Surprised Feelings

Another friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. We were about 3 weeks apart in our due dates. I am so happy for her. I can't wait to meet the new baby. Surprisingly when she text me to tell me she was in labor I was overcome with joy. I didn't expect this reaction from myself but was relieved that instead of jealousy I felt happiness. Maybe this is all getting a little easier for me to handle since all of my friends are popping out babies.

There still is a part of that feels sad though. I want that experience of rushing to the hospital because I'm in labor and have that moment where the doctor finally hands me my baby. I want that moment where I get to look into their eyes for the first time, exhausted, and numb from the waist down crying tears of joy and happiness. Is it weird that I want the pain and the pushing? Ugh It hurts just thinking that I may never get to experience that. The day we met Kayla I was under a lot of stress. I was so afraid that my birth mother would change her mind. I couldn’t fully relax until we had arrived at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix after a long exhausting week of waiting for state clearance to take her home and even then I was afraid something else would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t be finalized. I feel I was robbed of that moment you know? I didn’t fully relax until November 2009 when the courts made it official. Guess since I went through so much loss I was afraid that I would lose her too. I still go into her room at night and make sure she is breathing even though she is in the clear from SIDS. I can't imagine my world without her. She fills me with so much joy and happiness. When I am feeling down I think back to the day we walked through the front door and were welcomed by family, friends, a decorated house, and gifts. It was such a joyous day.

This current cycle was a bomb. BFN (Big Fat Negative). Waiting for the new cycle to begin. I've started my wheatgrass shots again and I am going to an acupuncture appt on Friday. We will see what happens. Tomorrow is a new day.

Vision Board

VISION BOARD

A couple of years ago I read the book The Secret. In the book they talked about the creating a Vision Board. What is a Vision Board?

A "Dream Board" or "Vision Board" is an artistic view of writing out your goals.

Imagine you have the power to create what you want your life to be. You are creating the story and you have the ability to make anything happen. This is YOUR vision. It's the same thing as writing out your goals but you are using pictures to invoke more emotion than simply writing out a list.

Back in 2008 I created my first Vision Board. (picture below)

It's amazing to look back and see how many of these came true. I am a mom, I am in Baby Bliss, I have family blessings, I got a new car (although it wasn't the Murano I love my Civic), Weston got his Emmy Award, I did have 3 positive pregnancy tests. Originally I also had a new cell phone and a camera on here but I took those off once I got those. The only things that haven't come true yet is the the pregnant belly, giving birth, the twins and the cruise. Looking at this board shows me I have had many blessings in my life and I am truly thankful especially for my little miracle Kayla. Now it is time to update it!

Below is my updated Vision Board. I kept the Emmy Award pic up because I would love Weston to win many more. Of course the pregnant bellies will stay on there since I still want to have a successful pregnancy but I actually added those words to it this time and a quote that says "I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery.". I also added a family of 4, a sold sign since my house is on the market, a new house (1 story, 3 car garage with a pool), and trips to France and Italy. (I tried to be as specific as possible)

Let's see what 2010 and 2011 bring. Here is to hoping and believing Miracles Happen.

Grey's Anatomy Finale

Okay I'll admit it. When I saw the preview last week for the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and they showed Meredith finding out she was pregnant I thought to myself, "of course they are going to show this happily ever after story about her and Derek having a baby next season." I also figured this was how they were going to incorporate the actress's real life pregnancy into the series. They already touched on ectopic pregnancy with Christina back in season 1 so why would they do another miscarriage story?

How shocked was I when the finale ended with a moment that was all too real to me? In fact just 3 weeks ago the ending scene in Grey's Anatomy tonight happened to me in real life. I too picked up my digital test that read "Pregnant" and threw it into the trash after having another miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that scene at all.

Although pregnancy loss and miscarriage is devastating it does bring some comfort to know that television is starting to incorporate it into story lines more and show the public that not everyone gets married, gets pregnant, and has a baby the first time around. I think it makes those of us that have gone through a loss or several feel less alone and isolated. The show Brothers & Sisters also touched on this back in 2007 right about the time I had miscarriage #3.

Bravo to the television writers for bringing this topic into the lime light.

Dreaming

The other night I had a dream. I don't remember everything that occurred but I do remember walking into a nursery and seeing Kayla in her crib but she wasn't alone. There was a newborn baby girl in there with her. Then the dream shifted to me in a car with my dad and I was telling him how I wasn't even 31 yet and felt like a 40 year old. My dad and I arrived at a mansion where a convention was being held. The place was beautiful with elegant furniture, an amazing pool, and people everywhere. A man came up to us and asked us what company we were with and said he didn't think we were supposed to be there. I remember saying, "we were just leaving." Then I got angry and said "actually no, I'm in Marketing and have every right to be here" and the man and I started talking business. (huh? totally weird I know) I remember being dressed in business attire except I had dress shoes on without socks.(???)

Anyway, dad and I got back in car and I remembered that the girls were still in their crib and I needed to get back so I to get them up and ready for their day. I started freaking out trying to think who could get them ready in time because we were all running late for something. (No idea what that something was) It was so bizarre.

I wish I could talk to Sylvia Browne or Allison Dubois and find out what this dream meant and know what the future holds. I just want to know if I'm plain crazy for wanting to keep trying or if there really is something to this gut feeling that won't let me give up on my dream to carry a pregnancy to term.

