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Monday, June 28, 2010

Yet Another Pregnancy Announcement Among My Friends

I seriously need to take a major break from the Facebook's Live Feed. It seems like people are announcing pregnancies and popping babies out left and right. I think the part that is the hardest for me is when my friends are actually pregnant. Once the babies are born I'm fine.

When I watch our wedding DVD or see my wedding pictures I can't help but think how naive I was to think having a family would be so easy. Little did I know that 4 1/2 years later we would have experienced 7 miscarriages. Thankfully we were blessed with a successful adoption but I still so badly want to have that baby bump. I often imagine myself looking in the mirror wearing a cute maternity top and touching my belly. I have these dreams of my husband taking pregnancy pictures of me with Kayla so curiously touching my belly wondering what is in there. I happily look down and smile at her and my belly with joy as he snaps the cutest pics ever. Then poof! Back to reality. Will I ever get to sport a cute little baby belly and shop for maternity wear? It's all so frustrating.

I just wish the feelings of jealousy weren't present.  I wish that pregnancy announcements were something I was delighted to hear about instead of something I dread.  It's all just a reminder of the losses and the sadness I feel that I haven't carried a pregnancy to term.  I feel like I am missing out on an amazing experience.  It brings back those devastating feelings I felt when the doctor told us our babies had passed away after seeing the heartbeats (pregnancies #3 and #6).  I'm a woman.  My job is to give birth and life and help populate the planet isn't it?  (okay it's not my sole job, but it's one I would like to have come easily like it does for most women) It makes me feel like less of a woman at times that I can't do this one thing.  I know I'm not any less because I haven't given birth but those feelings still surface at times.  I love being a mom and I want to experience it over and over again. I want to watch Kayla play with her little brother or sister.  Ugh, now I feel like I am just whining and having a pity party.  I need to shut up and be thankful for what I have instead of sad about what I don't.  I know I am blessed. I know I am lucky.  I just wish I could let this go. I wish I didn't want this so badly.

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