Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I'm at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. It seems every day more and more people are announcing the wonderful news of their pregnancy. DAMN IT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN! I've been pregnant more times than any of my friends and I still don't have a successful pregnancy to show for it. I just want to scream!!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!
Okay I've had my tantrum. Now back to reality. I really am truly happy for those around me that are pregnant. It just hurts. I want so badly to have that experience. If so many women in the world around me can do it why can't I? It just doesn't make sense. The doctor's say that I have bad egg quality. It was something I was born with. Lucky me. But there are plenty of women out there who have bad egg quality and they have carried to term and given birth. Do I keep putting myself through the torture of multiple miscarriages and pray one sticks? I'm not a quitter. It's hard for me to say, "Okay I have had enough. I'm done." I just can't do that. Not yet.
I wish I could fast forward time and see how this all turns out. I realize I'm lucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a broken record but I do realize I have experienced a few of the joys pregnancy has to offer that many women never do. I at least know the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test. I know what it is like to see that beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound. I have video and pictures of 2 of my 7 babies. Some women don't even get that and I am so grateful. But it is also a huge slap in the face every time I have a loss; especially after seeing a healthy beating heart. I think that is what makes it so incredibly devastating.
There is one thing I want to make clear. I know that someday my daughter Kayla may read my journals and my blogs and think "what about me?"
Kayla, you are my miracle baby. You are the most amazing child I have ever known and I am proud to be your mommy. I can't imagine my world without you. From the moment I first saw you your dad and I were in love. I just wish I could take credit for how great you are. I wish I could tell you stories about the first time I felt you kick or the morning sickness you caused. I wish I could show you ultrasound pictures and video of your little heart beating on the screen. I wish that I could give you the guilt trip like my mom does every year on my birthday and remind you about how long I was in labor. Don't worry, I'm sure I will find some other kind of mother-daughter guilt trip to give you. LOL
I know I know. I have so many amazing memories and stories to share with her about her firsts here on earth but I still wish her and I could have had that 9 month bonding experience.
So where do I go from here? I seem to ask myself that same question after every loss. I guess I am going to take a break and then try again when I am ready.