Livie Update 5-9-12

Livie: 10 days old

Here is a Livie update:

11 days in the NICU
She continues to gain weight and is currently 2 pounds 7oz
Up to 22ml on her feeds
Brain scan was normal

The nurses tell us she is a perfect little preemie.  Just needs to gain more weight and grow so we can take her home. 

Kayla has been able to see her sister about 5 times and was very excited to see Livie out of her incubator and in my arms. 

Life is challenging right now for us.  Between my 13 day hospital stay, recovering from my C section, loss of pay from my job, the bills piling up, raising our 3 year old, coping with a preemie in the hospital, and my postpartum depression and anxiety life is very overwhelming. 

Every time I walk in the hospital to see Livie I am reminded of everything I went through to get her here on this earth.  Almost everyday, without fail, I am forced to watch another family load up their car and take their babies home.  It breaks my heart because I want that to be us so badly.  I know our time will come but it just hurts to see everyone else leave with their babies while ours is still in the NICU.  My pregnancy and birth experience was anything but normal and not what I expected.  I thought I would be a happy pregnant women who carried to term, had her baby, and left 2-4 days later as a family of 4. 

Now I get anxiety walking the hospital hallways. I pass by my room everyday and remember all of the scary moments I experienced in there.  Watching the monitors constantly for contractions and heart rate.  The excessive bleeding and stress of wondering how much longer I could keep her in me while keeping both of us safe.  I am just so thankful she is okay and doing well in the NICU. 

I'm having a rough time dealing with the trauma of her birth, postpartum depression and anxiety.  I can't wait for the day when I feel like myself again.  The day when we are a family of 4 under 1 roof and things go back to normal.