of pain from my C section.  I find it hard to walk still and had to hitch a ride in the wheelchair up to the NICU today because it was just too much.  It's hard to believe that 2 weeks ago I gave birth to this amazing and tiny baby.

Livie is 2 weeks old today.  Her weight has fluctuated in the past few days.  First she was down, then went up, then stayed the same.  Today she is 2 pounds 8 oz.  She is tolerating her feeds and up to 23ml.  It's amazing she started at 2ml!  Everyday is a challenge.  Walking into that hospital and leaving without my baby is gut wrenching.  Today, as I walked the NICU hallway, I ran into a mom who was about to take her baby girl home.  She had been on bed rest since January and gave birth at 29 weeks 4 days. (almost the same as me- we were 29 weeks 5 days).  Her daughter weighed a little more than Livie when she was born and is now over 5 pounds!  She spent 7 weeks in the NICU.  I look at Livie right now and wonder how she is going to look in 5 more weeks.  I can't wait for the day when she is 5 pounds.  At that weight she will look like a  chunky monkey to us.

I find myself sitting here wondering what I could have done to prevent this from happening.  I know I shouldn't do that and the answer is nothing.  There is nothing I could have done.  I looked up what causes waterbags to rupture early and there are 3 things that cause it.  
1. Smoking (I'm not and have never been a smoker so that isn't why)
2. Infection
3. Contractions

I will probably never know why this happened and why it occurred so early.  I don't think my body is too fond of pregnancy given my history. 

Next Saturday is my baby shower.  It was already planned for May 19th before all of this happened.  We decided to move forward with it even though Livie isn't home yet.  There was always 1 game I envisioned we'd play at my shower.  The one where people guess the size of your belly with a string.  Mom and I had already bought the ribbon to play the game and now it will never be used.  I've never been one to like playing games at showers but that was the one game I was looking forward to.

I look in the mirror and miss my belly.  I guess I feel this way right now because I don't have my belly or my baby home with me.  I am only allowed to hold her once a day for an hour.  Now tell me how fair that is.  It's like "here is your precious amazing gift BUT you can only touch it once a day."  I know it is for her own health that I can't hold her when I want but it frustrates me.  This isn't how it was supposed to go.  I always envisioned myself giving that final push and the doctor handing me my baby with tears of happiness streaming down my face.  Guess I'm just really bitter right now.  I'm angry that I can't snuggle with my baby or experience the joy of giving her the first feed, her first bath.  I'm angry at the situation.  I am so thankful that this happened when it did and not any earlier.  I'm thankful she is doing so well and it is just a matter of growing and getting bigger.  I am thankful for being blessed with 2 amazing little girls who are my world.  I just wish Livie didn't have to fight so hard.  It breaks my heart to see her with so many wires attached to her and to be in that tiny incubator.  To touch my daughter through 4 little holes-It's just not fair.  No parent should ever have to endure this.

Is it too much to ask God to speed time up a bit so we can bring our little Livie home? 

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