We were going to Rocky Point that weekend so I made sure that I took it easy and relaxed. I could already tell this pregnancy was different than the other ones. I was feeling very tired, couldn't stand the smell of certain foods, and my cravings were extreme. I had to have hot spicy salsa, lots of salt, and chips every day. (which worked out because I was in Mexico)
At 7 1/2 weeks we went in for an ultrasound. I was so nervous but felt a little more confident because I hadn't had any of the complications I had with the other pregnancies. No cramping, no spotting etc. When the doctor did the ultrasound we saw the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. A little baby with a strong beating heart. It was truly amazing. I was so happy I had tears in my eyes. We recorded on our phones to play over and over again. The Dr. gave us pictures for us to take home. We had finally done it. This was it! We were going to have a baby!
Once we saw the heartbeat we felt more comfortable telling people about our pregnancy. Yes it was still early but statistics I had read said that there was only a 3% chance of a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat so we felt confident. I continued on with my shots and was feeling all of the normal pregnancy symptoms. I was even getting a belly. It was so exciting. I had started to show already and I was only 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. I remember one weekend my mom say me and she was amazed at how early I was showing and even said, "this is the real deal this time." (or something along those lines) I was a happy pregnant 28 year old finally on my way to being a mom.
We were going to announce to my husband's family November 1st about my pregnancy but something in me said to have one more ultrasound before we did the announcement. That week, October 30th, I was at work and saw some spotting. I called the doc immediately and they had me come in for another ultrasound. He had told me that this may happen and not to worry because it was most likely old blood but to come in anyways if it happened and we would just make sure everything was okay. I called my husband and he asked if he should come down and I brushed it off like it was nothing. I told him it was going to be a routine thing and that I would tape it for him.
Driving to the appt I had a little bit of fear in me that I was going to get bad news but then I kept remembering what we saw earlier that month and calmed my fears. When I had the ultrasound the RE looked and said, well- there is the baby. Now let's find the heartbeat. He searched and searched and there was nothing. My baby had died 3 weeks prior and I had no idea. I was devastated. I couldn't understand it. I was getting bigger! I had a belly! I had the cravings and the morning sickness. I had it all. How could my baby be gone? How could this happen and I not even know about it? I was in shock. I was so upset my dad had to come pick my up at the Dr.'s office and my husband met me at my parent's house. I remember calling my brother to tell him we had lost the baby and he started to cry. When I hung up I just felt so empty. Like the carpet had been ripped from underneath me. I was there. I had that baby, and then it was gone.
Pictures taken from my journal: 1st pic (7 1/2 weeks with heartbeat)
2nd pic(at 11 1/2 weeks but measuring 8 weeks 3 days-no heartbeat)
They scheduled my D&C for the following day. My husband sat in the waiting room while they did the procedure and watched them carry out a cooler with our baby inside it and send it off for testing. The results came back a month later. It was a chromosomally normal boy. This meant that the baby was healthy and something else went wrong. My RE's theory was that my body saw the baby as foreign and my natural killer cells (cells that fight off disease) caused the pregnancy to fail.
I was once again heartbroken. I had let everyone down. What hurt the most was that I had let my baby boy down. It was my job to protect him and my body might have done this to him. As I was mourning the loss of my 3rd baby my brother-in-law and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy just a couple of weeks after our baby boy had been removed via D&C. The news cut like a knife through my heart. I was happy for them but sad for us. All I could think about was how our son should have been 2 months older than their baby.
Needless to say I shut down. I couldn't handle it. I was still mourning the loss of my baby and couldn't comprehend dealing with yet another person around me being pregnant. I knew for them, everything would be fine. Why couldn't I have that same outcome? Everyone else that gets pregnant knows that 9 months later there will be a baby. Why can't it be that way for me too? It just doesn't seem fair. Believe me, I would never wish what I have been through on anyone. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have such a hard time trying to make a family but here I was- 3 pregnancies and no baby to show for it.
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