This morning I woke up and started searching the Internet about elevated FSH. I began getting very discouraged at the statistics and medical findings. Then I turned on Joel Osteen and listened to him speak and began searching for success stories for those who carried to term with elevated FSH. I came across a website that gave me hope. A lady who was 36 had higher FSH levels than I have and conceived naturally and was 26 weeks pregnant at the time of her last post. That brought a smile to my face and I realized that just maybe I can do this.

Frustration!

Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I'm at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. It seems every day more and more people are announcing the wonderful news of their pregnancy. DAMN IT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN! I've been pregnant more times than any of my friends and I still don't have a successful pregnancy to show for it. I just want to scream!!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Okay I've had my tantrum. Now back to reality. I really am truly happy for those around me that are pregnant. It just hurts. I want so badly to have that experience. If so many women in the world around me can do it why can't I? It just doesn't make sense. The doctor's say that I have bad egg quality. It was something I was born with. Lucky me. But there are plenty of women out there who have bad egg quality and they have carried to term and given birth. Do I keep putting myself through the torture of multiple miscarriages and pray one sticks? I'm not a quitter. It's hard for me to say, "Okay I have had enough. I'm done." I just can't do that. Not yet.

I wish I could fast forward time and see how this all turns out. I realize I'm lucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a broken record but I do realize I have experienced a few of the joys pregnancy has to offer that many women never do. I at least know the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test. I know what it is like to see that beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound. I have video and pictures of 2 of my 7 babies. Some women don't even get that and I am so grateful. But it is also a huge slap in the face every time I have a loss; especially after seeing a healthy beating heart. I think that is what makes it so incredibly devastating.

There is one thing I want to make clear. I know that someday my daughter Kayla may read my journals and my blogs and think "what about me?"

Kayla, you are my miracle baby. You are the most amazing child I have ever known and I am proud to be your mommy. I can't imagine my world without you. From the moment I first saw you your dad and I were in love. I just wish I could take credit for how great you are. I wish I could tell you stories about the first time I felt you kick or the morning sickness you caused. I wish I could show you ultrasound pictures and video of your little heart beating on the screen. I wish that I could give you the guilt trip like my mom does every year on my birthday and remind you about how long I was in labor. Don't worry, I'm sure I will find some other kind of mother-daughter guilt trip to give you. LOL

I know I know. I have so many amazing memories and stories to share with her about her firsts here on earth but I still wish her and I could have had that 9 month bonding experience.

So where do I go from here? I seem to ask myself that same question after every loss. I guess I am going to take a break and then try again when I am ready.

Miscarriage #7

Finally heard from the doc and my number went from 59 to 39 :( I'm okay. I know I am going to be okay. I kind of suspected this. I didn't have a good feeling about it at all. He is suggesting IVF with donor egg. Am I crazy for even considering putting myself through another pregnancy? If I can get my husband to agree I might just do it. I think we will wait a couple of years to do that though. Guess my fight to give birth to a full term pregnancy continues.

God I am so grateful for my little Kayla. She is my miracle baby. Maybe now I need to come to terms with the fact that I may never carry to term.

Feeling down right now.

I tried posting this early this morning but it wouldn't post for some reason:Feeling down right now. It's 1:41am and I went to the bathroom tonight and noticed a brown tinge color on the toilet paper. I can’t sleep. Maybe I should be using the other progesterone and not the OTC one. Ugh. I’m so tired of this. I just want to cry right now. I really need to stop getting my hopes up about this one. I know brown means old blood but I’ve been here before. I just want to throw up. I just want to be a normal pregnant woman. I want to be pregnant and know 9 months later I will be giving birth to a baby. Why won't my body do this? I will hear about my 2nd blood draw tomorrow. I know there is nothing I can do but wait.


UPDATE (1:37pm 5-5-10)
Still waiting to hear about my second blood draw from the doc. I had a very sleepless night and a morning full of tears and crying. I know I always said I would keep trying until one sticks but I just don't know how much more I can take. Still feeling mild cramping and lower back pain. I just want to know where I stand. I've called the nurses line 3 times and left messages. This is so frustrating!

Pregnancy #7

Friday I found out I'm pregnant again. Took a test and got a faint positive so I ran to the store and bought a digital to make sure it was accurate. Sure enough within 3 min the + Yes sign appeared in the window. I went and got blood work done that same day and my first HCG was 59. Since the labs were closed on Sunday I have to wait until tomorrow, Tuesday, to get my second blood draw so they can see if the numbers doubled twice. The nurse said 59 was a good number to start with. I got the surge on CD 10 and tested on CD 26 so I was just barely pregnant.

It's hard to believe this is pregnancy #7. I'm having a lot of anxiety this time around. More so than I have ever had. I'm trying to remain hopeful and believe that this will be Lucky #7. I started my Lovenox injections on Friday as soon as I found out and am doing the usual folic acid 3x a day, 1 baby aspirin, DHA prenatals, and topical progesterone cream twice a day. (I decided to not go with the prescription form this time around since I have used it for pregnancies 3 thru 6 and still had the same result in the end). This time I have been doing Arbonne Prolief Natural Balancing Cream during the last 1/2 of my cycle for the past 3 months so I am just going to continue on with that and see if that helps.

I'm trying to take a different approach this time around. With my past 6 pregnancies I have been very secretive and not told many people. This time around I guess my husband and I are past the whole superstition and jinxing thing since keeping it a secret hasn't changed anything.

So now it is a waiting game again. I pray to God that this is our sticky bean and we can finally carry a pregnancy to term.