Surprised Feelings

Another friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. We were about 3 weeks apart in our due dates. I am so happy for her. I can't wait to meet the new baby. Surprisingly when she text me to tell me she was in labor I was overcome with joy. I didn't expect this reaction from myself but was relieved that instead of jealousy I felt happiness. Maybe this is all getting a little easier for me to handle since all of my friends are popping out babies.

There still is a part of that feels sad though. I want that experience of rushing to the hospital because I'm in labor and have that moment where the doctor finally hands me my baby. I want that moment where I get to look into their eyes for the first time, exhausted, and numb from the waist down crying tears of joy and happiness. Is it weird that I want the pain and the pushing? Ugh It hurts just thinking that I may never get to experience that. The day we met Kayla I was under a lot of stress. I was so afraid that my birth mother would change her mind. I couldn’t fully relax until we had arrived at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix after a long exhausting week of waiting for state clearance to take her home and even then I was afraid something else would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t be finalized. I feel I was robbed of that moment you know? I didn’t fully relax until November 2009 when the courts made it official. Guess since I went through so much loss I was afraid that I would lose her too. I still go into her room at night and make sure she is breathing even though she is in the clear from SIDS. I can't imagine my world without her. She fills me with so much joy and happiness. When I am feeling down I think back to the day we walked through the front door and were welcomed by family, friends, a decorated house, and gifts. It was such a joyous day.

This current cycle was a bomb. BFN (Big Fat Negative). Waiting for the new cycle to begin. I've started my wheatgrass shots again and I am going to an acupuncture appt on Friday. We will see what happens. Tomorrow is a new day.